Advice Part 102- Dating Disasters Part 5 (otherwise known as "the date that never happened")

I realised today that it has been a while since I wrote about my dating disasters, as new material has not been forthcoming of late (whether for better or for worse). Hence, this story is being dredged from the very bowels of my collection, amidst the muddy, rotting detritus of awkward situations that I would prefer not to revisit with any regularity.....

But, that being said, I think it provides some useful advice to young players that if someone advises you NOT to approach a potential partner, it is often a good idea to take this warning seriously.

How do I know this? Read on.....

A few years ago, I was desperate. I am not ashamed to say this now, but it was a most grim time. My eyes were constantly open, seeking opportunities, and I thought I had hit the proverbial jackpot when my neighbour told me she was moving out, and she would be renting her apartment to her cousin.

The following conversation ensued:

• Me: So....Is your cousin a man or a lady?
• Her: A man
• Me: And how old is he? (subtlety was never my strong point)
• Her: 28. Around your age.
• Me (unable to believe my good fortune): And he's married?
• Her: No.
• Me (getting more and more excited): Single, then?
• Her: I'm not sure.
• Me: That's great! I can't wait to meet him! (Hell, relating this story now, I cringe at my level of desperation)
• Her (big pause): He's not the man for you.
• Me: Oh. Right. Fair enough, then. Umm.....

To be honest, I was a bit shocked by this. "Not the man for you"? What on earth did THAT mean? How did my neighbour know what sort of men were or weren't for me? I like to think of myself as very open-minded. Perhaps this guy was JUST the man for me! Or didn't she think I was good enough for him? That was a bit offensive. Or did he have some particular predilection for women of a certain "type" (e.g. blonde hair, Asian background) so that she knew in advance that he wouldn't have any interest in me?

My mind considered all possibilities, and, like a child who has been told that no, that sweet is "not the one for you", I became more and more determined to meet this elusive cousin.

But the day he arrived, I realised that she was right. He was NOT the man for me. Because not only was he in a relationship, but his partner was another guy.

Strangely enough, I was absolutely DELIGHTED by this discovery! There wasn't anything "wrong" with me, that made me an unsuitable dating prospect for the cousin. Rather, he was "not the man for me" because I was not a man for him, if that makes sense.

And I think that's a good thing.

Advice Part 67- Dating Disasters Part 4 (the original Dating Disaster)

I realised today that I haven't written a "Dating Disasters" themed blog for a while. And why may that be?

• Because I am no longer single? Ha ha. Funny. VERY funny.
• Because I am now so well-versed in avoiding dating disasters that every date I go on is a rip-roaring success? No. Please try again.

The answer is that I don't have any new dating disaster stories to impart because I, umm, haven't been on ANY dates (good, bad or indifferent) for at least 6 months.

I think we'll let that one go through to the proverbial keeper without comment.

But my advice to young players is that starting at the very beginning (which is, as The Sound of Music would tell us, "a very good place to start") can sometimes provide you with valuable insights about what is happening at the moment.

How do I know this? Read on.....

I had what could best be described as a somewhat delayed adolescence. In fact, it wasn't until I was (wait for it) 23 YEARS OLD that I first went on what could be described as a "date " (and those inverted commas are more important than you may think.....).

Dear god, this is SO SAD.

Anyway. Leaving that aside, my "first date" was one of those "is it or isn't it?" situations which seem to have plagued me EVER SINCE. To give a bit of background, I met the object of my ill-considered affections at uni, and, after some heavy-duty emailing, he suggested we "meet up for a coffee." Which turned into dinner and drinks.

All went well. Or so I thought, given my distinct lack of dating experience. Conversation was easy, there was some mild flirtation, discussion about single status, and the date lasted for 5 hours.

And when I got home and checked my email, I was delighted to find a message from the man in question, saying he had had a fantastic evening, was thinking of me in the car on the way home, and wanted to "catch up again really soon."

I took this as a good sign.

BUT (and there's ALWAYS a "but....").....

The next morning, another email arrived in my box. Written in the cold light of day, my previously ardent suitor "wanted to clarify what (I) thought last night was." He believed it was "a friendly meeting, not a date", and "didn't want (me) to get the wrong impression from (his) very friendly behaviour."

What the HELL?!


I wish I could say that I am now a maestro at avoiding such ambiguous situations. But, unfortunately, I am still absolutely RUBBISH at this sort of stuff. And I wouldn't mind betting that I'll still be engaging in such "friendly meetings" when I'm well into my 80s.

Advice Part 38- Yes, you can be TOO interested

So, yet another story for the "unsuitable dates" file.....

But, in contrast to previous episodes, today's instalment DOES NOT centre around a man who was not interested enough. Rather, it concerns a man who was TOO interested.

