Wednesday 28 September 2011

Advice Part 22- "Heavy breathers" at yoga

If you're anything like me, when you hear the word "yoga", you probably imagine blissful scenes, where your body effortlessly moves into the poses, and you find yourself adrift on an ocean of endless tranquility, with the only sounds to be heard being sonorous "oooohhhhmmmmms."



Unfortunately, the reality is likely to be VERY different if you find yourself in a class with a "heavy breather."

This particular kind of yogic animal breathes normally before and after class. However, for some inexplicable reason, they insist on DELIBERATELY breathing with MAXIMUM sound effects throughout the duration of the lesson, just to let everyone hear how "in control of their breath" they are.




My advice to young players is that if there is such an individual in your yoga class, it is STRONGLY advisable to keep as far away as possible (or change your class) if you want to experience ANY peace.

How do I know this? Read on.....

This week, I decided to head to yoga to "de-stress" one evening. I set up my mat on my favourite carpet square, lay back, and prepared to relax......




But I soon realised that this was going to be IMPOSSIBLE, as I had a "heavy breather" opposite me.

Whenever the teacher directed us to "inhale", the "heavy breather" would make a loud whooshing sound, as though they was gasping for their last breath. It was even worse on the "exhales", which were accompanied by an earsplitting "aaaaahhhhhh", that would  have put tennis grunter Monica Seles to shame.



This continued for the ENTIRE CLASS.

And with every dramatic breath, I found myself getting angrier and angrier, and closer and closer to yelling out "For goodness' sake, can't you just breathe NORMALLY? We don't want to hear you huff and puff!"

Suffice to say, I left the class feeling more stressed than when I'd arrived.....

Next time, I'm taking my ear plugs.

Thursday 22 September 2011

Advice Part 21- Lateness

As those of you who know me will attest, I have great difficulty EVER being on time.

My advice to young players is that whilst slight lateness may be forgivable, chronic tardiness can be somewhat problematic. Particularly when you have something VERY important on......



Allow me to illustrate. Yesterday, I had my annual work performance review. This hellish process involves filling out a SIX PAGE form, detailing
  1. All the things you do as part of your job
  2. How well you think you do them
  3. How you think you could improve
  4. How you "encapsulate the organisation's key values of sustainability, innovation, and technological advancement." (Hmm. No comment)
You then meet with your supervisor to "discuss".

This process scares me half to death.



I had been so paranoid about the performance review, that it took me FOREVER to get ready yesterday morning. Consequently, I missed the early train. And the late one. And the VERY late one.

I finally rocked up to work OVER AN HOUR LATE.


Oh. Dear.

By some miracle, my boss was even later than I was. Nonetheless, it's not an experience I intend to repeat......

But I guess being an hour late is an improvement on a previous performance of mine, when I turned up at a friend's birthday party ONE WEEK early....

Sunday 18 September 2011

Advice Part 20- Drunk Dialling

Aah, the telephone. What more valuable communication tool can one have in one's arsenal?



My advice to young players is that whilst mobile phone communication is all well and good, there are certain times when you should NEVER, EVER decide to call.

More precisely, you should NOT ring if
  1. You are intoxicated/inebriated/drunk/a bit tipsy/smashed/whatever other term you wish to use to describe a state of having consumed excessive alcohol
  2. You don't actually have anything to say
  3. It is after midnight
  4. You have been avoiding making the call sober
  5. ALL of the above apply


Case in point. I had what could best be termed a very "sociable" Saturday. I went to a housewarming party in the afternoon (which adjourned to the pub), and then went to another pub to watch the rugby.

By 11 o'clock, I had been "celebrating" for a grand total of 6 hours, and was, how shall I say it, "somewhat merry."

Understatement of the century.


Somehow (thank god), I resisted the urge to party on at karaoke, and resolved to head home instead.

But when I arrived at my place, I decided it was a FANTASTIC time to make a phone call which I had been putting off making ALL WEEK, because my sober self had decided that calling this person was NOT a good idea.

Oh. Dear.

So, I called the number.


I got the voicemail and left a message along the lines of : "Hey......Umm, it's me.......Aah, err, how are you?........(long pause)......Yeah, I, I've, aah, decided to give you a call (even longer pause)......Oh god, whoops, I don't have anything to say (uproarious laughter).....So, umm, hello.....Hope it's going well for you......(muffled fumbling as I try to hang up)....Bye."


Needless to say, I DID NOT get a call back.

I have decided in future that the only number I will be calling after midnight is that of the taxi to take me home.

Tuesday 13 September 2011

Advice Part 19- Life modelling for confidence?

Having a decent amount of self-confidence is generally a good thing. Not too arrogant, not too self-deprecating.....just confident ENOUGH.

