Advice Part 97- Not THAT kind of partner

(Special thanks to Mel and her husband, John, for following my blog and for suggesting this topic!)

For the past four years (eek!), I have been studying Spanish, with VERY limited success. If I'm talking about myself in the present tense, everything's fine and dandy. But as soon as the past or future or other people are involved, I lose it entirely.

However, my advice to young players is that if you want to improve your Spanish, take care with the methods you use, or you may get more than you bargained for. Nudge nudge, say no more, etc etc.

How do I know this? Read on.....

A few weeks ago, when I quit my job, I suddenly had LOADS of free time, which meant I could devote more effort to my Spanish studies (and let's be honest here, I hadn't devoted much effort up until now....).

But what to do?

• Enrol in more classes? No, I'm too broke. 
• Start watching Spanish films? I get too tempted by the subtitles. 
• Read Spanish newspapers online? Boring. 
• Move to Spain and throw myself in there? Two words. If only.

Anyway, I decided that the best thing to do (times being what they are- hello, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead) was to participate in a language exchange with someone from Spain or South America. I've done this four or five times before, and it's been great. You meet up once a week or so, and spend an hour talking in English, an hour in Spanish, and you help the other person with their grammar/pronunciation/vocabulary.

So, I dusted off my old advertisement, added a photo of the Alhambra, and posted it in the Community--> Language Swap section of the (insert name of free Australian classified) website.

And that's when the fun started.

I have no idea why, but my ad seemed to attract a rather, err, "particular" group of respondents. Despite PURPOSEFULLY not using the words "language partner" (that's just asking for trouble) or posting pictures of myself in revealing attire (unlike many of the other advertisers- I'm not joking), most of the replies I seemed to get were from men wanting to meet up for "kinky times."

One asked me to send him my picture, to see if I was "the right type of partner." Another sent a string of suggestive emails, asking if I lived alone and was looking for a "real man."

To make the whole thing more undignified, the sleazy men didn't even speak Spanish!!!!!

I just don't get it. Is "language exchange" some sort of weird euphemism for "sexual services", like "handbag" is a euphemism for "good looking male arm candy"? Was I inadvertently advertising another kind of service? Or are there people out there who are such desperados that they answer any type of ad with a lewd offer, figuring they have nothing to lose?

The mind boggles. And NOT in a good way.

All I can say is, next time I think about advertising for a language partner, I might post my ad in the Adult Fun section of the website. After all, the replies can't be any stranger, can they?

Advice Part 30- Customer "service" to the extreme....

One of the (few) things that I enjoy about shopping at the same small shops EVERY week is that after a while, you get to become familiar with the shop owners. But there is a fine line between a shop keeper being "friendly enough" and being "TOO friendly".....

My advice to young players is that if your shop keeper begins to be a bit too "buddy buddy", it may be time to think about crossing to the dark side, and heading to (dare I say it?) Woolworths instead.

How do I know this? Read on.....

On Friday, as is my routine, I went to the butcher shop to buy my meat for the week. The butcher is, how do I say this politely, "quite a character", and loves nothing more than engaging in a bit of "witty" repartee with the regular customers.

Fine. Nothing wrong with that.

But, on this occassion, things took an inappropriate turn when a lady came into the shop with her three children. The butcher, figuring it was never too early to recruit new customers, promptly grinned and waved at the kids. There was a short pause, and then the boy started wailing, and grabbed onto his mother.

The butcher, realising that he'd stuffed up big time, grabbed a frankfurt from the small goods section, and waved it at the screaming child enticingly. "Look what I have for you, big boy!" he crowed. "I bet you'd like this sausage, right?"

After giving said frankfurt to the child, the butcher promptly looked at me and the mother, gave us a big wink, and said "Oh, but let's not forget the lovely ladies....I bet you'd both like to have a bite of my special sausage, wouldn't you? Come on, girls, there's enough for everyone here! Ho ho ho!"

At this, the woman and I looked at each other in absolute horror, and then muttered some excuses about not wanting his "special sausage."

My. God.

Since when did half a kilo of mince come with "bonus" sleazy come ons and double entendres? Is this a new "service" that the butcher has decided to supply?

Vegetarianism is looking more appealing by the second.