Advice Part 102- Dating Disasters Part 5 (otherwise known as "the date that never happened")

I realised today that it has been a while since I wrote about my dating disasters, as new material has not been forthcoming of late (whether for better or for worse). Hence, this story is being dredged from the very bowels of my collection, amidst the muddy, rotting detritus of awkward situations that I would prefer not to revisit with any regularity.....

But, that being said, I think it provides some useful advice to young players that if someone advises you NOT to approach a potential partner, it is often a good idea to take this warning seriously.

How do I know this? Read on.....

A few years ago, I was desperate. I am not ashamed to say this now, but it was a most grim time. My eyes were constantly open, seeking opportunities, and I thought I had hit the proverbial jackpot when my neighbour told me she was moving out, and she would be renting her apartment to her cousin.

The following conversation ensued:

• Me: So....Is your cousin a man or a lady?
• Her: A man
• Me: And how old is he? (subtlety was never my strong point)
• Her: 28. Around your age.
• Me (unable to believe my good fortune): And he's married?
• Her: No.
• Me (getting more and more excited): Single, then?
• Her: I'm not sure.
• Me: That's great! I can't wait to meet him! (Hell, relating this story now, I cringe at my level of desperation)
• Her (big pause): He's not the man for you.
• Me: Oh. Right. Fair enough, then. Umm.....

To be honest, I was a bit shocked by this. "Not the man for you"? What on earth did THAT mean? How did my neighbour know what sort of men were or weren't for me? I like to think of myself as very open-minded. Perhaps this guy was JUST the man for me! Or didn't she think I was good enough for him? That was a bit offensive. Or did he have some particular predilection for women of a certain "type" (e.g. blonde hair, Asian background) so that she knew in advance that he wouldn't have any interest in me?

My mind considered all possibilities, and, like a child who has been told that no, that sweet is "not the one for you", I became more and more determined to meet this elusive cousin.

But the day he arrived, I realised that she was right. He was NOT the man for me. Because not only was he in a relationship, but his partner was another guy.

Strangely enough, I was absolutely DELIGHTED by this discovery! There wasn't anything "wrong" with me, that made me an unsuitable dating prospect for the cousin. Rather, he was "not the man for me" because I was not a man for him, if that makes sense.

And I think that's a good thing.

Advice Part 101- Clothes that fit

Once upon a time, in the dim recesses of history (perhaps not the time of Socrates, but at least back in the Middle Ages), I was a size 10. However, unlike the ANZACs, age has wearied me and the years have condemned, and my waistline has burgeoned.

I am now a size 14.

At this stage, I would typically say "no biggie." But perhaps that isn't appropriate here....

However, in recent days, I have come to a rather startling revelation- whilst I know that I am no longer a slender adolescent, many others seem to lack the knowledge that they are NOT a size 10, and insist of wearing clothes which DO NOT FIT. Hence, my advice to young players is that if you are going to buy some clothes, please, PLEASE buy a size which fits, whether it is a size 10, 16, or 26!!!!!

How did I reach this conclusion? Read on.....

As many of you will know, of late I have joined the dark side and acquired an office job in the city. Besides an income, my job has provided me with ample opportunity to observe the sartorial preferences of my fellow city workers. And, snide and snarky as this may sound, I have noticed a disturbing propensity for both genders to don clothes which simply do. not. fit. And the vast majority of those who wear clothes that don't fit are wearing ones which are WAY too small.

Of course, dear readers, I do not believe that YOU fit (ha ha, see what I did there?) into the category of the "eternal size 10 who refuses to acknowledge that they are probably closer to a size 16." But, in case you are EVER tempted to enter this "forbidden realm", or in case some of your nearest and dearest are showing signs of toppling over the edge, I have decided to assemble a helpful little list.

How to tell if your clothes are too small:

• You are wearing a button up shirt, and the buttons gape open or pop off. If one button falls off, OK, perhaps it wasn't sewn on correctly. But when they all ricochet off regularly with abandon, this is a worrying sign.
  
• You are unable to sit down, because of the risk that the seams on your skirt or pants will split.
• Your pants are so snug that not only can passersby see the outline of your underpants from the back, they can also see the outline of your undies (and everything else) from the front. This is extremely disturbing.

• There is a big gap between the bottom of your pants and the tops of your shoes, so that everyone can see exactly what colour socks you are wearing. This is particularly embarrassing when the socks don't match, and one is a novelty Mickey Mouse style, whilst the other is a grey business sock.

• Your skirt is so short that when you sit down, your underpants are clearly visible. This is particularly bad when you're sitting opposite someone on the train. 

• Your shirt keeps coming untucked from your pants because it doesn't have enough material to stay tucked in.
• You have to leave the zip on your skirt (or dress) half undone because the material won't stretch sufficiently to allow you to do it up the whole way.
• It is possible to see the "control line" at the top of your stockings poking out from under your skirt. 

Hopefully, these hints are useful. And, if in doubt, remember my old adage (which I may perhaps have borrowed from someone): with clothes, sometimes more is definitely more!