Advice Part 30- Customer "service" to the extreme....

One of the (few) things that I enjoy about shopping at the same small shops EVERY week is that after a while, you get to become familiar with the shop owners. But there is a fine line between a shop keeper being "friendly enough" and being "TOO friendly".....

My advice to young players is that if your shop keeper begins to be a bit too "buddy buddy", it may be time to think about crossing to the dark side, and heading to (dare I say it?) Woolworths instead.

How do I know this? Read on.....

On Friday, as is my routine, I went to the butcher shop to buy my meat for the week. The butcher is, how do I say this politely, "quite a character", and loves nothing more than engaging in a bit of "witty" repartee with the regular customers.

Fine. Nothing wrong with that.

But, on this occassion, things took an inappropriate turn when a lady came into the shop with her three children. The butcher, figuring it was never too early to recruit new customers, promptly grinned and waved at the kids. There was a short pause, and then the boy started wailing, and grabbed onto his mother.

The butcher, realising that he'd stuffed up big time, grabbed a frankfurt from the small goods section, and waved it at the screaming child enticingly. "Look what I have for you, big boy!" he crowed. "I bet you'd like this sausage, right?"

After giving said frankfurt to the child, the butcher promptly looked at me and the mother, gave us a big wink, and said "Oh, but let's not forget the lovely ladies....I bet you'd both like to have a bite of my special sausage, wouldn't you? Come on, girls, there's enough for everyone here! Ho ho ho!"

At this, the woman and I looked at each other in absolute horror, and then muttered some excuses about not wanting his "special sausage."

My. God.

Since when did half a kilo of mince come with "bonus" sleazy come ons and double entendres? Is this a new "service" that the butcher has decided to supply?

Vegetarianism is looking more appealing by the second.

Advice Part 29- Daggy musical taste

I have loved music for as long as I can recall. But whilst I am an enthusiastic listener, my musical taste could best be described kindly as "eclectic", and not-so-kindly as "absolutely woeful."

Case in point- my first "musical purchase" was a John Farnham single which I bought with money I had received for my sixth birthday.

As if my liking for John Farnham wasn't bad enough in and of itself, I must admit that I STILL HAVE the single in question.

And listen to it. Occasionally.

My musical taste has evolved (somewhat) since then, but I do still have a bit of a liking for some VERY daggy music.

My advice to young players is that liking daggy music is all well and good, but it is best to make sure that said songs are removed from your iPod BEFORE you allow somebody to have a look through your playlists.

 How do I know this? Read on.....

On Sunday night, I was having a conversation with a friend about musical tastes, and the following occurred:

• Him: What sort of music do you like?
• Me (vaguely): Oh, just about everything.....
• Him: Sounds interesting (pause).....Hey, do you mind if I have a look through your iPod?
• Me : What? Err, my iPod? Oh, you don't want to do that!
• Him: Yes, I do. I'm curious to see what's there. 

 

With some reluctance, I handed over the iPod. There was a bit of a pause as he scrolled down the list. Then:

• Him: So, you like the B52s?
• Me (blushing furiously): Ha ha ha! Err, yes.....
• Him: And the Bee Gees?
• Me (wanting to curl up and die): Yep. Them too.
• Him: And look, Billy Joel!
• Me (weeping silently): Yes, Billy Joel
• Him: Oh! But there's the Beastie Boys! I almost missed them.
• Me (frantically): Yes, the Beastie Boys...The others are just there for fun.
• Him: Hmm, right.

Fortunately, he gave up after the "Bs", so he didn't discover Cold Chisel, Kylie Minogue, and Outkast lurking further down the list. Thank God.

But I STILL maintain that "shake it like a Polaroid picture" is an immortal song lyric.

 

Advice Part 28- Making yourself more attractive.....

Confession- I have a guilty fascination for trashy magazines..... In fact, I almost ENJOY waiting at the doctors' surgery, as it gives me an excuse to read such "insightful" material, which I would NEVER, ever buy myself. 

Consequently, I am well acquainted with the variety of recommendations on "upping your sex appeal", "improving your bangin' bikini body" and "making yourself too hot to resist."

But my advice to young players is that all these recommendations will be TOTALLY useless if you forget the most basic laws of personal hygiene. 

How do I know this? Read on....

A few weekends ago, my friend and I decided to go to karaoke. All was well and good- we had a few drinks, sang a couple of songs, and were having a nice night.

Until I had the misfortune to attract the attention of one of the male patrons.

As those who know me could attest, this sort of thing DOES NOT happen regularly. In fact, I could count on one FINGER the number of times a man has approached me......

But my initial excitement quickly turned to horror, because as soon as the gentleman in question came near me, my nostrils were assailed by a veritable wave of body odour. It was just ghastly..... He smelt like he had run a marathon, and then come straight to the pub.

As you do.

Consequently, I couldn't listen to a word he was saying, because I was so busy trying to avert my nose. As were all the other patrons within a hundred metre radius of us.

Needless to say, I politely refused his offer of a date. But I did feel a bit sorry for the poor guy, as he may not have realised he had a problem.

If anyone has any SUBTLE hints for how to tell people they need "a bit more deodorant", I'd be happy to hear! Otherwise, I will be donning my gas mask on future visits to the pub.....

Advice Part 27- Faux pas

Faux pas. I'm sure we've all made a few in our time.......Or, if you're anything like me, MORE than a few.

But whilst faux pas may be (somewhat) amusing when someone else has made them, there are few things more excruciating than making one yourself.

My advice for young players is that if you do happen to make a faux pas, the best thing to do is to try and extricate yourself from the situation ASAP, preferably whilst still maintaining an air of dignity.

How do I know? Read on.....

