Advice Part 107- "Wow, you look just like the guy from......"

Aah, celebrity. If, as Andy Warhol says, we are all going to be famous for 15 minutes, then surely a person who resembles a whole bunch of already "famous" (I use the word loosely) people could be said to be "livin' the life", right? Such a person could enjoy the perks of fame without having done anything notable themselves! Think: great tables in exclusive restaurants. Hire cars. Loads of fawning minions.

Aah, if only. 

In fact, looking like a celebrity when you are not one is a pain in the rear end. 

Hence, my advice to young players is that if you meet someone who looks like a "celebrity", and you decide to alert them to said resemblance, please be aware that they have a) probably heard it a few times before, and b) may not be 100% delighted with your suggestion.

How do I know this? Read on.

Two and a bit years ago (eek!), I began seeing a man who has an appearance which I would describe as "a bit different." He has long, curly, black hair (with strange green and red streaks), glasses with fluoro green and white frames, a liking for T-shirts with unusual pictures on the front, and an omnipresent skateboard. 

I had never met anyone who looked even remotely like him. But clearly, I was in the minority.... 

Most weeks (and sometimes multiple times in the same week), we will be at the shops/at a cafe/at the train station, and my unfortunate male companion will be approached by a random member of the public who wants to tell him he looks JUST LIKE a particular celebrity. 

More often than not, said celebrity is Redfoo. This does not go down well, because, after all, who wants to be told they are the long lost twin of a man who is famous for dancing around in shiny silver undies singing that he's "sexy and (he) know(s) it", and whose musical skills appear to be minimal?

But lately, a few more doppelgängers have been added to the mix. In the past month, he has been told he looks like:

a) "The guy from Slayer" (Tom Araya). 

b) "The guy from Soundgarden"(Kim Thayil)

c) Pro-skater Sammy Baca

d) Damien Marley (son of Bob)

e) Cat Stevens (OK, so this is my suggestion)

OK, so I can kind of understand that he does look A BIT like some of these men, but I'd hardly say the resemblance is overwhelming. The resemblance between myself and (insert name of exceptionally intelligent, witty and attractive person here), though, is a completely different matter.... ;-)

 

Advice Part 88- On being depressed....

Aah, yes. This is a difficult one.

I figured it was about time to update my blog, which has been distinctly lacking in posts for the past few weeks, but, to be honest, I have very little urge to do so because I have (yet again) fallen into a depressive hole/been visited by the Black Dog (thank you, Winston Churchill)/taken to my bed/whatever other euphemisms you wish to use for feeling rather "under the weather". So to speak.

But, ever the model citizen, I have decided to turn my bad experience into advice for others! (my generosity knows no bounds today!)

That being said, my advice for young players is that if you are depressed, it is NOT YOUR FAULT! And there is ABSOLUTELY no shame in admitting that you are depressed. Why do I say this? Read on.....

If I think about things honestly, I have probably suffered depression in some form or another for most of my life. As a child, I was never exactly full of verve and vim (to the brim or otherwise), and I would say, in retrospect, that I was more than likely clinically depressed throughout the vast majority of my teenage years.

However, it wasn't until I enrolled in uni that I decided to see a counsellor about my general dissatisfaction. She asked me to fill in a Depression Scale, and I scored in the top 5% of depressed entities (amusingly, this is the highest score I have received on any test- as Charlie Sheen would say, "WINNING!").

So how does it feel being depressed? I'm sure it's different for everyone, but for me it is

• not being able to get out of bed in the morning;
• having absolutely no motivation;
• seeing a week pass at work and realising I've accomplished nothing;
• not caring about eating or drinking (yes, it's true!); 
• pulling out my Leonard Cohen, Elliott Smith, and The Smiths CDs for a bit of "light listening";
• leaving dirty dishes in the sink for days on end;
• getting (even more) short-tempered and snappy than usual; and
• feeling annoyed when my cat jumps on my lap and purrs (poor puss- the travails of feline life in a depressed household).

