Advice Part 43- How to behave on holidays

With my long-awaited trip to Spain almost upon me (I leave tomorrow night!), now seems an opportune time to pass on some handy advice on what sort of behaviour is (or isn't) appropriate when travelling to a foreign land.

My advice to young players is that if you are overseas, and are suddenly swept up in a wave of Australian patriotism, it is best to resist this urge, and instead head back to your hotel for a quiet night.

How do I know this? Read on.....

When I was 23, I went on a trip to South East Asia. Being a far from adventurous traveller (nothing much has changed here!), I decided to book a small group tour. And by a weird twist of fate, all the other members of the group were from Australia and New Zealand.....

Hmm.

All went well (or as well as it could, given that the humidity was about 110%, and there wasn't a day under 35 degrees) until the final evening of the tour, when Sam (one of the guys in the group) suggested we all go on a "wild Aussie/Kiwi night out" in Chiang Mai.

Oh dear.

This is what happened:

• We got attired in our  "Aussie tourist wear". This consisted of $3 "Same same but different" T-shirts bought from the markets, shorts and thongs.

• Sam flagged down two tuk tuks, and asked the drivers if they would engage in a race down the main street of Chiang Mai, bribing them with "danger money" if they agreed. Which they did. 

• Following a terrifying ride, we screeched to a halt outside a cheap pub, which had just closed for the night.
• In a show of Western cultural imperialism, we proceeded to gesture frantically through the window, so that the owner would re-open the establishment. Which they did.
• Instead of ordering beers or something equally easy, it was resolved that we all have Long Island Iced Teas, which take an ETERNITY to make. Especially when there's 12 people waiting.....

• In the final coup de grâce, one of the other members of the group requested the owner of the pub put on Khe Sanh (I shudder even writing this!) so that we could sing along with Barnesy and make TOTAL idiots of ourselves. 

All we needed for a REALLY yobbo-ish (yobbish???) night out was an Australian flag to wear as a cape, and a few XXXXs.

Let me assure you, I won't be taking any such items to Spain.

Advice Part 42- The IDEAL job for single men is....

In the course of my (seemingly unending) singledom, I have made more than a few trips to the liquor store, to purchase some alcoholic beverages with which to drown my proverbial sorrows.

But it was only yesterday that I reached the following monumental conclusion.....

My advice to young players is that if you are a single male, looking to find a partner, first find yourself a job in a liquor store.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Yesterday afternoon, I went to a very civilised garden party in Rozelle. This required a trip to the bottle shop in the morning in order to stock up on appropriate liquid beverages.

As we all know, Sunday morning is not exactly peak alcohol buying time, so when I entered the liquor store, I was the only customer there. I picked up a few bottles of cider, and headed to the counter to pay.

All was going as per usual.

When I produced my wallet, I made some banal conversation with the (not unattractive) guy behind the counter. And when I say banal, I MEAN banal- "Gee, it isn't too busy here today, is it?"

The guy then proceded to (completely and utterly unasked):

• demonstrate the store's new-fangled gas machine, which means it is possible to keep a bottle of red wine open for a month without it going off (!!!)

• describe why some people go red in the face after one glass of wine (apparently it's an allergic reaction to preservatives) (!!!)
• show me every other bottle of cider under the sun, and give me extensive notes on the differences between brands (!!!)
• explain why the "ready to drink" alcopops are stored where they are (so the sales assistant can monitor the underage drinkers coming in to buy them)

• ask me about the party I was going to that afternoon (!!!)

He talked to me for over 30 minutes, and the conversation only ended when some other customers (!!!!!) arrived.

These customers were also single ladies.

But this REALLY got me thinking.....

I know of AT LEAST two other single female friends who have been "interested" in men who work in the local bottle shop. And I wouldn't be opposed to making another visit back to my store to have a further chat with the attractive guy. Although I don't want to go back too soon, in case he thinks I'm an alcoholic who needs to "stock up" on drinks every day or two***.....

But I swear, if you are a single man, looking to meet ladies, you could do A LOT worse than working in a bottle shop....

***NOTE Any hints on what I should do here are WARMLY welcome! Should I go back? And if I do, how can I "casually" find out if he's single (without looking seedy)? Also, do men who work in liquor stores get staff discounts? Advice wanted!

