Advice Part 75- Skateboarding for the uninitiated

One of the good things about being in a relationship is that often the other person will introduce you to new things that you would NEVER have known about otherwise (and just to preempt the obligatory remark, that IS NOT meant to be a sexual reference!!!)

However, my advice to young players is that it is all very well taking an interest in your partner's hobbies, but that there is a limit to how far this should go....

How do I know this? Read on......

My boyfriend, Ricardo, is, err, "somewhat different" to me, and we tend to attract some rather bemused glances when we venture down the street together, because I look ridiculously conservative, and he is the TOTAL opposite. And, not surprisingly, we have pretty diverse interests.....Whilst I enjoy reading, yoga and going for walks, Ricardo likes punk music, horror films, and skateboarding.

Good-o. Nothing wrong with that.

But in the first flush of "new relationship-dom", I decided that I should try and be "supportive" of Ricardo's hobbies. And so I resolved to learn a bit more about skateboarding.....

• I began by watching clips of skaters Ricardo recommended, such as Richie Jackson (check out the hair! And the clothes!)

• I then progressed to sussing out some skating "mags" at the shop.

• I also began reading about the different brands of skate gear, and the best teams 

• Then I started looking at skating internet forums to try and learn some more about the "culture" (interesting fact- there's a guy who's writing his PhD on skating!) and the "lingo" (who's for an ollie or kick flip?)

All was going well. And then Ricardo suggested that perhaps I'd "like a go" at riding his board.

With my two weeks of knowledge under my belt, I thought that I was qualified for the task. After all, I'd watched LOTS of videos. And I'd seen Ricardo coasting along with significant ease and panache. OK, so I knew I wasn't going to be Dean Palmer on my first attempt (note flagrant name dropping....). But how hard could it be?

Answer- VERY hard. It pains me to say it, but I couldn't even stand on the board.

I had erroneously assumed that like a bike, the skateboard would stay still whilst I got on. But given the fact that the wheels were smooth and shiny, it kept sliding away from me as I tried harder and harder to get my feet onto the confounded contraption. The more I tried, the worse it got, and eventually, Ricardo suggested that perhaps I should give the skating "a rest" for a while.

I needed little convincing, I can assure you.

But I do have almost two weeks holidays over Christmas, which will perhaps give me sufficient time to master the act of standing on the board.....

But I'm not holding my breath for a professional deal anytime soon.....

Advice Part 74- Exercise "fashion"

My favourite form of exercise (ho ho, what a joke- that implies that I actually like more than one) is walking. Some of the many advantages of perambulating as a means of fitness are that it's free, easy, doesn't require expensive equipment, and can be done whenever YOU wish.

Perfect.

But my advice to young players is that if you are thinking about partaking in a spot of walking, you should be aware that some individuals in the exercise fraternity take their sartorial choices VERY seriously.....

How do I know this? Read on.....

When I head out for a stroll, I like to wear clothes which are COMFY and easy to wash (given that I have an unhappy propensity to sweat more than the proverbial pig). Consequently, my walking "outfit" consists of....

• An old T-shirt I was given for free when volunteering at the Sydney Writers' Festival in 2011. Said T-shirt is BRIGHT ORANGE, with Volunteer emblazoned across the back, and a picture of a typewriter on the front

• A pair of saggy, baggy black shorts which are now a rather disturbing shade of grey (pun intended)
• An ancient bra which has lost most of its elasticity
• Some runners which smell so bad that I can't keep them in the house
• A brown straw hat, with a huge sweat stain across the brim
• Some sunglasses that I bought on sale five years ago. Amusingly, said sunnies are now favoured by hipsters for their "ironic cool." But they were decidedly NOT cool when I bought them.

Needless to say, thus attired, I usually exercise early in the morning or at night when people can't really see me.

Everything was fine and dandy (another pun! I'm ON FIRE today!) until recently, when I became aware of a bit of movement in the exercise world, and an increased focus on "looking good" whilst working out. Now I see people walking past in....

• MATCHING T-shirts and shorts, generally from some exclusive boutique
• Expensive "compression tights". Sure, these might be helpful if you're competing in the Olympics or a professional sportsperson, but I'm seriously doubtful that they're going to improve the performance of somebody strolling along the footpath
• Shoes designed by Stella McCartney or similar
• Impeccably coiffed hair 
• Ridiculously pricey designer brand sunnies
• Full face make up (ladies only so far, but I'd be quite interested to see a similarly painted gentleman)

Sure, it's great to be proud of your appearance, but I honestly don't understand why someone would bother getting all dressed up for a bit of a dander around the park. I actually find it quite liberating to KNOW that I look shocking, but not care. But I think I'm probably in the minority here.

