Monday 26 December 2011

Competition!!!!!- Find me a (decent) date....

As readers of this blog know, my love life (or lack thereof) is a veritable disaster.

And things seem to have hit a REAL low now, after catching the guy I was seeing out with another woman (but I'll leave those sordid details for another post.....)


In an effort to save myself from any more, err, "mistakes", I've decided to try a new approach.

Empirical studies have shown that a lot of successful relationships start when the couple are introduced by mutual friends. So now we reach the fun part.....

I've decided to have a little contest. 




YOUR MISSION (should you choose to accept it): To find me a decent guy. This could be a friend, older brother, younger brother, distant cousin, eternally single co-worker, random man you chat to on the bus, or even yourself. Someone you know, trust, and like.


THE CRITERIA: I'm not too fussy, but I am looking for someone who is male, is over 25, is smart, interesting and funny, is able to hold a decent conversation, likes reading/movies/wine/coffee, who ISN'T married or in a relationship with someone else, and who is fundamentally kind, honest and treats me well. As most people reading this will be my friends, you know what I'm like, and I think you can probably make a pretty good judgement as to what kind of person I'd go for.



HOW THIS WORKS: If you think you know someone who meets the criteria, FANTASTIC! Let me know a bit about them, and I'll pass you my details. I also have an email contact form on the base of this page.

THE PRIZE: Anyone who makes a good suggestion will be rewarded with a prize! (I'm thinking of a bottle of wine, a book, or a cake of your choice cooked by me (I'm actually quite a good cook), but I'm open to suggestions!)




Your time starts....NOW!

Saturday 24 December 2011

Advice Part 34- How to survive Christmas lunch

It being Christmas Day today, and with the late afternoon lull upon me, I decided it may be an opportune time to update my blog with a festive-themed special (I can't be accused of not being topical!).

And what more difficult festive occasion is there than (insert ominous music here).....Christmas lunch?


My advice for young players is that Christmas lunches are events unlike any other, and you should expect typical rules of behaviour to be thrown out the door.....

Case in point. Today, my mum and I went for lunch at my cousin's place. We have been doing this for as long as I can remember, and EVERY year the following happen:

  • Someone in the family has either lost or gained A LOT of weight, both of which tend to create an awkward situation. Do you tell the newly thin person that you used to think they were a bit on the large side? And should you acknowledge that someone has put on a bit of weight, or just ignore the proverbial "elephant in the room" situation (pardon the inappropriate figure of speech....oh hell, figure of speech?....I think I should stop there before my puns get any worse)? 

  • Somebody brings up the "peanut butter sandwich" story. Again. This story centres around the fact that I ONCE refused to eat my Christmas turkey, and asked for a peanut butter sandwich instead. I was 4 at the time. The story has been told 27 times since.....Groan.

  • The Christmas bon bons are rubbish. Every year, my cousin goes to a different place, hoping to FINALLY find some decent crackers. But they are always TERRIBLE. I mean, who really wants a plastic fish which ostensibly tells your fortune? And is it REALLY that hard to find some half-funny (or even a quarter funny?) jokes

  • There is a "musical interlude". This is my FAVOURITE part of the day, and consists of my cousin's husband bringing out his melodica and playing a song while their dog howls an accompaniment. Generally after everyone has had a fair bit to drink, and finds a "singing dog" charming.

These sorts of things NEVER happen any other time of year. But I guess that's part of the appeal.....

Monday 19 December 2011

Advice Part 33- Attracting attention from the ladies

So, as readers of this blog would know, I do not seem to have a whole lot of success with men. I have had a couple of good relationships, but these have been few and far between.....


Yet whilst I have a LOT of trouble attracting romantic attention from the males of the species, I have no such problem receiving interest from ladies.

This would be great. Except from the fact that I am not a lesbian or bisexual.


My advice to young players is that if you receive advances from people of the gender that you are NOT interested in, it's best to take them as a compliment, rather than as a suggestion that your sexuality is ambiguous.

Case in point. On Friday night, my friend and I were out at a restaurant. We sat down, pulled out the menus, and I began discussing my cat. However, I soon became aware that our chat was causing A LOT of interest from two ladies at the neighbouring table....


