Competition!!!!!- Find me a (decent) date....

As readers of this blog know, my love life (or lack thereof) is a veritable disaster.

And things seem to have hit a REAL low now, after catching the guy I was seeing out with another woman (but I'll leave those sordid details for another post.....)

In an effort to save myself from any more, err, "mistakes", I've decided to try a new approach.

Empirical studies have shown that a lot of successful relationships start when the couple are introduced by mutual friends. So now we reach the fun part.....

I've decided to have a little contest. 

YOUR MISSION (should you choose to accept it): To find me a decent guy. This could be a friend, older brother, younger brother, distant cousin, eternally single co-worker, random man you chat to on the bus, or even yourself. Someone you know, trust, and like.

THE CRITERIA: I'm not too fussy, but I am looking for someone who is male, is over 25, is smart, interesting and funny, is able to hold a decent conversation, likes reading/movies/wine/coffee, who ISN'T married or in a relationship with someone else, and who is fundamentally kind, honest and treats me well. As most people reading this will be my friends, you know what I'm like, and I think you can probably make a pretty good judgement as to what kind of person I'd go for.

HOW THIS WORKS: If you think you know someone who meets the criteria, FANTASTIC! Let me know a bit about them, and I'll pass you my details. I also have an email contact form on the base of this page.

THE PRIZE: Anyone who makes a good suggestion will be rewarded with a prize! (I'm thinking of a bottle of wine, a book, or a cake of your choice cooked by me (I'm actually quite a good cook), but I'm open to suggestions!)

Your time starts....NOW!

Advice Part 34- How to survive Christmas lunch

It being Christmas Day today, and with the late afternoon lull upon me, I decided it may be an opportune time to update my blog with a festive-themed special (I can't be accused of not being topical!).

And what more difficult festive occasion is there than (insert ominous music here).....Christmas lunch?

My advice for young players is that Christmas lunches are events unlike any other, and you should expect typical rules of behaviour to be thrown out the door.....

Case in point. Today, my mum and I went for lunch at my cousin's place. We have been doing this for as long as I can remember, and EVERY year the following happen:

• Someone in the family has either lost or gained A LOT of weight, both of which tend to create an awkward situation. Do you tell the newly thin person that you used to think they were a bit on the large side? And should you acknowledge that someone has put on a bit of weight, or just ignore the proverbial "elephant in the room" situation (pardon the inappropriate figure of speech....oh hell, figure of speech?....I think I should stop there before my puns get any worse)? 

• Somebody brings up the "peanut butter sandwich" story. Again. This story centres around the fact that I ONCE refused to eat my Christmas turkey, and asked for a peanut butter sandwich instead. I was 4 at the time. The story has been told 27 times since.....Groan.

• The Christmas bon bons are rubbish. Every year, my cousin goes to a different place, hoping to FINALLY find some decent crackers. But they are always TERRIBLE. I mean, who really wants a plastic fish which ostensibly tells your fortune? And is it REALLY that hard to find some half-funny (or even a quarter funny?) jokes

• There is a "musical interlude". This is my FAVOURITE part of the day, and consists of my cousin's husband bringing out his melodica and playing a song while their dog howls an accompaniment. Generally after everyone has had a fair bit to drink, and finds a "singing dog" charming.

These sorts of things NEVER happen any other time of year. But I guess that's part of the appeal.....

Advice Part 33- Attracting attention from the ladies

So, as readers of this blog would know, I do not seem to have a whole lot of success with men. I have had a couple of good relationships, but these have been few and far between.....

Yet whilst I have a LOT of trouble attracting romantic attention from the males of the species, I have no such problem receiving interest from ladies.

This would be great. Except from the fact that I am not a lesbian or bisexual.

My advice to young players is that if you receive advances from people of the gender that you are NOT interested in, it's best to take them as a compliment, rather than as a suggestion that your sexuality is ambiguous.

Case in point. On Friday night, my friend and I were out at a restaurant. We sat down, pulled out the menus, and I began discussing my cat. However, I soon became aware that our chat was causing A LOT of interest from two ladies at the neighbouring table....

After a few minutes of silently listening in, the woman next to me pulled out her phone, and showed me a photo of her cat (aka "The devil in a fur coat"). Then the OTHER lady produced HER phone, and started chatting away. The conversation continued for around 20 minutes, both ladies talking away furiously at me, and totally ignoring my friend.

When they FINALLY left, my friend remarked "Wow. The lesbian ladies certainly like YOU." "Ha ha ha!" I smiled nervously "Weren't they just being friendly?" "Err, no", my friend disagreed, laughing away.

