Advice Part 34- How to survive Christmas lunch

It being Christmas Day today, and with the late afternoon lull upon me, I decided it may be an opportune time to update my blog with a festive-themed special (I can't be accused of not being topical!).

And what more difficult festive occasion is there than (insert ominous music here).....Christmas lunch?

My advice for young players is that Christmas lunches are events unlike any other, and you should expect typical rules of behaviour to be thrown out the door.....

Case in point. Today, my mum and I went for lunch at my cousin's place. We have been doing this for as long as I can remember, and EVERY year the following happen:

• Someone in the family has either lost or gained A LOT of weight, both of which tend to create an awkward situation. Do you tell the newly thin person that you used to think they were a bit on the large side? And should you acknowledge that someone has put on a bit of weight, or just ignore the proverbial "elephant in the room" situation (pardon the inappropriate figure of speech....oh hell, figure of speech?....I think I should stop there before my puns get any worse)? 

• Somebody brings up the "peanut butter sandwich" story. Again. This story centres around the fact that I ONCE refused to eat my Christmas turkey, and asked for a peanut butter sandwich instead. I was 4 at the time. The story has been told 27 times since.....Groan.

• The Christmas bon bons are rubbish. Every year, my cousin goes to a different place, hoping to FINALLY find some decent crackers. But they are always TERRIBLE. I mean, who really wants a plastic fish which ostensibly tells your fortune? And is it REALLY that hard to find some half-funny (or even a quarter funny?) jokes

• There is a "musical interlude". This is my FAVOURITE part of the day, and consists of my cousin's husband bringing out his melodica and playing a song while their dog howls an accompaniment. Generally after everyone has had a fair bit to drink, and finds a "singing dog" charming.

These sorts of things NEVER happen any other time of year. But I guess that's part of the appeal.....

Advice Part 9- Karaoke!

(This post is dedicated to my friend Jatinder)

Aah, the karaoke bar....

I have spent many a pleasant (and not so pleasant) night in such establishments.

With the weekend almost upon us, I thought this was a suitable opportunity to provide some advice on surviving "the karaoke experience" to all the young players out there. Just in case you're tempted to go.....

Karaoke is TOTALLY UNIQUE. If you have never walked down the stairs of Karaoke World, and heard the garbled strains of tuneless warbling emanating from the (supposedly) soundproof rooms, you don't know what you're missing.

(Interesting fact- I don't think it is entirely co-incidental that a Molotov cocktail was once thrown into said venue.....Someone's singing must have been REALLY bad that night)

Here are a few pointers for surviving karaoke:

• NEVER, EVER go to the karaoke bar without having a drink first. Ideally, make sure you have drunk enough that the prospect of making a monumental fool of yourself is no longer a major concern.
• Accept the fact that the worst songs generally provide the best karaoke fodder. Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a prayer" is a case in point.

• Have some signature karaoke tunes which you can belt out reasonably tunefully. Preferably something easy.
• Unless you are MC Hammer (or similar), DO NOT try to rap. Particularly if you have followed Point 1.
• If you are trying to divert attention from your singing, dancing is a good tactic. So, too, is making fun of the bizarre 1980s style music videos.

With these tips in mind, you should survive your karaoke experience.

And maybe even enjoy it.