Advice Part 99- Driving with restraint

Aah, the open road! The sound of wheels upon the asphalt! The wind whistling through the window! The soft hum of the engine! The beautiful scenery encompassing you as you motor past! Or, as Mr Toad says "When I'm messing around in cars, the world is apple pie."

Certainly, some people (and toads) may love driving. However, I can loudly proclaim that I am not one of them. Hence, my advice for young players is that if you are looking to go on a roadtrip, I am probably not the best person to ask along.

Let me elaborate....

Last week, my companion and myself embarked on an 800km journey to the wilds of Tasmania. Because said companion does not drive, I was given the role of "official chauffeur."

At first, this newfound responsibility seemed quite exciting- I could choose where we went! I would be in control! But as the days went by, some little frustrations started to gnaw at me.

More precisely, why is it that....

• On the first day, a bird decides to leave a "calling card" on the windshield, which cannot be removed via wipers/squeegee/scrubbing, and so your view of the road for the next six days is perpetually interrupted by an unfortunate splodge in the centre of your field of vision?

• Your travelling companions' choice of music is absolutely dreadful? We had a grand total of three CDs for the entire trip, consisting of Mercedes Sosa (an Argentinian folk singer who is good in SMALL doses), Tom Waits (if I hear "Big in Japan" ONCE MORE, I think I will scream), and Frank Ocean (my choice- we listened to 3 tracks before it was deemed "too boring").
• When a road is narrow, windy and treacherous, (preferably with a sheer drop on one side, and a rock face on the other) you will invariably face a plethora of B-double trucks hiding behind the corners, and rollocking out at great speed just when you're trying to take a sharp turn?

• No matter how fast you go (and, in my case, this isn't very fast), the idiot in the car RIGHT BEHIND YOU wants to go much, much faster, and does his best to let you know you're going too slow by sticking his proverbial nose up your backside? (sorry for the colourful metaphor, but you get my drift....)

• By the time you finally reach your destination, you're so buggered from dodging the trucks and crazy other drivers that all you want to do is lie down on the bed and go to sleep, rather than admiring the sights you've driven halfway across the island to see?
• The only petrol station you can find when you need to fill up the tank is in the backwoods of the back of beyond (pretty far back, in other words), and charges far more than any other station? 
• When you try to open the petrol cap at said station, you can't find the lever to do so (because only REALLY old cars have levers, as I discovered), and you need to ask the patronising yokel who runs the station to assist you? Cue snide comments about "city lady drivers." 

If anyone wants to drive me around on a trip, be my guest. But in future, I will be firmly ensconced in the passenger seat.