After a few minutes of silently listening in, the woman next to me pulled out her phone, and showed me a photo of her cat (aka "The devil in a fur coat"). Then the OTHER lady produced HER phone, and started chatting away. The conversation continued for around 20 minutes, both ladies talking away furiously at me, and totally ignoring my friend.

When they FINALLY left, my friend remarked "Wow. The lesbian ladies certainly like YOU." "Ha ha ha!" I smiled nervously "Weren't they just being friendly?" "Err, no", my friend disagreed, laughing away.


I tried to shrug it off, but things took a further turn when we went to the bottle shop to purchase some wine, and the woman behind me asked what I was doing for the rest of the night, and if I'd like to join her to "party on" at her place.


WHAT THE HELL?!

I haven't been approached by three men in an entire year!!!! Yet three women tried to pick me up in a SINGLE NIGHT?! What on earth was happening???

Maybe I should take Woody Allen's advice, and play to my strengths. After all, as he rightly remarks, the good thing about being bisexual is that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night.



Sunday 11 December 2011

Advice Part 32- Eavesdropping for beginners

OK, I'll admit it- there are few things I enjoy more than secretly listening in on other people's private conversations.


However, my advice to young players is that if you, too, are an afficianado of eavesdropping, it is VERY important to do so with SUBTLETY, as there are few things more embarrassing than giving the game away.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Today, I was catching the train into the city, and had just pulled my book out of my bag, ready for a boring journey. But when we pulled into the next station, some people got on and sat near me. They started talking, and I immediately tuned in.


 
  • Guy: So, will you be spending Christmas with your family?
  • Girl: Yep. But my step-brother is overseas at the moment.
  • Guy: How old is he?
  • Girl: 19. The same as us.
  • Guy: Step-brother....so that means you're not related by blood at all?
  • Girl: No. His dad and my mum are married. She had me before they met, and my stepdad already had him.
  • Guy: Interesting. But wait a minute......I just thought of something! If you're not related, then it would be OK for you to have sex with him, wouldn't it? Is he hot?
What the HELL?!

As soon as the guy uttered this statement, I couldn't help myself. I spun around, and gave him an incredulous look. But this let the proverbial cat out of the bag, as it was obvious that I had been listening in to EVERYTHING they'd said.



I seriously don't know who was more embarrassed- me, for being caught out eavesdropping, or them, for having a discussion about the ethics of sleeping with your step-brother.

Needless to say, they dropped their voices after that, and so I never did get to find out my fellow travellers' views on the appropriateness of step-sibling relationships.

But it certainly made the train trip a LOT more interesting. 

Sunday 4 December 2011

Advice Part 31- Taming the untameable

Confession- I am always jealous when someone says that they are having a "bad hair day". Why? Because such a statement implies that they have at least SOME hair days which are not bad.....

Oh, how I envy them! I would be happy for JUST ONE day of decent looking hair.


My advice to young players is that if, like me, you have somewhat recalcitrant hair, don't even bother trying to change it, unless you have time and money to burn.

How do I know this? Read on.....

At the end of every year, the flamenco dance studio I attend puts on a concert. We all have to perform, and make sure we are attired in "genuine flamenco style."



Including "genuine flamenco hair."

This creates a major problem for me, given that "genuine flamenco hair" is long, straight, shiny and held back in a bun. In contrast, my own hair is short and curly, and strongly resembles that of Robert Smith from The Cure.


But worse.

In order to create my "genuine flamenco look", I borrowed my friend's hair straightener, and set to work. I mean, how hard could it be?

Answer-harder than I thought. After 30 minutes with the straightening iron, and half a can of hairspray, I had coaxed it into a semi-straight form. BUT as soon as I had smoothed it all down, it promptly curled back up again! Trying to get it straight was an unending task, like the men who paint the Harbour Bridge- as soon as one part is done, you have to go back to the beginning again and redo the bits which have started disintegrating.


Consequently, I arrived at the concert looking an absolute fright, once again beaten into submission by my uncontrollable hair.

Next year, I'm wearing a wig. Or maybe I'll join a The Cure tribute band instead.