I tried to shrug it off, but things took a further turn when we went to the bottle shop to purchase some wine, and the woman behind me asked what I was doing for the rest of the night, and if I'd like to join her to "party on" at her place.


WHAT THE HELL?!

I haven't been approached by three men in an entire year!!!! Yet three women tried to pick me up in a SINGLE NIGHT?! What on earth was happening???

Maybe I should take Woody Allen's advice, and play to my strengths. After all, as he rightly remarks, the good thing about being bisexual is that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night.

Advice Part 32- Eavesdropping for beginners

OK, I'll admit it- there are few things I enjoy more than secretly listening in on other people's private conversations.

However, my advice to young players is that if you, too, are an afficianado of eavesdropping, it is VERY important to do so with SUBTLETY, as there are few things more embarrassing than giving the game away.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Today, I was catching the train into the city, and had just pulled my book out of my bag, ready for a boring journey. But when we pulled into the next station, some people got on and sat near me. They started talking, and I immediately tuned in.

 

• Guy: So, will you be spending Christmas with your family?
• Girl: Yep. But my step-brother is overseas at the moment.
• Guy: How old is he?
• Girl: 19. The same as us.
• Guy: Step-brother....so that means you're not related by blood at all?
• Girl: No. His dad and my mum are married. She had me before they met, and my stepdad already had him.
• Guy: Interesting. But wait a minute......I just thought of something! If you're not related, then it would be OK for you to have sex with him, wouldn't it? Is he hot?

What the HELL?!

As soon as the guy uttered this statement, I couldn't help myself. I spun around, and gave him an incredulous look. But this let the proverbial cat out of the bag, as it was obvious that I had been listening in to EVERYTHING they'd said.

I seriously don't know who was more embarrassed- me, for being caught out eavesdropping, or them, for having a discussion about the ethics of sleeping with your step-brother.

Needless to say, they dropped their voices after that, and so I never did get to find out my fellow travellers' views on the appropriateness of step-sibling relationships.

But it certainly made the train trip a LOT more interesting. 

Advice Part 31- Taming the untameable

Confession- I am always jealous when someone says that they are having a "bad hair day". Why? Because such a statement implies that they have at least SOME hair days which are not bad.....

Oh, how I envy them! I would be happy for JUST ONE day of decent looking hair.

My advice to young players is that if, like me, you have somewhat recalcitrant hair, don't even bother trying to change it, unless you have time and money to burn.

How do I know this? Read on.....

At the end of every year, the flamenco dance studio I attend puts on a concert. We all have to perform, and make sure we are attired in "genuine flamenco style."

Including "genuine flamenco hair."

This creates a major problem for me, given that "genuine flamenco hair" is long, straight, shiny and held back in a bun. In contrast, my own hair is short and curly, and strongly resembles that of Robert Smith from The Cure.

But worse.

In order to create my "genuine flamenco look", I borrowed my friend's hair straightener, and set to work. I mean, how hard could it be?

Answer-harder than I thought. After 30 minutes with the straightening iron, and half a can of hairspray, I had coaxed it into a semi-straight form. BUT as soon as I had smoothed it all down, it promptly curled back up again! Trying to get it straight was an unending task, like the men who paint the Harbour Bridge- as soon as one part is done, you have to go back to the beginning again and redo the bits which have started disintegrating.

Consequently, I arrived at the concert looking an absolute fright, once again beaten into submission by my uncontrollable hair.

Next year, I'm wearing a wig. Or maybe I'll join a The Cure tribute band instead.

Advice Part 30- Customer "service" to the extreme....

One of the (few) things that I enjoy about shopping at the same small shops EVERY week is that after a while, you get to become familiar with the shop owners. But there is a fine line between a shop keeper being "friendly enough" and being "TOO friendly".....

My advice to young players is that if your shop keeper begins to be a bit too "buddy buddy", it may be time to think about crossing to the dark side, and heading to (dare I say it?) Woolworths instead.

How do I know this? Read on.....

On Friday, as is my routine, I went to the butcher shop to buy my meat for the week. The butcher is, how do I say this politely, "quite a character", and loves nothing more than engaging in a bit of "witty" repartee with the regular customers.

Fine. Nothing wrong with that.

But, on this occassion, things took an inappropriate turn when a lady came into the shop with her three children. The butcher, figuring it was never too early to recruit new customers, promptly grinned and waved at the kids. There was a short pause, and then the boy started wailing, and grabbed onto his mother.

