Wednesday 30 May 2012

Advice Part 54- How to avoid cooking

As those who know me well would vouch, one of my favourite passtimes is eating. There's few things I enjoy more than heading out to dinner at a new restaurant, and being presented with a veritable culinary extravaganza.

I'm getting hungry just writing this....


But whilst I have an enthusiasm for the consumption of food, I absolutely LOATHE cooking.

My advice for young players is that if you are like me, and the mere thought of cooking sends you into a veritable panic, it is possible to avoid this hated task without resorting to take away.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Confession- when I moved out of home, I didn't know how to cook a thing. I know, this is shameful, and I should have helped my mum out more when I was living in the nest. But that's all well and good in retrospect.....

I arrived at my new share house with pots, pans, measuring cups, and all manner of kitchen gadgets, which I fully intended to put to good use. I had visions of myself preparing sumptuous banquets of roast suckling pig with red wine jus and oil of truffles, followed by yak milk custard with hand-ground cocoa beans.

Accompanied, of course, with a healthy serve of pretentiousness.


Needless to say, this didn't happen, because I quickly discovered that I hated cooking. Every aspect of it. The chopping. The peeling. The slicing. The dicing. The frying. The baking. The burning.

All of it except the eating.

But that's when I came up with my GENIUS plan. And let me tell you, this knowledge CHANGED MY LIFE! (yes, this is beginning to sound like some self-help seminar, but relax, it's not)

I realised that all I had to do was cook up one HUGE batch of stew or casserole, split it up into 7 little containers, put these in the freezer, and my cooking was done for the ENTIRE WEEK.

Whoo hoo!

This way, I could still be healthy, legitimately tell my mum I was cooking my own meals, AND avoid spending hours in the kitchen. Perfect.

The only problem with this approach is that there, err, isn't much variety. But I guess that's a sacrifice that needs to be made.

Right?

Wednesday 23 May 2012

Advice Part 53- Spending too much time in the shower

In my opinion, there are few things better than a nice shower. However, showers (or more precisely, the time spent in the shower) can also be the source of bitter disputes.....

My advice to young players is that IF you are in the unfortunate position of having to share your showering facilities with other individuals, you better hope that none of them are members of the "too much time in the shower is never enough" species, or your sanity-and cleanliness- will be SORELY tested.


How do I know this? Read on.....

Until I was 26 years old, I lived at home with my parents (yes, I know, I should have left the proverbial nest earlier, but I had neither the funds nor the inclination), whose house only has one bathroom.

"OK," you might say. "Three people sharing one bathroom- that shouldn't be a problem!"

If only.


My mum and I tend to be pretty speedy with our showering. No issues there. But my dad was (and, by all reports, still is) another kettle of fish ENTIRELY.

One and a half hours is the typical duration of his daily libations, and anything less than an hour is considered akin to sacrilege.

God help you if he manages to nip into the bathroom ahead of you.




But my dad's extensive showering repertoire pales in comparison to my cousin, who is VERY vain about his appearance. When said cousin was staying with my grandfather, he once clocked up OVER TWO AND A HALF HOURS in the shower.

Bloody. Hell.

My unfortunate grandfather thought my cousin must have had an accident in there, and was starting to get very worried. But no- he eventually emerged around midday, amidst a mist of steam, a wave of cologne, and an elegant swishing of designer suit.



It was like that scene in As good as it gets when Jack Nicholson's character spends a couple of hours having a wash. Except Nicholson's character had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And was going on a date with Helen Hunt's character.

My cousin has no such excuses.

All I can say is, I hope I never have to share a bathroom with my father and cousin, or I will NEVER be getting a shower.

Tuesday 15 May 2012

Advice Part 52- Being a hoarder

Of late, I have started to realise that I have a major problem. Actually, change that.....

Of late, I have started to realise that I have yet another major problem of which I had previously been unaware. That's better.


The issue of which I speak is hoarding, or a complete and utter inability to throw ANYTHING out.

My advice to young players is that if you start to develop a hoarding habit, take action immediately! Otherwise, in a couple of years, your house and office will be full of stuff you REALLY don't need, but which you simply can't bear to throw away.....


How do I know this? Read on......

Around 2 weeks ago, I left my previous job, which meant that I had to clean up my desk. This initially sounded pretty easy- after all, I hadn't been there all that long, and I had only been working part-time.

WRONG! 

Once I started, I realised that it was going to take an absolute eternity to sort through all my stuff, because, in my infinite wisdom, I had decided to hoard ALL of the drafts of EVERY article I wrote, along with each of the journal articles I had cited in the papers.



Given I had written 9 articles, each with at least 6 drafts, and around 30 citations per paper, this gave a total of over 300 documents floating around.

Bloody hell.

"So what?" you may be saying. "Just toss them in the bin!" Aah, but there's the rub! When it came to disposing of the papers, I couldn't do it. "SURELY I must have kept them for a reason" I mused. "And I don't want to throw out something important....." So I left them there, in a huge pile, for the new occupant of my desk.

I bet that person was thrilled.

When I got home that night, I realised that I have a serious problem with hoarding.....
  • In the drawer under my TV, I keep EVERY SINGLE RECEIPT that I get so that I can "keep track of my spending." 
  • My pantry is full of cans of tuna, "just in case I run out." 
  • In my wardrobe are a pile of singlets with holes and tears in them that I simply can't bear to throw in the rubbish
  • And let's not even start on the big pile of newspaper articles which I've ripped out at one stage or another, and have never got around to reading.....
Let's just hope I never have to move again....

Saturday 5 May 2012

Advice Part 51- When choosing your animal companion....

I know I'm not the only one out there who shares their humble abode with a member of the feline persuasion. And whilst I am inordinately fond of my cat, Polly, I have also come to realise that owning such an animal has a number of VERY bad side effects.


One in particular.

My advice to young players is that IF you are going to obtain a cat, and IF you also have a penchant for only wearing clothes of one particular colour, it is best to make sure your cat's fur is the same shade as your gear.
How do I know this? Read on....

A few months ago, it was unseasonably cold, so I decided I would wear a jumper. As those of you who know me would attest, the VAST majority of clothes in my wardrobe are black, and this sweater was no exception.

So I chucked it on, not really looking too closely, and headed to the station.

I was sitting on the seat, waiting for my train, when the random man next to me started to chat:



  • Man: What's the name of your cat?
  • Me (a bit suspiciously): Pardon?
  • Man: Your cat. What's his or her name?
  • Me (cagily): Polly. Why? How do you know I have a cat?
  • Man (looking smug and self-satisfied): It's not exactly difficult to tell. She's got a lot of white on her, hasn't she?
  • Me (starting to get a bit worried): Well, yes, she has. How did you know?
  • Man (laughing uproariously): I know because you are absolutely covered in white cat hairs!


At this, I glanced down at my jumper, and sure enough, he was right. There was a veritable forest of white fur ALL OVER IT.



My new buddy thought this was hilarious- "Don't worry, I'm covered in hairs, too!" he laughed, proudly holding out his arm, which was populated with ginger cat fur.

Hmm. Great.

After that day, I've been maniacally brushing my clothes to try and clean off the cat hair, but with little effect. But let me assure you, the next cat I get will DEFINITELY be black.

Or hairless.....

Or I guess I could start a little enterprise like this.....