Not that I'm in a position to talk, given that my own self-confidence could best be described as moribund......


But my advice to young players is that whilst self-confidence is good, think carefully about the methods you use to improve yours......

Case in point. On Monday night I was at a birthday party, and decided to engage in a bit of polite conversation with the man opposite me:
  • Me: "So, what do you do?"
  • Man: "Oh, I work in a few jobs. I do admin work."
  • Me: "What else?"
  • Man: "I'm a life model"
  • Me: "Err, oh, wow! That would be scary"
  • Man: "No, actually, it's great. It's really helped me to improve my confidence in my body." 


Maybe it's just me, but HOW ON EARTH could taking off your clothes, in front of a group of ABSOLUTE STRANGERS, IMPROVE your self-confidence?

Particularly when said strangers have to scrutinise your physique in minute detail, whilst you're standing in some uncomfortable posture?



And when they have probably been examining different people for the past few weeks, and comparing their respective figures?

Whilst I think it's great that the life modelling worked out for the man at the party, I've got to admit that I won't be taking off my gear in front of a class anytime soon.

Unless, of course:
  • ALL the lights are off. 
  • Guffawing, pointing, or cries of "take it ORRRFFFFF!" are NOT permitted
  • I am allowed to use a "strategically placed" drape AND
  • All the artists have to sign a disclaimer that they will NEVER discuss what they saw
But even then, I don't think I'll be volunteering.

    Wednesday 7 September 2011

    Advice Part 18- Dating Disasters (Episode 2)

    Aah, the series of "dating disasters" continues....And, like Masterchef, it gets more dramatic by the day (ha ha ha!)

    But unlike Episode 1 (see Advice Part 7 ), this date turned into a disaster because of me.....


    My advice to young players is- if you are on a date, and speak a second language VERY poorly, DO NOT use the date as an opportunity to practice your skills. Unless your aim is for the date to finish VERY quickly.....

    Case in point. I have been learning Spanish for around a year now, and despite my best attempts, I am still struggling to get past "Hola" (Hello) and "Necesito comprar un caballo para esta noche, por favor" (I need to buy a horse for tonight, please- apparently, this phrase is very useful in Peru. Hmmm).



    Anyway, a few months ago, I went out with a guy who had lived in South America for a year, and could speak Spanish fluently. The evening seemed to be going well (i.e. he hadn't beat a hasty escape through the toilet window), and so, after (more than) a few drinks, I decided to "impress him" with my fantastic knowledge of espaƱol.



     STUPID, STUPID idea! 


    Wanting to be creative, I decided to branch out from "Hola", and instead tell him that I thought he was very tidy.

    Sounds easy, right? Err, wrong....


    See, in my Spanish class, we typically practice our words in pairs. The teacher says "blanco" (white), and we say "negro" (black). Teacher says "gordo" (fat), we say "delgado" (thin). You can probably guess where this story is heading.....


    I attempted to tell said gentleman "You are very clean", and I instead said "You are very dirty." He looked a bit shocked, and said "muy sucio?" (very dirty?). "Si, muy, muy sucio!" (Yes, very, very dirty!), I exclaimed enthusiastically.



    Needless to say, when I realised my error (2 days later), I was MORTIFIED. Still, at least I didn't try and cover my mistake by telling him I was "embarazada" (pregnant)

    Sunday 4 September 2011

    Advice Part 17- Toilet wall graffiti

    Today, I have been overcome by a wave of nostalgia.

    And nothing makes me more nostalgic for the "good old days" than going into a toilet cubicle, and being greeted by a bare and boring wall.....

    My advice to young players is that if you are fortunate enough in finding bathroom facilities which not only have graffiti, but where the graffiti is INTERESTING, then guard these cubicles with your life!


    I remember when I was in first year uni, the graffiti on the walls of the ladies' toilets in the Holme Building was infamous. The cubicles were literally COVERED with writing, of the most scandalous kind. If you wanted to find out which academics were having "private tutorials" with their students, or other equally scurrilous gossip, there was no better place to go than the Holme Building. Even better, the graffiti was regularly updated, so you could read whole sordid sagas if you had the patience.




    And trust me, I had enough patience to last a LIFETIME. In fact, my enjoyment of the Holme toilets graffiti was such that I used to regularly drop by just to read the updates, without needing to go to the toilet at all.....


    Sad.

    I know.

    You can doubtlessly imagine my horror when the Holme toilets were renovated. Years of graffiti were replaced by boring, "easy clean", graffiti-proof tiles. I've been on the lookout for good toilets ever since, but aside from the Courthouse Hotel in Newtown (which SOMETIMES has funny drawings on the walls), I have had no success. My trips to the toilet are now boringly monotonous.

    If anyone feels like redressing this problem, I can supply a permanent marker......