Advice Part 95- A visit to the vet

For the past four years, I have shared my apartment with my animal companion (fancy name for "cat"), Polly. Most of the time, we get along very well, but once in a while, our harmonious existence is disturbed by a visit to that most dreaded of entities.

The vet.

(The above picture in no way represents my cat's experience at the vet- that picture is the stuff of feline FANTASY)

With five such trips under my proverbial belt, I feel suitably qualified to offer some advice to young players on surviving this most monstrous of excursions. And so I have combined a list of handy hints below, which I hope will be useful if you ever have to venture to the animal doctor.

1. Surprise is the essence. Do not let your animal companion twig as to what fun you have in store for them until you are just about ready to go, and you commence your trapping attempt.
2. Don your protective gear. No piece of exposed skin is safe from the ferocious claws of the screeching banshee. I foolishly believed that my neck was out of reach, but I now have a Texas Chainsaw Massacre style scratch across my throat to show for my complacency. 
   
3. Prepare your container in advance. Polly is more than happy to stick her nose into any empty box I have lying around my apartment, but as soon as I try and put her into the dreaded cat box, she fights like a demon. From trial and error, I know that the best move is to put her in feet first.
4. Do not be fooled by the plaintive cries.Your animal companion is unlikely to be well pleased when contained in the box, and may emit pitiful cries. At VERY loud volume. Do not be tricked by this! It is a clever ruse to obtain freedom, and, should you unleash the beast, you will not be able to capture it again. 
   
5. If you don't have a car, getting your fiesty furry friend to the vet surgery is an added piece of excitement. For me, this involves carrying said shrieking feline through the main street of my suburb.
6. When walking through along the main street with your unwilling animal companion, you may receive "helpful" comments from the local denizens. Sample: "Ooh, you have a cat in the box!" (No, really? I would never have guessed. Or to use a more earthy expression, "No s*%t, Sherlock!"); "She doesn't sound very happy in there!" (Yes, I am fully aware of that, but if nosey parkers like you would mind your own business, perhaps I'd be able to get her to the vet faster and she would shut up!!!).
7. Waiting at the vet surgery to be seen can be a further feat of endurance if you are sharing the waiting room with a 54kg Newfoundland dog (which may be mistaken as a bear) and a squarking parrot.
   
8. By the time you finally get in to see the vet, both you and your animal companion are likely to be nervous wrecks and completely shellshocked. The unceremonious poking and prodding seems positively benign, considering the rigmarole involved in getting to the surgery.
9. Then the vet will produce the bill, and you will find yourself hundreds, or, more probably, thousands, of dollars poorer.

Still, at least I know that I will never be tempted to become a Crazy Cat Lady, living with multiple cats. If I have this much trouble taking one to the vet, imagine how I'd go with five!

Advice Part 94- The career abyss (and finding a ladder out)

Of late, I have been experiencing what could best be described as "a bit of a career crisis." I have realised that I am not very satisfied with my job (there's the understatement of the millennium, but as we all know, I am now keeping my posts "friendly and upbeat" to avoid being told that I need to seek "urgent professional psychiatric assistance"- sorry, couldn't resist the snide comment), and that I don't want to spend the rest of my working life (a period which is looking like extending to the age of 70) getting up every morning and hating what I do.

Ugh.

In an effort to extricate myself from this situation, and actually find something I enjoy (!!!!), I decided to seek some help. This has been a most enlightening process, but my advice to young players is that in seeking such assistance, you might end up feeling even more confused than before.....

So, who did I ask for advice in escaping the career morass? And what did they say? Thank you for inquiring. I couldn't have thought up better questions myself (gee, funny that....).

Here's the answers.....

• Professional Careers Advisor. 

Approach: Spoke to me on the phone, got me to complete a questionnaire on the internet, and then met with me in person.
Recommendation: Community psychologist, organisational psychologist, teacher, or university lecturer. Definitely not clinical psychologist.
Cost: $170. And these were his "mates' rates"

• Myers-Briggs Type Test. 

Approach: An online psychology questionnaire, which purports to ascertain your personality "type", and makes career recommendations based on that. My type is INTJ. 
Recommendation: scientist, lawyer, or "areas requiring intensive intellectual efforts, presenting intellectual challenge, and creative approach." 
Cost: Free

• Psychologist. 

