Monday 17 September 2012

Advice Part 69- Photos you SHOULDN'T take

Confession- as a lover of the interesting and unusual, I very much enjoy stumbling unexpectedly on strange things which take my fancy. In fact, the only thing I like more than discovering something delightfully whimsical is taking pictures of the said object on my phone, and sending such snaps to an unfortunate selection of friends.


Who I'm sure promptly delete them. But such is life.

My advice for young players is that a) liking weird things, and
b) taking photos of such objects
is all well and good, but sometimes, it really pays to exercise a bit of restraint.....

How do I know this? Read on.....

Last Thursday, I was invited to take part in a business meeting with some of my colleagues. The organiser had booked the meeting room upstairs, which is right next to the "big boss's" office.


I'd never been up there before, and when we had a break, I wandered into the "big boss's" kitchen to get a cup of tea. 

No problem.

But as I went to get some milk, I noticed that the "big boss" had one of those cool magnetic poetry sets. For those who don't know, such sets consist of about 250 random words (e.g. "he", "she", "sunshine", "cats"), which the creative can use to construct sentences.


There were the obligatory boring constructions e.g. "the book is red", but RIGHT IN THE CENTRE of the "big boss's" fridge, someone had written:

"IS IT TIME FOR COFFEE OR WILL I MAKE DO WITH SEX?"


I thought this was hilarious, but decided to add my own personal improvement, and put the word "HOT" between "WITH" and "SEX."

Puerile, I know.

This was too good an opportunity to miss, so I hurried back to the office, grabbed my phone, and proceeded to return to the kitchen to photograph my handiwork.



All was going well when the "big boss" walked in JUST AS I WAS PHOTOGRAPHING HER FRIDGE!
  • Big Boss: Hello, there.
  • Me (blushing bright red): Err, hello. 
  • Big Boss (wearing quizzical expression): What exactly are you doing? 
  • Me (sure I'm about to lose my job): Umm, I'm photographing your fridge.
  • Big Boss: It's a very nice fridge, but may I ask why? 
  • Me (wishing the earth would swallow me up): Because someone wrote a funny sentence on there.
  • Big Boss (curious): Oh, really? Which one?
  • Me (pointing with trembling hand): This one. About the "hot sex".
  • Big Boss (reading the offending article): Oh, that's good. That might have been me. 
  • Me (deadly silence)......
  • Big Boss: You look a bit shocked. Why? 
  • Me: Well, I was just a bit surprised. I thought this was a "G-rated" fridge.
  • Big Boss (laughing): Oh no! Most definitely not. We like to have some fun up here.

And with a wink, she walked off.

Oh dear.

All I can say is, the next time I decide to do a bit of photography, I probably should exercise a bit more caution. But I know EXACTLY what I want for my birthday now (hint: magnetic poetry set!)

Sunday 9 September 2012

Advice Part 68- Allow me to introduce you to my bladder

Aah, conferences. They provide the opportunity to venture to far-flung locales, hear (hopefully) interesting papers, receive a fun-filled conference "show bag", and network your way to stardom.


My advice for young players is that conferences are all well and good, but it is best to exercise a considerable degree of caution when asking people about their "areas of interest", as you may get more than you bargained for. Or EVER wanted to hear.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Last Thursday, I attended a nursing conference on the Gold Coast. Armed with my newly minted stack of business cards, I installed myself behind the booth with my colleague, and prepared to recruit nurses for our study.

Too easy.

It was all going smoothly, until I said hello to a lady who was loitering slightly off to the side of our desk....
  • Me: Hello, there. How are you going? Do you want any information about our study?
  • Lady: Oh, I'm just looking. The study sounds interesting. 
  • Me: Yes, we're looking to recruit people from a range of specialties. Can I ask you what area you work in? 
  • Lady: Urogynaecology. I deal with women's bladder issues.
  • Me (a bit surprised): Oh, that must be interesting! (trying to think of something to say.....) 
  • Lady: It is. And how's your bladder going?
  • Me (trying not to look too shocked): Oh, alright, I suppose. Nothing to complain about, ha ha ha!
  • Lady: Are you sure? You've never had any problems down there? How do things go when you need to urinate?
  • Me: Erm, they, umm, oh well, you know....Ha ha!
  • Lady: No, I don't know. Come on- how's your bladder?

At this point, I was feeling VERY uncomfortable. The LAST thing I wanted to discus with a total stranger were my personal toileting habits, particularly considering that the room was packed, and our conversation could be EASILY overheard.

Realising that there was no way of excusing myself, I invited my new buddy to sit down at a side table, where she proceded to spend the next 30 minutes talking about my bladder, how I urinate, and which posture I should use to ensure that the whole bladder is emptied.


Dear god.

Eventually, the impromptu consultation finished, but then, the next morning AT BREAKFAST, I was approached by the bladder expert, asking if I'd tried out the new posture she'd suggested, and how my urinating was going this morning. I reported that it was "excellent", and that her new posture had completely changed my toileting approach (which was a bit of a lie, but I thought I should be enthusiastic....).

All I can say is, if you're a woman and you want any advice on your bladder, I know EXACTLY who you should be talking to.