This is how I feel at the moment.

I went to the doctor yesterday, who advised me to up my dosage of anti-depressants, make some "life changes", and see a therapist. So that's what I've decided to do. Will I recover from this? I would like to. Will it be easy? Probably not, for me or for the people around me who have to suffer these things. Will I have a relapse? Almost certainly. But I can at least hope that it's later, rather than sooner. And that has to be something, right?

Advice Part 87- Why everyone needs a Top 10 Albums List (otherwise known as a pathetic excuse to publish my own)

Perhaps it's just me (and I imagine it probably is), but articles such as this immediately pique my interest. I absolutely love reading subjective lists, by apparent authorities, passionately purporting to be the definitive judgement on the best albums ever released.

I enjoy these lists so much because they invariably make me furiously angry.

"Why ON EARTH did they include THAT?! It's RUBBISH!"; "Four albums by the same artist are not allowed, surely?!" and "Look at the blatant attempt to be cool by including a punk offering amidst the detritus" were some of the reactions I had to the linked list.

Anyway. Enough sniping.

My advice to young players is that regardless of the criticism you are almost certainly bound to receive, NO person should be without a Top 10 Albums List (I sound more and more like the character from High Fidelity by the day- but don't worry, former boyfriends, I will not be revisiting "my desert island, all-time, top-five most memorable breakups").

So, without further ado, here is my own Top 10 albums list....

1) Elliott Smith. Either/Or (1997)

2) Crowded House. Temple of Low Men (1998)

3) Neil Young. Harvest (1972)

4) The Smiths. Strangeways, here we come (1987)

5) Nirvana. MTV Unplugged in New York (1994)

6) Leonard Cohen. Songs of Leonard Cohen (1967)

7) Peter Gabriel (1977)

8) U2. Achtung Baby (1991)

9) R.E.M. Automatic for the People (1992)

10) The Beatles. Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1967)

To be honest, I'm not completely happy with this list. Why?

• The top nine are fine, but I'm really not sure about Sgt Pepper's. It's a good album; I wanted The Beatles there; but sometimes I feel it's a little, err, cheesy.....
• Choosing albums is different to choosing songs. I wanted to put Prince in somewhere, but I like random songs from different albums, not one single album.
• Not including the same artist more than once was DIFFICULT. But if I had, my top ten would have featured five albums by the same person.
• The albums I like the most aren't necessarily the albums I think are "technically" the best. I think OK Computer is a technically amazing record, but I don't love listening to it (sorry, but it's true)
• I wanted to justify why each album is included, but it would have taken me a whole day, so this will have to suffice. But if you're interested in hearing my ravings, always happy to oblige!
• The most recent album on my list is 15 years old. Make of this what you will.

Advice Part 65 - Sexist rap?

I have always considered myself to be something of a “feminist”. Whilst I have stopped short of reading The Female Eunuch, and have yet to burn my bra or stop shaving my legs (sorry, had to chuck in a few clichés there....), I would describe myself as VERY committed to ensuring that women are treated equally to men.

But in the past month or so, I have come to realise that I have a MAJOR problem reconciling my feminist political views with my musical tastes.....

My advice to young players is that it MAY be acceptable to briefly suppress your moral outrage for the sake of a bit of enjoyment. But as soon as the fun is over, get back on your moral high horse lest it gallops away (I am going to wring every last drop out of that image...)

How do I know this? Let me explain....

It may come as a surprise for those of you who know me, but I have a rather unfortunate penchant for a particular "niche kind" of R&B, hip hop, and rap music. 

"A-ha!" you're probably saying. "That's no surprise at all. I bet you like nice, conservative R&B, like Boyz II Men, or Mariah Carey or Rihanna."

But if you thought that, you'd be VERY wrong.