Still, if anyone has any old T-shirts they are too embarrassed to wear any more, and want to give them to me, I might be tempted to expand my walking (NOT walk-in) wardrobe......

Advice Part 73- Fickle affections

For the past few years (let's not go into exactly how long, suffice to say, it's been a LONG time), I have been single. This has meant that I have spent many a dismal Saturday night staying at home, watching rubbish on TV, and eating ice-cream straight out of the carton.

Good times.

But recently, a miracle transpired. I met a gentleman (who actually LIKES ME!), and this heralded a welcome change in my relationship status.

Whoo hoo!

However, my advice to young players is that whilst it's all well and good to meet someone, it is best to exercise considerable caution lest they become the target of another woman's affections.

Particularly if the other woman is fickle, furry and feline.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Having departed the realm of Eternal Singledom, and managed to sustain a relationship for a few weeks (!!!!), I decided to invite my boyfriend (let's call him Ricardo) over to my house for dinner (and please, no comments about "dessert"- nudge, nudge, wink, wink....).

I was somewhat nervous about introducing Ricardo to my cat, Polly, who tends to be a bit of a relationship barometer. When she met one of my exes, she took one look and ran straight under my bed, where she stayed for the rest of the afternoon. She had the opposite reaction to another ex, refusing to let him out of her sight, and hissing threateningly whenever he approached.

Whilst loath to get all "new agey", I think Polly must have picked up some weird vibes from my exes. Both of them turned out to be BIG mistakes.

Consequently, this time, I resolved to pay more attention to my cat's reaction.

At the appointed hour, Ricardo arrived at my house, and I nervously presented him to Polly. Would she run? Attack? Hiss? Snarl?

Answer- none of the above. Because Polly promptly decided that she liked Ricardo.

This was all well and good, but in the subsequent weeks, I've started to realise that she seems to like HIM more than she likes ME. 

• She RUNS to the door when she hears him knocking (and let me attest, Polly NEVER runs!)
• She meows constantly at him, wanting to be patted. 
• She follows him around, to the extent of parking herself outside the toilet door when he goes in. 
• And when he leaves, she sits where he's been sitting so she can pick up his scent.

Whilst I was glad Polly "approved", I seem to have been usurped in my cat's affections.

And this is something I DON'T like. At the risk of sounding petty and petulant- I was there first!

All I can say is, I really hope Ricardo and I don't break up anytime soon, as I don't know how to cope with a heartbroken cat.

Advice Part 72- Testing character in a few easy steps

Since I was three years old, I have had Type 1 (insulin dependent) diabetes. Just to clear up any confusion, T1 occurs when immune system attacks the pancreas, which stops producing sufficient insulin. It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with being overweight, eating an unhealthy diet, or not exercising enough.

Anyway. Rant over.

My advice for young players is that whilst there are few "bonuses" associated with having a medical condition like this, it can actually provide you with a REALLY effective way to judge a person's character.

How do I know this? Read on.....

A few years ago, I went to dinner with a "gentleman". As I wasn't sure when we'd be eating, I waited until we arrived at the restaurant and had placed our orders before I gave myself my insulin injection.

The insulin injection looks a bit like a pen. You attach a special needle to the top, dial up the dosage you want, and then inject it into your preferred body part (in my case, the abdomen, near my navel).

All up, this process takes about 20 seconds.

It's not a big deal.

Wanting to be polite, I mentioned to my date that I had diabetes, and I would be giving myself an injection under the table. I explained that (like the VAST majority of people with diabetes) I prefer not to inject in toilets, because they're generally not that clean. And it's a really minor procedure anyway.

Normally, people are fine with this. But my "date's" reaction was somewhat, err, different.

His expression was one of absolute horror. And repulsion.

"What the......?" he muttered. "You mean.....? You're not really.....? You've got DIABETES? I mean, err, umm......yuk......No, sorry, wow. And you have to give yourself an injection? That's disgusting. How can you do that to yourself? Really gross." And with that, he averted his gaze, and crinkled his nose.

Wow. Just wow.

Sure, some people are squeamish, and don't want to see me inject. That's why I warned him. And yes, I'd prefer it if I didn't have to inject at all. But it's a pretty simple equation- without injecting, I WILL DIE. I'm not doing this for kicks, for god's sake. So to say it's "disgusting" is REALLY, really insensitive.