Approach: Typical counselling session. I've seen the same counsellor since I was in university, so he knows me pretty well. I have a lot of time for him and his advice (other USyd PhD graduates, you probably know the counsellor I mean, as it seems that pretty much everyone at USyd went to him when doing their PhD!)
Recommendation: Not clinical psychologist, not opening a bar (I lack the "street smarts"). Maybe being an English teacher overseas.
Cost: $100

• Facebook friends poll

Approach: Asking a general question on FB about what I should do, and letting people answer
Recommendation: Counsellor or writer.
Cost: Free

• Psychic Photo Reading (No, this is not a joke!!!! The photo reader is a good friend so please don't say anything unkind :-) )

Approach: I had to take along a photo of myself as a child, and the psychic photo reader asked me a number of questions about the picture and what I was feeling
Recommendation: Writer.
Cost: Free

So, there you have it. I don't know if I'm any closer to finding my way out of the career hole, but it's certainly been an interesting experiment. 

By the way, did you know that there is actually such a job as a Professional Owl Handler?!

Advice Part 93- "Just a little taste"

I am the first to admit that I MAY have a few flaws in my character. Well, more than a few. "An absolute mountain" would be a more accurate description of the number of annoying little quirks I possess. Some of which are more troubling than others.

But, in the interest of brevity (and the interest of interest, too), today I have chosen to focus on one fault in particular.

My advice to young players is that if you are dining out with me as your companion, it is best to keep a VERY close eye on your food. Or to order a VERY large portion.

Let me explain.....

I am one of those people who is almost always on a diet. My weight tends to fluctuate wildly, and I veer from periods of relative thinness to states of what could euphemistically be described as "portliness", where the so-called saddlebags on my thighs could keep Don Quixote fed and watered for the duration of his adventures.

But enough self-hate. For the moment.

When I'm on a "diet", I take great delight in piously ordering healthy lunches. Just a fruit salad for me. With a bottle of water. And if I'm really lashing out, I might even have some yoghurt! Or perhaps a salad sandwich!

!!!!!

Whilst this sort of order satisfies my pious urges, it tends not to satisfy the appetite. Whose urges are significantly stronger, as I have discovered.

Hence, in my deprivation, I have developed a rather unattractive habit of stealing my dining companions' food, under the pretext of having "just a little taste." Are they wedges on your plate? You don't mind if I take a few, do you? And ooh, that hamburger smells DELICIOUS! What's the sauce like? I can have a try? Why, thank you! What a shame that you're feeling full, and can't finish that (insert name of flagrantly unhealthy and fattening food here). I hate to see things go to waste, so I'll just have a few bites. If you don't mind, of course....

I like to think of myself as a modern day "food taster", trying out the food to make sure it's not poisoned before the buyer eats it. Look, I'm providing a service here!

I am fortunate in that most of my regular dining companions are aware of my nasty food thieving habit, and order in the knowledge that I am probably going to "contribute" to the eating of their meal. This is JUST the way I like it. And naturally, I am MORE than happy to share my limp and limpid lettuce leaves in return, although, truth be told, I haven't had too many requests.

If anyone is interested, hot chips are my favourite.

Advice Part 92- The perfect (office) companion?

There has been a bit of a lack of advice of late, hasn't there? But, as the cliche goes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder", so hopefully this extended hiatus has left you perched on the edge of your seat, quivering with enthusiasm now that there is a new post!!!

Or perhaps not.

Anyway, let us begin.....

---

In three weeks, I am going to be unemployed. My contract is coming to an end, and, "times being what they are....indifferent" (to quote Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead), I don't have another job. This parlous situation means that I may have to consider either becoming a bus driver (don't laugh- I am actually seriously thinking about it) or temping.

Oh dear.

However, if there is one thing I've learnt over these past two years, it's that you should NEVER underestimate the importance of your office companion. And my advice to young players is that some will DEFINITELY be better than others....

Read on....

When I started my job, I was very excited to get my OWN OFFICE for the first time ever! But, due to a) a considerable absence of space, and b) my level of unimportance, it was soon decided that it would be good for me to share.