Rather, my predilection is for blantantly sexist and misogynistic music which:

• objectifies women
• features near nude dancers gyrating in the video clips
• is full of lyrics about sex and the singer’s “performance in the sack”

 So, some tracks which I like:

• Gett Off- Prince
• Baby got back- Sir Mix-A-Lot
• Novacane- Frank Ocean (this is a KILLER track!)

 

The strangest thing about this is that there seems to be some sort of positive correlation between the sexism of the lyrics, and the amount I like the song- the more sexist, the more I’ll like it.

What really disturbs me is that if I heard these sort of sentiments expressed anywhere other than in music, I would be absolutely FURIOUS.

But, worst of all, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA why I like this sort of music. It seems to exert some sort of irresistible appeal for me. As soon as a sexist rap track starts playing, I can't resist.

This is one of those times that I wish Dr Freud was still alive, because I'm sure he'd have a field day with this sort of fascination.....

Advice Part 48- Buying concert tickets

So, if you are anything like me, you will sporadically feel the urge to spend an insane amount of money going to see your preferred "artistes" perform. And there's nothing wrong with that. Far from it.

However, my advice to young players is that actually obtaining tickets to said concerts tends to be a torturous process, and that it is best to prepare yourself for hours of frustration.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Last week, I was thrilled to discover that PRINCE will be touring Australia this year. And, naturally, I was keen to go. Yes, I like Prince- laugh all you like, but who can resist a pint-sized gentleman in bizarre attire singing suggestive songs?

Tickets went on sale this morning at 9 a.m.

In the good old days, if you wanted to ensure you got good concert tickets, you would sleep outside the ticket office overnight, ready to storm the counter the second it opened.

But the internet changed all that. And NOT for the better.....

At 8:55a.m. this morning, I jumped online, and prepared to buy my ticket. Easy, right? WRONG!

Because everyone else on the entire planet seemed to have the same idea, the server crashed, and I couldn't get on. Then, when I finally did manage to reach the website, I was put in a "ticket queue" for an interminable time (as I had to wait for other people to Gett Off- ha ha, note song lyric reference?).

When I eventually reached the correct page at 9:45a.m., a second show had just been announced, which meant a new flurry of activity, and the website slowing down even more. Bloody hell.

It was 10a.m. before bought my ticket.

Right up the back.

During this time I had gained another ten grey hairs, further reducing my chances of Prince one day asking me to be his back up dancer (that is a joke, OK).

But let me assure you, when I get to the concert, I'm going to party like it's 1999 (sorry, that was REALLY bad).

Advice Part 34- How to survive Christmas lunch

It being Christmas Day today, and with the late afternoon lull upon me, I decided it may be an opportune time to update my blog with a festive-themed special (I can't be accused of not being topical!).

And what more difficult festive occasion is there than (insert ominous music here).....Christmas lunch?

My advice for young players is that Christmas lunches are events unlike any other, and you should expect typical rules of behaviour to be thrown out the door.....

Case in point. Today, my mum and I went for lunch at my cousin's place. We have been doing this for as long as I can remember, and EVERY year the following happen:

• Someone in the family has either lost or gained A LOT of weight, both of which tend to create an awkward situation. Do you tell the newly thin person that you used to think they were a bit on the large side? And should you acknowledge that someone has put on a bit of weight, or just ignore the proverbial "elephant in the room" situation (pardon the inappropriate figure of speech....oh hell, figure of speech?....I think I should stop there before my puns get any worse)? 

• Somebody brings up the "peanut butter sandwich" story. Again. This story centres around the fact that I ONCE refused to eat my Christmas turkey, and asked for a peanut butter sandwich instead. I was 4 at the time. The story has been told 27 times since.....Groan.

• The Christmas bon bons are rubbish. Every year, my cousin goes to a different place, hoping to FINALLY find some decent crackers. But they are always TERRIBLE. I mean, who really wants a plastic fish which ostensibly tells your fortune? And is it REALLY that hard to find some half-funny (or even a quarter funny?) jokes

• There is a "musical interlude". This is my FAVOURITE part of the day, and consists of my cousin's husband bringing out his melodica and playing a song while their dog howls an accompaniment. Generally after everyone has had a fair bit to drink, and finds a "singing dog" charming.