The butcher, realising that he'd stuffed up big time, grabbed a frankfurt from the small goods section, and waved it at the screaming child enticingly. "Look what I have for you, big boy!" he crowed. "I bet you'd like this sausage, right?"

After giving said frankfurt to the child, the butcher promptly looked at me and the mother, gave us a big wink, and said "Oh, but let's not forget the lovely ladies....I bet you'd both like to have a bite of my special sausage, wouldn't you? Come on, girls, there's enough for everyone here! Ho ho ho!"

At this, the woman and I looked at each other in absolute horror, and then muttered some excuses about not wanting his "special sausage."

My. God.

Since when did half a kilo of mince come with "bonus" sleazy come ons and double entendres? Is this a new "service" that the butcher has decided to supply?

Vegetarianism is looking more appealing by the second.

Advice Part 29- Daggy musical taste

I have loved music for as long as I can recall. But whilst I am an enthusiastic listener, my musical taste could best be described kindly as "eclectic", and not-so-kindly as "absolutely woeful."

Case in point- my first "musical purchase" was a John Farnham single which I bought with money I had received for my sixth birthday.

As if my liking for John Farnham wasn't bad enough in and of itself, I must admit that I STILL HAVE the single in question.

And listen to it. Occasionally.

My musical taste has evolved (somewhat) since then, but I do still have a bit of a liking for some VERY daggy music.

My advice to young players is that liking daggy music is all well and good, but it is best to make sure that said songs are removed from your iPod BEFORE you allow somebody to have a look through your playlists.

 How do I know this? Read on.....

On Sunday night, I was having a conversation with a friend about musical tastes, and the following occurred:

• Him: What sort of music do you like?
• Me (vaguely): Oh, just about everything.....
• Him: Sounds interesting (pause).....Hey, do you mind if I have a look through your iPod?
• Me : What? Err, my iPod? Oh, you don't want to do that!
• Him: Yes, I do. I'm curious to see what's there. 

 

With some reluctance, I handed over the iPod. There was a bit of a pause as he scrolled down the list. Then:

• Him: So, you like the B52s?
• Me (blushing furiously): Ha ha ha! Err, yes.....
• Him: And the Bee Gees?
• Me (wanting to curl up and die): Yep. Them too.
• Him: And look, Billy Joel!
• Me (weeping silently): Yes, Billy Joel
• Him: Oh! But there's the Beastie Boys! I almost missed them.
• Me (frantically): Yes, the Beastie Boys...The others are just there for fun.
• Him: Hmm, right.

Fortunately, he gave up after the "Bs", so he didn't discover Cold Chisel, Kylie Minogue, and Outkast lurking further down the list. Thank God.

But I STILL maintain that "shake it like a Polaroid picture" is an immortal song lyric.

 

Advice Part 28- Making yourself more attractive.....

Confession- I have a guilty fascination for trashy magazines..... In fact, I almost ENJOY waiting at the doctors' surgery, as it gives me an excuse to read such "insightful" material, which I would NEVER, ever buy myself. 

Consequently, I am well acquainted with the variety of recommendations on "upping your sex appeal", "improving your bangin' bikini body" and "making yourself too hot to resist."

But my advice to young players is that all these recommendations will be TOTALLY useless if you forget the most basic laws of personal hygiene. 

How do I know this? Read on....

A few weekends ago, my friend and I decided to go to karaoke. All was well and good- we had a few drinks, sang a couple of songs, and were having a nice night.

Until I had the misfortune to attract the attention of one of the male patrons.

As those who know me could attest, this sort of thing DOES NOT happen regularly. In fact, I could count on one FINGER the number of times a man has approached me......

But my initial excitement quickly turned to horror, because as soon as the gentleman in question came near me, my nostrils were assailed by a veritable wave of body odour. It was just ghastly..... He smelt like he had run a marathon, and then come straight to the pub.

As you do.

Consequently, I couldn't listen to a word he was saying, because I was so busy trying to avert my nose. As were all the other patrons within a hundred metre radius of us.

Needless to say, I politely refused his offer of a date. But I did feel a bit sorry for the poor guy, as he may not have realised he had a problem.

If anyone has any SUBTLE hints for how to tell people they need "a bit more deodorant", I'd be happy to hear! Otherwise, I will be donning my gas mask on future visits to the pub.....

Advice Part 27- Faux pas

Faux pas. I'm sure we've all made a few in our time.......Or, if you're anything like me, MORE than a few.

But whilst faux pas may be (somewhat) amusing when someone else has made them, there are few things more excruciating than making one yourself.