This afternoon, I gave a paper at a philosophy seminar. There were a number of people there who I didn't know, including an older lady, who I assumed was a mature age student.

So far, so good.

After the presentation, myself and some of the attendees headed to the coffee shop, as is routine. I found myself sitting beside the older lady, and decided to introduce myself:

• Me: Hi, I'm......Nice to meet you.
• Her: I'm .........
• Me: So, are you a post grad student?
• Her: No, I'm not.
• Me: You're doing an undergraduate degree?
• Her: No. I was just interested in the topic, so I decided to come along.
• Me: Great! It must be good having free time to come to these sorts of things. Why not do some study in philosophy? Perhaps an undergrad degree?
• Her: I've already done a fair bit of study in philosophy. I'm on a professorial fellowship.
• Me: (Stunned silence)

At this point, I wanted to shrivel up and die. I mean, fellowships are almost IMPOSSIBLE to get, unless you're a) exceptionally highly qualified;
b) well-known; AND
c) your work is excellent.

And there I was, asking if she was an UNDERGRADUATE? Or if she was just there because she had a free afternoon?

My. God.

If anyone has a "How to identify philosophers in their natural habitat" field guide, I would be VERY pleased to borrow a copy.....

I am keeping my mouth closed until then.

Advice Part 27- Heavy metal

Aah, music! The nectar of life! There are few things more enjoyable than going to a gig to hear some music that  "rocks your (proverbial) world."

My advice to young players is that going to hear new musical styles is all well and good. However, it is best to exercise some degree of caution, particularly if the "new styles" you are listening to are the ABSOLUTE opposite of your usual musical tastes......

Case in point. A few weeks ago, I decided to attend a friend's thrash metal gig at a pub in Sydney. And, as we all know, heavy metal is not exactly "my thing." (ha ha, yes, I know- MASSIVE understatement)

Sure, I've heard of Metallica. And Blind Guardian. And the Utopia Record Store. And I am even aware that Dave Mustaine recently released his autobiography (sorry, that's showing off a bit- although Mustaine is probably a bit "mainstream" for true metal aficionados). But that is the COMPLETE limit of my knowledge.

So let's just say I was a bit dubious about what to expect.....

Unsurprisingly, the metal concert was TOTALLY different to any gig I've attended. I have NEVER been to a concert before where:

• you are scanned with a "metal detector" (ho ho ho....) before being allowed in
• the bouncer won't let you take lollies into the pub "in case they contain illegal substances"
• the gig itself is held in a cold underground "bunker"
• the ability to dance, wave your hair around, and play your instrument simultaneously is a prerequisite for band membership
• there is a removal of shirts (and attachment of nipple tassels) at the end of the show.

Much to my own surprise, I quite ENJOYED the theatrics. Although I still think it's unlikely that you'll see me in the front row of metal shows any time soon.....

(Sorry, couldn't resist these pictures.....)

Advice Part 26- Avoiding photos when you're NOT photogenic

One thing I know only too well is that there are some people who always look AMAZING in photographs.

Even if you catch them from an angle which would be totally unflattering for any mere mortal, they manage to look great. The "camera loves them", so to speak.

I am NOT one of these people. 

Rather, if there was a contest for the least photogenic person on earth, the only serious contenders for the title would be me and my mother (sorry, Mum!).

No matter how hard I try (and trust me, I'm doing my best), in almost every photo I have:

• My eyes closed
• My mouth pulled into a horrible snarly grimace
• My hair flying crazily all over the place.

My advice for young players is that if you, too, are TOTALLY unphotogenic, it is best to develop some (not too) subtle techniques for avoiding the camera.

Here's a few examples from a wedding I attended recently. As we all know, weddings are one event where almost everyone is running around with their photography equipment. This provides a MAJOR challenge for the camera shy......But, as these photos "of me" show, it is possible to (almost) avoid having your picture taken! This can be accomplished by:

1.  Hiding on the edge of the photo (that's me in the pink spotty skirt....)

 2. Concealing yourself behind a tall gentleman in a purple shirt

3. Making good use of an umbrella (that's me closest to the camera).

However, if all this fails, and you simply CANNOT avoid having your photo taken, there is always the "back turning" option, as I am illustrating here at another party:

And no, I am NOT ready for my close up, Mr DeMille.....

Advice Part 25- Leg waxing

Aah, October. Summer is finally just around the corner.....

• Daylight saving is here. 
• The electric blanket and quilt have been put away.
• The "sweat towel" is now a necessary yoga accessory.
• And shorter skirts are looking like a very real possibility. 

But this can only mean one thing.....the dreaded LEG WAX!

My advice for young players is that if you MUST subject yourself to this experience, it is best to realise that it is likely to be both painful and VERY awkward.....

Case in point. Last Friday, it was about 30 degrees, and I felt very tempted to wear a skirt. However, glancing down at my legs, I saw they were covered with horrible, thick black hair.

NOT attractive.

Hence, I gathered my courage and rang up the beautician to book in for that afternoon.

For those who have never had their legs waxed, there are few things more humiliating. After removing (most of) your clothes, and donning the obligatory gown, you lie there on the bed, listening to the "soothing" music, whilst the beautician drips scorching hot wax on your thighs, then RIPS it off, taking the hairs with it.

This process continues for around 20 minutes.

But the most bizarre part of the whole waxing experience is that whilst you are being subjected to these indignities, you are also expected to carry on a "relaxed" conversation with the beautician about topics such as how busy you are at work, what you're doing at the weekend, and how your Spanish lessons are going.

This is almost IMPOSSIBLE when you're trying not to yelp in pain.

Winter, long pants, and radical feminism suddenly seem much more appealing.....