I decided I wouldn't see him again after that. Which turned out to be a wise decision.

So now, when I meet someone I might like, I subject them to my own personal, copyrighted "Diabetes Reaction Character Test" ASAP to see how they respond. You've been warned! ;-)

Advice Part 71- Why I HATE the beach

As those of you in Sydney will have noticed (how could you not?) the weather of late has been unseasonably warm. Despite the fact that it's only October, the temperature is nudging 30 degrees, and I have been forced to prematurely abandon my opaque tights for fear of overheating.

Pah.

Whilst some of you may welcome the arrival of summer, for me, it tends to be greeted with considerable distaste, because suddenly one of the most popular topics of conversation is the beach.

And I LOATHE the beach. With a PASSION.

My advice for young players is that if, like me, you have a supreme aversion to the beach, and the mention of the word "Bondi" sends a cold, unpleasant shiver up your spine, it is best to exercise caution when airing this opinion, unless you wish to be viewed as being "somewhat eccentric."

So, you may be saying, it's all well and good that you don't like the beach (interesting bonus fact- the second phrase I learnt in Spanish, after "My name is...." was "No, I don't like the beach AT ALL). But WHY?

Well, here's a short list of some of the things I loathe....

• The sun. If, like me, you are somewhat fair, sitting out in the sun in the middle of the day tends to have VERY bad consequences. Such as sunburn so painful that you can't sit or lie down for a week. Even if you have used....

• Suncream. As well as having limited efficacy, suncream makes my skin greasy and leads to an inevitable break out of pimples (yet another part of my teenage years that I would rather not revisit). And, of course, it serves as a glue for.....
• Sand. Which has a tendency to deposit itself in the most inconvenient places. Such as inside your bag. And shoes. And, invariably, the crotch of your.....
• Swimsuit. Now this is my idea of HORROR. OK, so I'm not exactly high in body confidence, but I can think of few things worse than running around in a swimming costume. And people do this for PLEASURE?! Are they MAD?! Still, you can avoid displaying your (not so) "bangin' bikini body" by.....

• Swimming. Yet whilst the water may provide a convenient camouflage for the modest, you also run the risk of being caught in a rip, stung by bluebottles, eaten by sharks, washed out to sea.....the list goes on. 

Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't understand how anyone could actually ENJOY such an excursion.

All I can say is, give me a cold climate any day of the week.

Advice Part 69- Photos you SHOULDN'T take

Confession- as a lover of the interesting and unusual, I very much enjoy stumbling unexpectedly on strange things which take my fancy. In fact, the only thing I like more than discovering something delightfully whimsical is taking pictures of the said object on my phone, and sending such snaps to an unfortunate selection of friends.

Who I'm sure promptly delete them. But such is life.

My advice for young players is that a) liking weird things, and
b) taking photos of such objects
is all well and good, but sometimes, it really pays to exercise a bit of restraint.....

How do I know this? Read on.....

Last Thursday, I was invited to take part in a business meeting with some of my colleagues. The organiser had booked the meeting room upstairs, which is right next to the "big boss's" office.

I'd never been up there before, and when we had a break, I wandered into the "big boss's" kitchen to get a cup of tea. 

No problem.

But as I went to get some milk, I noticed that the "big boss" had one of those cool magnetic poetry sets. For those who don't know, such sets consist of about 250 random words (e.g. "he", "she", "sunshine", "cats"), which the creative can use to construct sentences.

There were the obligatory boring constructions e.g. "the book is red", but RIGHT IN THE CENTRE of the "big boss's" fridge, someone had written:

"IS IT TIME FOR COFFEE OR WILL I MAKE DO WITH SEX?"

I thought this was hilarious, but decided to add my own personal improvement, and put the word "HOT" between "WITH" and "SEX."

Puerile, I know.

This was too good an opportunity to miss, so I hurried back to the office, grabbed my phone, and proceeded to return to the kitchen to photograph my handiwork.

All was going well when the "big boss" walked in JUST AS I WAS PHOTOGRAPHING HER FRIDGE!

• Big Boss: Hello, there.
• Me (blushing bright red): Err, hello. 
• Big Boss (wearing quizzical expression): What exactly are you doing? 
• Me (sure I'm about to lose my job): Umm, I'm photographing your fridge.
• Big Boss: It's a very nice fridge, but may I ask why? 
• Me (wishing the earth would swallow me up): Because someone wrote a funny sentence on there.
• Big Boss (curious): Oh, really? Which one?
• Me (pointing with trembling hand): This one. About the "hot sex".
• Big Boss (reading the offending article): Oh, that's good. That might have been me. 
• Me (deadly silence)......
• Big Boss: You look a bit shocked. Why? 
• Me: Well, I was just a bit surprised. I thought this was a "G-rated" fridge.
• Big Boss (laughing): Oh no! Most definitely not. We like to have some fun up here.