Advice Part 41- Things to conceal from your guests

Aah, holidays! There are few things more pleasant than spending a couple of weeks taking it easy in a foreign land, enjoying new food, meeting new people, and seeing new sights....

And it's even better if you manage to find someone to rent your apartment while you are away. Bonus!

However, my advice for young players is that if you are having a near-stranger stay in your humble abode, it is prudent to make sure that you have a safe and secure place to hide your "more personal" items. Or else you run the risk of your guests doubting your sanity....

How do I know this? Read on.....

I am leaving for Spain at the end of the month, and am having a visiting academic (and her husband) stay in my place while I'm gone. So, on the weekend, I decided to do a bit of a clean up in preparation for my guests' arrival.

But as I went through my house, I realised that I have quite a lot of VERY embarrassing things hanging around that I don't want them to see, including:

• A T-shirt with a pink goblin smoking a "funny cigarette" on the front. I got this shirt in a (not so) lucky dip, and wear it when I'm cleaning the toilet.

• Two black wigs, one long and one short, which I bought for fancy dress parties.

• A special "nasal cleansing device" which my dad bought me when I was suffering from hayfever. Erm..

• And, last but not least, a collection of strawberry and chocolate ripple flavoured condoms, which I was given when a friend had an "adult piñata" at his 40th birthday party.

Dear god.

If my guests catch sight of my belongings, they will probably assume that my typical routine consists of me:

• inviting an "intimate friend" around;
• donning my goblin shirt;
• smoking copious amounts of "wacky baccy", followed by some "nostril cleansing";
• both of us getting dressed up in the wigs for some kinky role playing;
• and then putting the flavoured condoms to good use.

Bloody hell.

Consequently, I have decided to store these items in a locked trunk, safely out of my guests' reach. Still, at least they won't be able to accuse me of being boring.....

Advice Part 40- Fun things to do on Friday nights

I have recently finished a period of "temporary temperance", in which I have been avoiding imbibing any alcoholic substances AT ALL.

This has necessitated a few changes to my typical Friday night routine. Now, rather than heading to the pub, I am more likely to be found doing my grocery shopping.

Thrilling, I know.

My advice to young players is that this has NOT been a bad thing- rather, late night grocery shopping is often more fascinating that ANYTHING you'll see in a bar.

Case in point. Last Friday, at 9:45pm, I realised I had yet to do my shopping, and so I headed up the road to Franklins to buy some milk and eggs. I then joined the queue to pay.

All was fine and dandy.

But then a- how do I say it?-"somewhat inebriated" elderly gentleman entered the store. He lurched down the first aisle, and began a swerving journey towards the rear of the shop.

Five minutes later, I felt a shove in the back, as the elderly drunk pushed past me, and made a lunge for the exit. He had clearly decided that he couldn't be bothered lining up and paying, and had simply shoved a whole collection of chocolate bars down his T-shirt.

And he wasn't just stealing one or two. He must have had AT LEAST 20 in there.

Needless to say, this didn't go unnoticed, and the following conversation ensued.

• Cashier One (yelling to Cashier Two): Hey, Josh! Stop this guy! He's stealing stuff!

• Cashier Two (looking a bit frightened): Umm, sure. (Addressing the drunk) Excuse me, sir. Can I ask what you have up your shirt?

• Drunk (inaudible muttering, then....): Nothing!!!

• Cashier One (getting very excited): He's lying, Josh! He's lying!

• Cashier Two: Sir, I can see a chocolate bar poking out of your shirt. And why have you got your arms folded like that?

• Drunk: (expletives aplenty)

• Cashier Two (pleading): Come on, sir. Please. What have you got up your shirt?

• Drunk (triumphantly): Nothing! I'm having a baby! I'm pregnant!

• Cashier Two (shocked silence, then.....): I am so happy for you. And you have come to the right place-I'm a doctor, and I'm going to deliver your baby! Ooh, I can see it coming out now!

At this stage, he approached the drunk, who looked completely horrified. The light fingered gent promptly let go of his bundle, and made a run for the exit, as the chocolate bars cascaded out of his shirt.

I definitely know where I'll be going for Friday night entertainment in future.