Unfortunately not. I haven't been on holidays for over a year (unless you count four days in Blackheath over Christmas-and I don't). And my exhilarating romance is significantly less exhilarating after the "broken washing machine door incident".
But let's not dwell on that (much as I'd like to.....)
So, at the request of my greatest and most loyal reader (and, most probably, my ONLY reader- Hello Mum!), I have decided to return once more unto the breach, dear friends.......
As those of you who know me would attest, I am not exactly the most outgoing individual on earth. That's putting it mildly. Whilst I have improved my social skills somewhat in recent years (such that people no longer tend to flee when I approach- aah, the fun of high school!), I am still not what you would deem "the life of the party."
However, my advice to young players is that no matter how reluctant you are, there is a pretty good chance that someday, you are going to be asked to do some public speaking. In such a situation, it is best to take some preliminary steps to ensure that any damage to your self-esteem (and audience) is minimised.
How do I know this? Read on......
A few weeks ago, I was asked if I would give a lecture on research ethics. As my CV is looking a bit bereft in the teaching section, I figured this would be a good idea. I assumed that there'd be 20 or so first year students present, and they wouldn't know a lot about the subject.
Oh, my naivete! There were OVER 150 people in the subject and they were all MASTERS students. Plus, most disturbingly, they were described by a colleague as "very engaged and knowledgeable."
What the HELL had I let myself in for? Stupid, STUPID me.
Somehow, I miraculously survived the lecture (and its attendant horrors). Though I still don't know how. And in the spirit of magnanimity, I have the following advice to offer any potential public speakers:
- Tempting as it may be, bailing at the last minute IS NOT an appropriate technique. Neither is going to the pub for a shot of "Dutch courage". This can ONLY end badly;
- If you've using a computer for your presentation, and are taking your file on a USB stick, make sure you've removed ALL embarrassing files/folders from the stick, as, in your pre-lecture panic, you may open the USB in "display and project" mode, and reveal the ENTIRE contents of your drive to the audience. This can be quite embarrassing if your drive is full of Peter Gabriel sound files. Clearly labelled as such.
- Put in lots and lots and lots of pictures. And videos. And anything which will distract the audience from looking at you;
- If you're like me, and sweat profusely, make sure you wear clothes which don't show sweat stains. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! Black is good; white is good. Grey is REALLY, REALLY bad, and grey marle is the absolute worst;
- If people get up and leave halfway through the lecture, don't take it as a personal affront. It's only when they start to leave IN DROVES that you should start to worry.
- And if they fall asleep, that's never an encouraging sign;
- Don't let them see that you're petrified. Students can smell your fear. They'll feed on it. And devour you alive;
- Question time is a risky endeavour, as you are leaving yourself open to looking VERY, VERY SILLY. Only to be attempted by those at the "expert" level.
