Advice Part 98- If you like big butts

There are few things more positive for the self-esteem than receiving a sincere compliment from a random stranger. It takes considerable courage to approach somebody you don't know, and tell them that you like their hair/shoes/bag/new shirt.

But my advice to young players is that there are some things you should NOT comment on. No matter how admirable they are. And one of these things is a person's bottom.

How do I know this? Read on....

Yesterday, I was heading home after my yoga class. As I couldn't be bothered getting changed for the short train ride back, I headed to the station in my yoga attire (consisting of a very long, very unsexy T-shirt and saggy baggy pants-NOT like these).

I have done this at least a hundred times before with no issues, and I didn't expect anything this time, either.

Big mistake.

All was fine and dandy until I heard uproarious sniggering behind me. Looking around, I saw two guys in their early twenties laughing their heads off, and pointing at my backside. When they saw me watching them, one immediately burst into a rousing rendition of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby got back."

Sample lyrics- "I like big butts and I cannot lie" and "I want them real thick and juicy." The singing was sporadically interrupted by huge snorts of laughter and cries of "shake it", directed towards me.

I was FURIOUS. 

HOW DARE THEY MAKE FUN OF MY BUM?????!!!!!! MY bum! My BUM! MY BUM!!! (etc etc)

Certainly, it could be argued that Sir Mix-a-Lot (the Shakespeare of our modern age, perhaps?) presents a rather, err, positive view of round backsides. And by singing it at me, perhaps the young knights at Newtown station wished to convey their appreciation of my rump in the only way they knew how?

OK, I don't dispute this. However, what this comment fails to acknowledge is that Sir Mix-a-Lot's tale of booty is directed at women with VERY LARGE backsides. And I most certainly don't like strangers at the station pointing out to all and sundry that I have a fat bum. Even if I do. Comparatively speaking.

Instead of "shak(ing) that healthy butt", as my fans exhorted me, I promptly sat down to block their view of my notable posterior, and gave them my very own patented death stare.

That put an end to that.

All I can say is, if you do like big butts, you don't have to lie. But maybe keep your opinions to yourself at the station.

(P.S. This video is great. Check out the lady dancing from 2:46 onward!)

Advice Part 97- Not THAT kind of partner

(Special thanks to Mel and her husband, John, for following my blog and for suggesting this topic!)

For the past four years (eek!), I have been studying Spanish, with VERY limited success. If I'm talking about myself in the present tense, everything's fine and dandy. But as soon as the past or future or other people are involved, I lose it entirely.

However, my advice to young players is that if you want to improve your Spanish, take care with the methods you use, or you may get more than you bargained for. Nudge nudge, say no more, etc etc.

How do I know this? Read on.....

A few weeks ago, when I quit my job, I suddenly had LOADS of free time, which meant I could devote more effort to my Spanish studies (and let's be honest here, I hadn't devoted much effort up until now....).

But what to do?

• Enrol in more classes? No, I'm too broke. 
• Start watching Spanish films? I get too tempted by the subtitles. 
• Read Spanish newspapers online? Boring. 
• Move to Spain and throw myself in there? Two words. If only.

Anyway, I decided that the best thing to do (times being what they are- hello, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead) was to participate in a language exchange with someone from Spain or South America. I've done this four or five times before, and it's been great. You meet up once a week or so, and spend an hour talking in English, an hour in Spanish, and you help the other person with their grammar/pronunciation/vocabulary.

So, I dusted off my old advertisement, added a photo of the Alhambra, and posted it in the Community--> Language Swap section of the (insert name of free Australian classified) website.

And that's when the fun started.

I have no idea why, but my ad seemed to attract a rather, err, "particular" group of respondents. Despite PURPOSEFULLY not using the words "language partner" (that's just asking for trouble) or posting pictures of myself in revealing attire (unlike many of the other advertisers- I'm not joking), most of the replies I seemed to get were from men wanting to meet up for "kinky times."

One asked me to send him my picture, to see if I was "the right type of partner." Another sent a string of suggestive emails, asking if I lived alone and was looking for a "real man."

To make the whole thing more undignified, the sleazy men didn't even speak Spanish!!!!!

I just don't get it. Is "language exchange" some sort of weird euphemism for "sexual services", like "handbag" is a euphemism for "good looking male arm candy"? Was I inadvertently advertising another kind of service? Or are there people out there who are such desperados that they answer any type of ad with a lewd offer, figuring they have nothing to lose?

The mind boggles. And NOT in a good way.

All I can say is, next time I think about advertising for a language partner, I might post my ad in the Adult Fun section of the website. After all, the replies can't be any stranger, can they?

Advice Part 96- When not to write back

One rather unwelcome fact about myself which I have been forced to acknowledge lately is that I have what could be euphemistically termed "a bit of a temper." Beneath the benign exterior lurks a beating heart, filled with fury. And one thing which REALLY gets me riled up and liable to explode is negative emails.

My advice to young players is that if you receive an email which gets your proverbial goat, DO NOT WRITE BACK immediately. Or at all. Instead, allow your anger to go from a boil to a gentle simmer before you give your interlocutor the full benefit of your superior intelligence. How do I know this? Read on.....

A while ago, I submitted a paper to an academic journal for publication. The obligatory eon passed, and I received a reply. The reviewers liked my paper, but wanted a few changes.

No biggie. A revise and resubmit was a good result.

So, model academic citizen that I am, I made the changes (which I didn't like much, but anyway.....), and resubmitted the paper, expecting an acceptance.

Hence, you can imagine my FURY when I received a rejection!!!! I was absolutely incensed, and decided to let the editor of said journal know my thoughts on the subject.

In a fit of rage, I sat down, and typed out an email, in which I questioned "the rigour (or lack thereof) of the editorial process" and expressed my "extreme surprise and disappointment at the negative reception towards (the) revised article." I continued in a similar vein for a few more paragraphs, just to ram the point home that I was NOT happy.

Feeling extremely proud of myself, and righteously indignant, I pressed "send", and thought no more about it.

Well, no more until I received a reply from the editor herself, telling me that my email was "lacking in collegiality" and "disrespectful to (her) and to the journal." She advised me to "moderate my tone" and to "behave with greater decorum."

Oh dear. That's one journal I won't be submitting to in the future.....

Another, more recent, incident occurred when I received a rejection for a job I had applied for. The form "thanks, but no thanks" email included a glaring error in punctuation, which I decided to generously point out to the sender, along with informing them that I thought it was "extremely unprofessional" and "cast a bad impression" that their rejection email was so poorly composed.

I didn't receive a reply to that sterling effort. And I doubt I'll be getting a job there anytime soon.

My new policy is to still compose emails of fury, and then send them to myself, rather than the intended recipient. This way, I can exorcise the demons, and exercise my literary "skills", without causing offence or making things more difficult for myself in the future.

But if anyone would like me to write such an email on their behalf, please let me know. My rates are very cheap.