My advice to young players is that if you like a person, it is generally advisable to show them that yes, you are interested, but that it is prudent to exercise at least SOME restraint in your pursuit.

How do I know this? Read on......

A few weeks ago, on the way home from a night out, I happened to meet a man. We got chatting, and he seemed nice enough. When he asked for my number, I gave it to him, not really expecting him to call.

Foolish, foolish me.

The next day, I headed off to the movies, and put my phone on silent. When I emerged from the cinema 2 hours later, I checked my mobile, and found that I had (wait for it) 10 missed calls.

All from this guy.

My god.

This disturbed me. What sort of crazy person calls 10 times in the space of 2 hours????!!!! And if he was so desperate to speak to me, why on earth didn't he do what any sane person would, and leave me a message? I decided then and there that I would NOT be calling him back, as his behaviour was rather frightening and obsessive......

He called another 5 times that day.

And 3 more times the next.

I didn't answer.

Finally, by Day 4, he seemed to have got the message that I wasn't going to pick up the phone and stopped calling. He hasn't called me since. Thank god.

All I can say is that meeting a man who doesn't call AT ALL looked very tempting in comparison.....

Advice Part 35- Dating Disasters (Episode 3)

Last week's "Find me a date" post was a bit random....But I'm pleased to say that it did have the desired effect of raising interesting dating possibilities. And that, after all, was the aim!

But let's not forget that the "Find me a date"- a-thon was prompted by a particularly negative incident on the so called dating merry-go-round (or "not so merry-go-round", in this case)

Still, I think I can offer some advice from this latest dating disaster, namely, if you are going to date MULTIPLE people at once (which I DO NOT recommend), it is generally prudent to take ALL STEPS not to get caught out....

So, here we go....

On Boxing Day, Hispano-phile that I am, I decided to wander down to Circular Quay to watch the new Almodóvar film. After watching said movie, I headed back to the train station.

I was idly glancing around (as you do), when I noticed a familiar looking bag go past. "Gee, that looks like Mr X's bag" I mused to myself (Mr X being the "gentleman" I had "being seeing" for the past month or so, and who had told me he was "busy" doing "family things" over the Christmas period (this sentence must set some sort of record for the most sets of inverted commas.....)).

Then I took a closer look: "Gee, that IS Mr X!"

I took an even closer look: "He's with a woman. Interesting. Maybe it's his sister?" (naïve, yes)

I took my closest look ever: "Oh, he's PUTTING HIS ARM AROUND THE WOMAN'S WAIST!!!! It's NOT his sister."

Classy.

I was (how do I say this politely?) ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS! So I promptly sent Mr X a message, saying that I had seen him at Circular Quay with another woman, and that I didn't want to hear from him again.

Needless to say, I haven't. But I can REALLY recommend the Almodóvar film. And that, at least, is something.

Competition!!!!!- Find me a (decent) date....

As readers of this blog know, my love life (or lack thereof) is a veritable disaster.

And things seem to have hit a REAL low now, after catching the guy I was seeing out with another woman (but I'll leave those sordid details for another post.....)

In an effort to save myself from any more, err, "mistakes", I've decided to try a new approach.

Empirical studies have shown that a lot of successful relationships start when the couple are introduced by mutual friends. So now we reach the fun part.....

I've decided to have a little contest. 

YOUR MISSION (should you choose to accept it): To find me a decent guy. This could be a friend, older brother, younger brother, distant cousin, eternally single co-worker, random man you chat to on the bus, or even yourself. Someone you know, trust, and like.

THE CRITERIA: I'm not too fussy, but I am looking for someone who is male, is over 25, is smart, interesting and funny, is able to hold a decent conversation, likes reading/movies/wine/coffee, who ISN'T married or in a relationship with someone else, and who is fundamentally kind, honest and treats me well. As most people reading this will be my friends, you know what I'm like, and I think you can probably make a pretty good judgement as to what kind of person I'd go for.

HOW THIS WORKS: If you think you know someone who meets the criteria, FANTASTIC! Let me know a bit about them, and I'll pass you my details. I also have an email contact form on the base of this page.

THE PRIZE: Anyone who makes a good suggestion will be rewarded with a prize! (I'm thinking of a bottle of wine, a book, or a cake of your choice cooked by me (I'm actually quite a good cook), but I'm open to suggestions!)

Your time starts....NOW!

Advice Part 28- Making yourself more attractive.....

Confession- I have a guilty fascination for trashy magazines..... In fact, I almost ENJOY waiting at the doctors' surgery, as it gives me an excuse to read such "insightful" material, which I would NEVER, ever buy myself. 

Consequently, I am well acquainted with the variety of recommendations on "upping your sex appeal", "improving your bangin' bikini body" and "making yourself too hot to resist."