These sorts of things NEVER happen any other time of year. But I guess that's part of the appeal.....

Advice Part 29- Daggy musical taste

I have loved music for as long as I can recall. But whilst I am an enthusiastic listener, my musical taste could best be described kindly as "eclectic", and not-so-kindly as "absolutely woeful."

Case in point- my first "musical purchase" was a John Farnham single which I bought with money I had received for my sixth birthday.

As if my liking for John Farnham wasn't bad enough in and of itself, I must admit that I STILL HAVE the single in question.

And listen to it. Occasionally.

My musical taste has evolved (somewhat) since then, but I do still have a bit of a liking for some VERY daggy music.

My advice to young players is that liking daggy music is all well and good, but it is best to make sure that said songs are removed from your iPod BEFORE you allow somebody to have a look through your playlists.

 How do I know this? Read on.....

On Sunday night, I was having a conversation with a friend about musical tastes, and the following occurred:

• Him: What sort of music do you like?
• Me (vaguely): Oh, just about everything.....
• Him: Sounds interesting (pause).....Hey, do you mind if I have a look through your iPod?
• Me : What? Err, my iPod? Oh, you don't want to do that!
• Him: Yes, I do. I'm curious to see what's there. 

 

With some reluctance, I handed over the iPod. There was a bit of a pause as he scrolled down the list. Then:

• Him: So, you like the B52s?
• Me (blushing furiously): Ha ha ha! Err, yes.....
• Him: And the Bee Gees?
• Me (wanting to curl up and die): Yep. Them too.
• Him: And look, Billy Joel!
• Me (weeping silently): Yes, Billy Joel
• Him: Oh! But there's the Beastie Boys! I almost missed them.
• Me (frantically): Yes, the Beastie Boys...The others are just there for fun.
• Him: Hmm, right.

Fortunately, he gave up after the "Bs", so he didn't discover Cold Chisel, Kylie Minogue, and Outkast lurking further down the list. Thank God.

But I STILL maintain that "shake it like a Polaroid picture" is an immortal song lyric.

 

Advice Part 27- Heavy metal

Aah, music! The nectar of life! There are few things more enjoyable than going to a gig to hear some music that  "rocks your (proverbial) world."

My advice to young players is that going to hear new musical styles is all well and good. However, it is best to exercise some degree of caution, particularly if the "new styles" you are listening to are the ABSOLUTE opposite of your usual musical tastes......

Case in point. A few weeks ago, I decided to attend a friend's thrash metal gig at a pub in Sydney. And, as we all know, heavy metal is not exactly "my thing." (ha ha, yes, I know- MASSIVE understatement)

Sure, I've heard of Metallica. And Blind Guardian. And the Utopia Record Store. And I am even aware that Dave Mustaine recently released his autobiography (sorry, that's showing off a bit- although Mustaine is probably a bit "mainstream" for true metal aficionados). But that is the COMPLETE limit of my knowledge.

So let's just say I was a bit dubious about what to expect.....

Unsurprisingly, the metal concert was TOTALLY different to any gig I've attended. I have NEVER been to a concert before where:

• you are scanned with a "metal detector" (ho ho ho....) before being allowed in
• the bouncer won't let you take lollies into the pub "in case they contain illegal substances"
• the gig itself is held in a cold underground "bunker"
• the ability to dance, wave your hair around, and play your instrument simultaneously is a prerequisite for band membership
• there is a removal of shirts (and attachment of nipple tassels) at the end of the show.

Much to my own surprise, I quite ENJOYED the theatrics. Although I still think it's unlikely that you'll see me in the front row of metal shows any time soon.....

(Sorry, couldn't resist these pictures.....)