And with a wink, she walked off.

Oh dear.

All I can say is, the next time I decide to do a bit of photography, I probably should exercise a bit more caution. But I know EXACTLY what I want for my birthday now (hint: magnetic poetry set!)

Advice Part 68- Allow me to introduce you to my bladder

Aah, conferences. They provide the opportunity to venture to far-flung locales, hear (hopefully) interesting papers, receive a fun-filled conference "show bag", and network your way to stardom.

My advice for young players is that conferences are all well and good, but it is best to exercise a considerable degree of caution when asking people about their "areas of interest", as you may get more than you bargained for. Or EVER wanted to hear.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Last Thursday, I attended a nursing conference on the Gold Coast. Armed with my newly minted stack of business cards, I installed myself behind the booth with my colleague, and prepared to recruit nurses for our study.

Too easy.

It was all going smoothly, until I said hello to a lady who was loitering slightly off to the side of our desk....

• Me: Hello, there. How are you going? Do you want any information about our study?
• Lady: Oh, I'm just looking. The study sounds interesting. 
• Me: Yes, we're looking to recruit people from a range of specialties. Can I ask you what area you work in? 
• Lady: Urogynaecology. I deal with women's bladder issues.
• Me (a bit surprised): Oh, that must be interesting! (trying to think of something to say.....) 
• Lady: It is. And how's your bladder going?
• Me (trying not to look too shocked): Oh, alright, I suppose. Nothing to complain about, ha ha ha!
• Lady: Are you sure? You've never had any problems down there? How do things go when you need to urinate?
• Me: Erm, they, umm, oh well, you know....Ha ha!
• Lady: No, I don't know. Come on- how's your bladder?

At this point, I was feeling VERY uncomfortable. The LAST thing I wanted to discus with a total stranger were my personal toileting habits, particularly considering that the room was packed, and our conversation could be EASILY overheard.

Realising that there was no way of excusing myself, I invited my new buddy to sit down at a side table, where she proceded to spend the next 30 minutes talking about my bladder, how I urinate, and which posture I should use to ensure that the whole bladder is emptied.

Dear god.

Eventually, the impromptu consultation finished, but then, the next morning AT BREAKFAST, I was approached by the bladder expert, asking if I'd tried out the new posture she'd suggested, and how my urinating was going this morning. I reported that it was "excellent", and that her new posture had completely changed my toileting approach (which was a bit of a lie, but I thought I should be enthusiastic....).

All I can say is, if you're a woman and you want any advice on your bladder, I know EXACTLY who you should be talking to.

Advice Part 67- Dating Disasters Part 4 (the original Dating Disaster)

I realised today that I haven't written a "Dating Disasters" themed blog for a while. And why may that be?

• Because I am no longer single? Ha ha. Funny. VERY funny.
• Because I am now so well-versed in avoiding dating disasters that every date I go on is a rip-roaring success? No. Please try again.

The answer is that I don't have any new dating disaster stories to impart because I, umm, haven't been on ANY dates (good, bad or indifferent) for at least 6 months.

I think we'll let that one go through to the proverbial keeper without comment.

But my advice to young players is that starting at the very beginning (which is, as The Sound of Music would tell us, "a very good place to start") can sometimes provide you with valuable insights about what is happening at the moment.

How do I know this? Read on.....

I had what could best be described as a somewhat delayed adolescence. In fact, it wasn't until I was (wait for it) 23 YEARS OLD that I first went on what could be described as a "date " (and those inverted commas are more important than you may think.....).

Dear god, this is SO SAD.

Anyway. Leaving that aside, my "first date" was one of those "is it or isn't it?" situations which seem to have plagued me EVER SINCE. To give a bit of background, I met the object of my ill-considered affections at uni, and, after some heavy-duty emailing, he suggested we "meet up for a coffee." Which turned into dinner and drinks.

All went well. Or so I thought, given my distinct lack of dating experience. Conversation was easy, there was some mild flirtation, discussion about single status, and the date lasted for 5 hours.

And when I got home and checked my email, I was delighted to find a message from the man in question, saying he had had a fantastic evening, was thinking of me in the car on the way home, and wanted to "catch up again really soon."

I took this as a good sign.