But my advice to young players is that all these recommendations will be TOTALLY useless if you forget the most basic laws of personal hygiene. 

How do I know this? Read on....

A few weekends ago, my friend and I decided to go to karaoke. All was well and good- we had a few drinks, sang a couple of songs, and were having a nice night.

Until I had the misfortune to attract the attention of one of the male patrons.

As those who know me could attest, this sort of thing DOES NOT happen regularly. In fact, I could count on one FINGER the number of times a man has approached me......

But my initial excitement quickly turned to horror, because as soon as the gentleman in question came near me, my nostrils were assailed by a veritable wave of body odour. It was just ghastly..... He smelt like he had run a marathon, and then come straight to the pub.

As you do.

Consequently, I couldn't listen to a word he was saying, because I was so busy trying to avert my nose. As were all the other patrons within a hundred metre radius of us.

Needless to say, I politely refused his offer of a date. But I did feel a bit sorry for the poor guy, as he may not have realised he had a problem.

If anyone has any SUBTLE hints for how to tell people they need "a bit more deodorant", I'd be happy to hear! Otherwise, I will be donning my gas mask on future visits to the pub.....

Advice Part 23- Dating a particular "type"

One thing which has ALWAYS puzzled me is the realisation that a lot of people tend to habitually go out with a particular "type" of partner.

Their current partner looks just like their former partner, who looks just like the person they went out with before that. And you can bet your bottom dollar that if their current relationship breaks up, it is likely that their new paramour will be a mirror image of the person they are with at the moment.....

My advice to young players is that if you are in this group, and have a particular "type", it is probably a good idea to expand your horizons (at least every now and again!)

How do I know this? Because I, unfortunately, am in the "type" group.

For some BIZARRE reason (and I quite literally have NO IDEA why), I tend have a strange fascination for men with:

• Brown hair
• Brown eyes
• Glasses

(Laugh all you like, but yes, I do think Greg Combet is attractive....)

This concerns me, because I don't like to think of myself as being shallow or appearance focused. But I do find that I am naturally drawn towards men who look like this.....(Although, let me just add, I very often change my evaluation of people after speaking to them- so never fear!)

And I don't think I'm the only one with such preferences. I have a friend who likes men with red hair. And my uncle's last three girlfriends were virtually identical.

All I can say is that I hope not everyone has a "type", as I think it is VERY unlikely that anyone's "type" is going to be women with short frizzy hair and glasses!

Advice Part 18- Dating Disasters (Episode 2)

Aah, the series of "dating disasters" continues....And, like Masterchef, it gets more dramatic by the day (ha ha ha!)

But unlike Episode 1 (see Advice Part 7 ), this date turned into a disaster because of me.....

My advice to young players is- if you are on a date, and speak a second language VERY poorly, DO NOT use the date as an opportunity to practice your skills. Unless your aim is for the date to finish VERY quickly.....

Case in point. I have been learning Spanish for around a year now, and despite my best attempts, I am still struggling to get past "Hola" (Hello) and "Necesito comprar un caballo para esta noche, por favor" (I need to buy a horse for tonight, please- apparently, this phrase is very useful in Peru. Hmmm).

Anyway, a few months ago, I went out with a guy who had lived in South America for a year, and could speak Spanish fluently. The evening seemed to be going well (i.e. he hadn't beat a hasty escape through the toilet window), and so, after (more than) a few drinks, I decided to "impress him" with my fantastic knowledge of español.

 STUPID, STUPID idea! 


Wanting to be creative, I decided to branch out from "Hola", and instead tell him that I thought he was very tidy.

Sounds easy, right? Err, wrong....


See, in my Spanish class, we typically practice our words in pairs. The teacher says "blanco" (white), and we say "negro" (black). Teacher says "gordo" (fat), we say "delgado" (thin). You can probably guess where this story is heading.....


I attempted to tell said gentleman "You are very clean", and I instead said "You are very dirty." He looked a bit shocked, and said "muy sucio?" (very dirty?). "Si, muy, muy sucio!" (Yes, very, very dirty!), I exclaimed enthusiastically.

Needless to say, when I realised my error (2 days later), I was MORTIFIED. Still, at least I didn't try and cover my mistake by telling him I was "embarazada" (pregnant)

Advice Part 16- Are they "interested"?

Confession- I am ABSOLUTELY incapable of telling whether someone is "interested" in me or not. And by "interested", I mean in a romantic/sexual/"more than just friends" way....

In recent years, my (already paltry) skills in the "interest identifying area" have well and truly vanished. I honestly believe that someone could come up to me with a big flashing sign on their head emblazoned with "I am SO INTERESTED in YOU!!!" and I STILL wouldn't know.


My advice for young players is to practice your skills in this area. Or else you may end up like me, and be permanently unable to tell if someone is "sending signals" or not.....