OK. I don't necessarily have a problem with that....

Most of the four different people who've shared the office have been on short term projects, so they've never stayed very long. But I can honestly say that I have MUCH preferred some to others, and so I've got a little list (to steal from The Mikado- note MULTIPLE literary references to give the pretence that I'm cultured!) of what makes a good office sharing companion (and yes, it's highly subjective).

• They talk to you about themselves. Maybe it's just me, but I WANT to know what someone does after work, what their partner is like, what they enjoy eating. There is nothing more dismal than trying to make a bit of small talk when you arrive in the morning, and the person exhibits as much life as a hibernating hedgehog (in fact, in one instance, I think the hedgehog would have been more lively....)

• That being said, there is a fine line between talking a bit and talking too much. No, I don't want to hear a blow-by-blow, scene-by-scene, line-by-line account of the new action film you saw on the weekend which holds precisely zero interest for me.
• They don't have loud, inane phone conversations to their partner/dog/baby all day. And yes, I have heard the back end of all three of these categories. The middle was the most sensible.
• They don't eat their stinky lunch at their desk. Friendly advice- not everyone loves sardines or their fetid odour. Fancy that!

• They have similar views about whether the light should be on/the fan on/the window open/the blinds shut. Divergent opinions can be a source of WAR.
• There is at least part of the day where you have the office to yourself. Even if it's for 10 minutes. (Random question- am I the only person who actually takes lunch outside the office nowadays?!)

I wonder what my office companions have thought of me sometimes. And I'm sure their evaluations would not be pretty, either....

Advice Part 91- My "personal style" tips

As someone whose "personal style" (note use of inverted commas there.....) could be described kindly as "functional", it always amuses me to read articles about how to look your best. 

I never cease to marvel at tales of people who are not only willing, but actually HAPPY, to spend great swathes of time searching for "cute summer beachwear" or "the new linen pant" (Expert question- why is it always "pant" and not "pants"? I cannot understand this AT ALL!), or giving advice on how to "effortlessly mix and match" or "to segue seamlessly from the office to the bar."

Ho hum.

My advice to young players is that fashion is all well and good. If it floats your proverbial boat, go ahead and knock yourself out (hello, bad cliches!). But if, like me, your interest in the sartorial is minimal, these beginners' tips may be of some assistance.

1. When selecting an outfit for the day, the best thing to do is open your wardrobe door, and see what is clean. Clean = top of the list.

2. However, if, like me, laundry is not your thing, and you prefer to "recycle" your clothes a few times before you wash them, it's generally a good idea to check that a) there's no visible stains, and b) the smell isn't TOO bad, before taking the clothes out for an encore performance.

3. It's also advisable NOT to wear the same clothes two days in a row, as people may start to twig that you're recycling your gear (and a good magician NEVER reveals their tricks....)

4. Anyone who says you "need" an iron is exaggerating. I have gone seven years without ironing a single item of clothing. The crumpled look is delightfully refreshing, and will help you distinguish yourself from your smoothly pressed companions. No one wants to be boring, do they?

5. There is nothing wrong with wearing stockings with holes in them, as long as the holes are covered by your skirt/shirt/whatever. If I threw out every pair of stockings which I ladder, I would have a hosiery bill exceeding most people's mortgage. 

6. The same goes for underwear and socks with holes.

7. Comfort should always trump beauty, as I know from once STUPIDLY deciding to walk from the bus stop to a wedding venue in very high, very painful heels.

8. If your pants have unfortunately shrunk in the wash (otherwise known as "you've put on weight"), there is NO SHAME in leaving your top button undone, provided, of course, that said button is carefully concealed.

Hopefully this list will provide you with some ideas on how to maintain a stylish facade. And, as ever, I am keen to hear your views. Don't be shy :-)

Advice Part 90- On being mistaken for a "dude"

Aah, yes. This is going to be a somewhat embarrassing post to write, but what the hell, it's the new year, so I might as well start it off with a bit of self-flagellation.....

