Sunday 21 December 2014

Advice Part 104- Christmas gifts

Aah, Christmas. A time of joyful carols (well, joyful the first time....somewhat less charming when you are subjected to Jingle Bells for the thousandth occasion), crowded shopping centres, too much food, and Santas who seem to look more frightening every year (serious question- is it really that hard to invent a realistic looking fake beard?).

However, all this pales in comparison to the horror of trying to find gifts for troublesome family members. Particularly if said family members have rather...errr....."unique"...interests.

My advice to young players is that such a process is likely to be filled with considerable frustration, (and potential humiliation), so you had best be prepared.

How do I know this? Read on.....

My father is a 74 year old retired gentleman. He enjoys reading, documentaries (especially concerning Ancient Egypt or the First and Second World Wars), gardening, and anything to do with Alexander the Great (I was a disappointment from the very moment of my arrival on this earth-I was not a boy).


However, his favourite thing is mushrooms.

But not the kind that you eat- he hates those. Rather, he likes red poisonous mushrooms with white spots. Only red ones. And only with white spots. The parameters are strict, and widening them is a no-no.

Anyhow......

On Saturday, I went shopping for my dad's Christmas present, and decided that I would buy him something mushroom-related to add to his burgeoning collection. At Bondi Junction, I hit the proverbial jackpot. There, in a homewares store, was a delightful, crocheted mushroom, of precisely the right colour and shape.

There was only one problem. Said decorative mushroom was actually a baby's rattle, which emitted a jolly "tinkle tinkle" when picked up. Still, that didn't bother me, and off I went to the counter to pay. That's where the fun started....


  • Shop assistant: Hello, there. How are you today?
  • Me: Very well, thanks. And you?
  • Shop assistant: Doing your Christmas shopping? This rattle is just lovely, isn't it? It's wonderful when there's children at Christmas.
  • Me (stupidly): Oh, it's not for a child. 
  • Shop Assistant (curious): No? 
  • Me: Oh no! It's for my dad.
  • Shop assistant (looking a bit perturbed): OK. Sure.
  • Me (trying desperately to salvage the situation): Yes, he just loves mushrooms! Especially red ones with white spots. He can't get enough of them. 
  • Shop assistant (clearly fearing for my sanity, and likely concluding that my father is a "magic" mushroom fiend): Well, he'll like this one. I think. 
  • Me (getting more and more desperate): Oh, he will. His lounge room is filled with mushrooms. 
  • Shop assistant (silently looking more and more worried).....

Let me assure you, I beat a hasty retreat from that shop. And I don't expect I'll be going back any time soon. But I guess I probably provided an amusing anecdote for the shop assistant, who could go home and tell her friends about the crazy woman who came in to buy a baby's rattle for her magic mushroom loving father....