BUT (and there's ALWAYS a "but....").....

The next morning, another email arrived in my box. Written in the cold light of day, my previously ardent suitor "wanted to clarify what (I) thought last night was." He believed it was "a friendly meeting, not a date", and "didn't want (me) to get the wrong impression from (his) very friendly behaviour."

What the HELL?!


I wish I could say that I am now a maestro at avoiding such ambiguous situations. But, unfortunately, I am still absolutely RUBBISH at this sort of stuff. And I wouldn't mind betting that I'll still be engaging in such "friendly meetings" when I'm well into my 80s.

Advice Part 66- Too much advice....

Aah, the amusement....I'm giving advice on how to avoid unwanted advice.

Anyway......

If you're anywhere near as clueless as I am, you probably rely on other people's advice A LOT. But my advice to young players is that whilst this can be helpful at times, there is such a thing as TOO MUCH advice. And knowing when to stop seeking alternative opinions is a VERY valuable trait.

How do I know this?

Read on.....

In the last month or so, I have been suffering from a crazy eczema outbreak. What makes this particularly intriguing is that I have NEVER had eczema before and it's only on my face.Weird.

So, eczema novice that I am, I decided to ask some knowledgeable people for a bit of advice on the subject. BAD MOVE. I soon realised that everyone seemed to have a different suggestion for what was causing my new blotchy face, and what to do about it.

Here's a small sample of the "potential culprits"....

• Washing my face too much in hot water (Colleague 1)
• Touching something that I'm allergic to, then rubbing my hands on my face (Colleague 2)
• Office air conditioning being too dry (Colleagues 1, 2, 3)
• Stress (Mum)
• Allowing my cat to sleep on my bed (Mum and Colleague 3)
• Allergy to make up or shampoo (Dentist- yes, even my DENTIST wanted to offer some advice on this!)
• "Just one of those things" (Doctor)

 

The proposed cures were equally varied, and included:

• Not washing my face (Colleague 1)
• Washing my face in cold water only (Colleague 3)
• Washing my face using a special cream (Colleague 2)
• Buying a humidifier for the office (Colleague 1)
• Tricking my cat into not sleeping on my bed (Mum and Colleague 3)
• Anti-histamines (Colleague 3)
• Changing my make up and shampoo (good old dentist again)
• Anything BUT hydrocortisol cream (Colleague 3's SON, who had popped into the office for a visit)
• ONLY hydrocortisol cream (Doctor)

What the HELL?! After this, I felt more confused that ever. And the advice just keeps on coming.....

I think I'll go and buy a big paper bag to wear over my head. That should solve all my issues.

Advice Part 65 - Sexist rap?

I have always considered myself to be something of a “feminist”. Whilst I have stopped short of reading The Female Eunuch, and have yet to burn my bra or stop shaving my legs (sorry, had to chuck in a few clichés there....), I would describe myself as VERY committed to ensuring that women are treated equally to men.

But in the past month or so, I have come to realise that I have a MAJOR problem reconciling my feminist political views with my musical tastes.....

My advice to young players is that it MAY be acceptable to briefly suppress your moral outrage for the sake of a bit of enjoyment. But as soon as the fun is over, get back on your moral high horse lest it gallops away (I am going to wring every last drop out of that image...)

How do I know this? Let me explain....

It may come as a surprise for those of you who know me, but I have a rather unfortunate penchant for a particular "niche kind" of R&B, hip hop, and rap music. 

"A-ha!" you're probably saying. "That's no surprise at all. I bet you like nice, conservative R&B, like Boyz II Men, or Mariah Carey or Rihanna."

But if you thought that, you'd be VERY wrong.

Rather, my predilection is for blantantly sexist and misogynistic music which:

• objectifies women
• features near nude dancers gyrating in the video clips
• is full of lyrics about sex and the singer’s “performance in the sack”

 So, some tracks which I like:

• Gett Off- Prince
• Baby got back- Sir Mix-A-Lot
• Novacane- Frank Ocean (this is a KILLER track!)

 

The strangest thing about this is that there seems to be some sort of positive correlation between the sexism of the lyrics, and the amount I like the song- the more sexist, the more I’ll like it.

What really disturbs me is that if I heard these sort of sentiments expressed anywhere other than in music, I would be absolutely FURIOUS.

But, worst of all, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA why I like this sort of music. It seems to exert some sort of irresistible appeal for me. As soon as a sexist rap track starts playing, I can't resist.

This is one of those times that I wish Dr Freud was still alive, because I'm sure he'd have a field day with this sort of fascination.....