My advice for young players is that if you do happen to make a faux pas, the best thing to do is to try and extricate yourself from the situation ASAP, preferably whilst still maintaining an air of dignity.

How do I know? Read on.....

This afternoon, I gave a paper at a philosophy seminar. There were a number of people there who I didn't know, including an older lady, who I assumed was a mature age student.

So far, so good.

After the presentation, myself and some of the attendees headed to the coffee shop, as is routine. I found myself sitting beside the older lady, and decided to introduce myself:

• Me: Hi, I'm......Nice to meet you.
• Her: I'm .........
• Me: So, are you a post grad student?
• Her: No, I'm not.
• Me: You're doing an undergraduate degree?
• Her: No. I was just interested in the topic, so I decided to come along.
• Me: Great! It must be good having free time to come to these sorts of things. Why not do some study in philosophy? Perhaps an undergrad degree?
• Her: I've already done a fair bit of study in philosophy. I'm on a professorial fellowship.
• Me: (Stunned silence)

At this point, I wanted to shrivel up and die. I mean, fellowships are almost IMPOSSIBLE to get, unless you're a) exceptionally highly qualified;
b) well-known; AND
c) your work is excellent.

And there I was, asking if she was an UNDERGRADUATE? Or if she was just there because she had a free afternoon?

My. God.

If anyone has a "How to identify philosophers in their natural habitat" field guide, I would be VERY pleased to borrow a copy.....

I am keeping my mouth closed until then.

Advice Part 27- Heavy metal

Aah, music! The nectar of life! There are few things more enjoyable than going to a gig to hear some music that  "rocks your (proverbial) world."

My advice to young players is that going to hear new musical styles is all well and good. However, it is best to exercise some degree of caution, particularly if the "new styles" you are listening to are the ABSOLUTE opposite of your usual musical tastes......

Case in point. A few weeks ago, I decided to attend a friend's thrash metal gig at a pub in Sydney. And, as we all know, heavy metal is not exactly "my thing." (ha ha, yes, I know- MASSIVE understatement)

Sure, I've heard of Metallica. And Blind Guardian. And the Utopia Record Store. And I am even aware that Dave Mustaine recently released his autobiography (sorry, that's showing off a bit- although Mustaine is probably a bit "mainstream" for true metal aficionados). But that is the COMPLETE limit of my knowledge.

So let's just say I was a bit dubious about what to expect.....

Unsurprisingly, the metal concert was TOTALLY different to any gig I've attended. I have NEVER been to a concert before where:

• you are scanned with a "metal detector" (ho ho ho....) before being allowed in
• the bouncer won't let you take lollies into the pub "in case they contain illegal substances"
• the gig itself is held in a cold underground "bunker"
• the ability to dance, wave your hair around, and play your instrument simultaneously is a prerequisite for band membership
• there is a removal of shirts (and attachment of nipple tassels) at the end of the show.

Much to my own surprise, I quite ENJOYED the theatrics. Although I still think it's unlikely that you'll see me in the front row of metal shows any time soon.....

(Sorry, couldn't resist these pictures.....)

Advice Part 26- Avoiding photos when you're NOT photogenic

One thing I know only too well is that there are some people who always look AMAZING in photographs.

Even if you catch them from an angle which would be totally unflattering for any mere mortal, they manage to look great. The "camera loves them", so to speak.

I am NOT one of these people. 

Rather, if there was a contest for the least photogenic person on earth, the only serious contenders for the title would be me and my mother (sorry, Mum!).

No matter how hard I try (and trust me, I'm doing my best), in almost every photo I have:

• My eyes closed
• My mouth pulled into a horrible snarly grimace
• My hair flying crazily all over the place.

My advice for young players is that if you, too, are TOTALLY unphotogenic, it is best to develop some (not too) subtle techniques for avoiding the camera.

Here's a few examples from a wedding I attended recently. As we all know, weddings are one event where almost everyone is running around with their photography equipment. This provides a MAJOR challenge for the camera shy......But, as these photos "of me" show, it is possible to (almost) avoid having your picture taken! This can be accomplished by:

1.  Hiding on the edge of the photo (that's me in the pink spotty skirt....)

 2. Concealing yourself behind a tall gentleman in a purple shirt

3. Making good use of an umbrella (that's me closest to the camera).

However, if all this fails, and you simply CANNOT avoid having your photo taken, there is always the "back turning" option, as I am illustrating here at another party:

And no, I am NOT ready for my close up, Mr DeMille.....