I have never been what you would describe as a "girly girl" (if such a creature does in fact exist, and is not an invention of the patriarchy- but that's a thesis topic there). I remember as a child, my valiant Grandma tried to encourage me to be more "feminine" by giving me Barbie dolls, and suggesting I style their hair. But even then, it was a lost cause- I took greater joy in decapitating the unfortunate dolls and drawing gangster tattoos on their headless plastic corpses.

Moving right along.....

In recent years, my lack of stereotypical femininity has led to some rather, err, interesting situations where I have been mistaken for a "dude", as my boyfriend puts it (and yes, before you ask, he and I have been treated as a gay couple when we've been out together! The fun NEVER stops here!).

Hence, my advice for young players is that IF you are unsure whether someone is male or female, it is better to keep your mouth shut, rather than risk making a fool of both yourself and the person in question. 

Read on.....

Last year, I went into a store which sells both male and female attire. I was clad in my typical weekend wear of jeans, trainers, T-shirt and backpack. I was soon approached by a sales assistant, and the following conversation ensued.....

• Sales person: Hey there! How are you today? Can I help you with anything?
• Me (looking in the women's section): Aah, no, not really, just having a look.
• Sales person: And are you shopping for yourself today?
• Me: Yes. Yes, I am. 
• Sales person: Great! Well, the men's section is just over there on the right.
• Me: Err.....I ummm......Err........I'm not a guy.
• Sales person (going bright red): Umm, oops! Sorry! My mistake! Ha ha ha! 

Needless to say, I didn't buy anything from THAT store.

If this was a once off, I'd have happily dismissed it. Maybe the sales person needed new glasses? But, unfortunately, it is not a rare occurance.....

• I have been directed to the male toilets by restaurant staff. 
• I have been asked "whether sir would like the fish or the chicken?" 
• And I remember on one particular long haul flight being addressed REPEATEDLY as a man despite pointing out to the flight attendant that I was actually female.

What on earth is wrong with these people?! I'm not THAT masculine! I have breasts! I have hips! I have a female voice! For goodness sake, it's not that hard to work out that I'm a woman!

And no, sir will NOT be wanting the chicken......

Advice Part 89- The joys of complaining

In recent weeks, I have not been feeling my best, and, in an effort to improve my mood, I have decided to spend more time doing the things I like. And top of that list is complaining (yes, I understand that this probably isn't the first thing that people commonly think of as a "fun" activity, but bear with me....).

My advice to young players is that if something is annoying the hell out of you, then you should really consider making a complaint. But remember, complaining is a SERIOUS business, which needs to be done with aplomb and justified outrage; it is not be be attempted lightly or frivolously. 

How do I know this? Read on.....

I have always been someone who has a tendency to be, how shall I say it, "a bit negative". But for most of my existence, I have not made a fuss when things have gone badly, or when I feel that there is something wrong. However, earlier this year, for some unknown reason, a switch must have flicked in my brain, and I decided to start complaining when I feel I have a legitimate cause. 

This was a revelation for me. I realised that I actually ENJOY complaining and am quite good at it, if receiving apologetic answers is a mark of success. (I just realised that sounds REALLY arrogant- that's definitely not the tone I intended!)

In the past week, I have complained to the following organisations:

•  My local council, because someone has dumped a big bag of junk outside my apartment block, and I want it cleaned up;

• The Opera House, for insisting my mum cloak her handbag at an event we attended, whilst men with bigger backpacks were allowed to take theirs in with them (I even squeezed in a two-for-one "bonus complaint" with this one, because in the drop down list of titles on the complaint form, they did not have "Dr", and so I decided to whinge about that, too. SHAZAM!);

• The bus company, for changing the timetable so that the bus leaves at EXACTLY the same time the train arrives, meaning that you always miss the bus, and have to wait 30 minutes for the next one;

• The pathology lab, for not rostering enough staff on during morning peak time, resulting in a TWO HOUR WAIT for a simple blood test.

And it's only Thursday, so there's plenty more scope for complaints to come!

Sometimes I do worry about the fact that I get considerable enjoyment from penning outraged letters about issues that other people may consider to be petty. But I like to think of myself as providing a community service to businesses, by letting them know how they can improve. Although I will admit that those I complain to may not see it that way..... But if they're annoyed, they can always make their own complaint.