Things reached a particularly low point recently (and I'm not saying HOW recently) when I was at a function with my parents (yes, I know- please refrain from commenting), and I was approached by an attractive guy. We had a bit of a conversation, and things seemed to go well. I thought nothing of it, though.

But in the car on the way back to the station, BOTH my parents started laughing uproariously about how I had been "picked up." "What on EARTH are you talking about?" I exclaimed. "I wasn't trying to pick him up!" "Ha ha ha, YOU weren't, but HE was!" my mum guffawed. "Yes, I saw that, too" said my dad (who is not exactly noted for his acute powers of observation).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it turns out he WAS interested. But I NEVER would have guessed if it wasn't for my parents.

Now I'm thinking of asking Mum and Dad along every time I'm not too sure of the "interest level." After all, it may improve my rates of success.....

Or not.
 

Advice Part 11- Dating age differences

When is someone "too young" or "too old" to be seriously considered as a dating prospect? This is a question which has bothered me for AGES (ha ha ha, notice the pun?)

Guilty admission from myself- I have only ever gone out with people younger than me. I have no idea why, but would like to think it is due to my exceptionally youthful exterior, rather than my immaturity.

Hmm.

But how young is "too young"? Or "too old"? When do you cross the line from "a bit of an age difference" into "downright sleazy" territory? What advice can be given to all the young players?

One commonly cited "rule" is to halve your age, and add 7, and anything below that is "not appropriate". So for me, "too young" is 22, "too old" is 46. Initially, this seemed kind of plausible. But when I thought about it, some of the implications were decidedly disturbing.....


If I dated a 22 year old

• I would have been in Year 12 while they were in Year 6 (which means I could have taken them to my Year 12 formal- and probably been arrested)

• I would have been finishing uni when they had just started high school (just imagine the scene at my graduation ceremony....)

If I dated a 46 year old

• They would have finished Year 12 when I was still learning how to walk (I guess they could have taken me to the formal in my pram....)

• I would not have even been in kindergarten when they were having their 21st (no alcohol for me at that party, then!)

Is it just me, or is this somewhat, err, worrying?

Advice Part 7- Dating disasters (Episode 1)

Bad dates. Where to start?

I'm sure everyone has been on a few in their time. Or is it just me?

My advice for young players is that if you are picking up "warning signs" that your date may not be going all that well, it's best to cut your losses, and conclude said meeting ASAP.

Preferably whilst you still have SOME self-respect left.

My worst ever date (so far!) was with a guy I met at a costume party. I gave him my number at the end of the night, and he contacted me 2 days later, suggesting we meet up for a drink.

Promising. VERY promising.

But I ignored

• Warning Sign 1- his disclosure that "he had a lot on his plate and his mind at the moment" AND
• Warning Sign 2- the fact that I didn't even recognise him at the pub, because he wasn't in fancy dress (yes, it gets worse than this, though.....) AND
• Warning Sign 3- his disclosure that his mum had been married five times (although I guess the fact that she hadn't exceeded Elizabeth Taylor's tally was one thing in her favour....)

But I DID pick up

• Warning Sign 4 (although this wasn't a warning sign, so much as an emergency alert)- his declaration that he was "actually seeing someone at the moment", but not to worry, as he wanted to invite me to be his OFFICIAL BACK-UP OPTION.

My. God.

And, to make matters worse, he thought I may be SERIOUSLY tempted to be his " official second choice" girlfriend (I wonder if he had a few "unofficial" back-ups, too?).

The date ended soon after. VERY soon after.

Advice Part 5- Coffee "dates"

An invitation to coffee....it seems innocent, right? Err, no....

My advice for all the single young players out there is that BEFORE you agree to meet up with someone for coffee, make sure that their definition of "meeting for coffee" is the same as your definition.....

When I invite someone to meet up for coffee, what this means is:

• I like the person's company
• I would like to engage in further conversation with them
• I think it would be a nice idea to share such a conversation over a hot beverage.

However, I have come to discover that some people interpret "meeting up for coffee" as meaning:

• I fancy the person
• I want to go on a date with them
• I am too shy to simply invite them back to my place, so asking them out for a coffee is my idea of a "come on"

Case in point. Last year, I was attending a seminar at work, and I began chatting to a 50-something man in the break. He seemed nice, and so I vaguely suggested we meet up for coffee sometime.

BIG mistake.

He obviously believed that I fancied the pants off him, and sent me an email asking me to the opera, and inquiring if we could "take our relationship to the next level."

Our RELATIONSHIP?!

The NEXT level?!

And the OPERA?!

I don't know which of these three things horrified me the most, to be honest.

There followed a very awkward email in which I informed him that I was NOT interested in a relationship with him, and that I had just wanted a coffee.

In future, I shall be drinking my caffeinated beverages ALONE.