Advice Part 91- My "personal style" tips

As someone whose "personal style" (note use of inverted commas there.....) could be described kindly as "functional", it always amuses me to read articles about how to look your best. 

I never cease to marvel at tales of people who are not only willing, but actually HAPPY, to spend great swathes of time searching for "cute summer beachwear" or "the new linen pant" (Expert question- why is it always "pant" and not "pants"? I cannot understand this AT ALL!), or giving advice on how to "effortlessly mix and match" or "to segue seamlessly from the office to the bar."

Ho hum.

My advice to young players is that fashion is all well and good. If it floats your proverbial boat, go ahead and knock yourself out (hello, bad cliches!). But if, like me, your interest in the sartorial is minimal, these beginners' tips may be of some assistance.

1. When selecting an outfit for the day, the best thing to do is open your wardrobe door, and see what is clean. Clean = top of the list.

2. However, if, like me, laundry is not your thing, and you prefer to "recycle" your clothes a few times before you wash them, it's generally a good idea to check that a) there's no visible stains, and b) the smell isn't TOO bad, before taking the clothes out for an encore performance.

3. It's also advisable NOT to wear the same clothes two days in a row, as people may start to twig that you're recycling your gear (and a good magician NEVER reveals their tricks....)

4. Anyone who says you "need" an iron is exaggerating. I have gone seven years without ironing a single item of clothing. The crumpled look is delightfully refreshing, and will help you distinguish yourself from your smoothly pressed companions. No one wants to be boring, do they?

5. There is nothing wrong with wearing stockings with holes in them, as long as the holes are covered by your skirt/shirt/whatever. If I threw out every pair of stockings which I ladder, I would have a hosiery bill exceeding most people's mortgage. 

6. The same goes for underwear and socks with holes.

7. Comfort should always trump beauty, as I know from once STUPIDLY deciding to walk from the bus stop to a wedding venue in very high, very painful heels.

8. If your pants have unfortunately shrunk in the wash (otherwise known as "you've put on weight"), there is NO SHAME in leaving your top button undone, provided, of course, that said button is carefully concealed.

Hopefully this list will provide you with some ideas on how to maintain a stylish facade. And, as ever, I am keen to hear your views. Don't be shy :-)

Advice Part 74- Exercise "fashion"

My favourite form of exercise (ho ho, what a joke- that implies that I actually like more than one) is walking. Some of the many advantages of perambulating as a means of fitness are that it's free, easy, doesn't require expensive equipment, and can be done whenever YOU wish.

Perfect.

But my advice to young players is that if you are thinking about partaking in a spot of walking, you should be aware that some individuals in the exercise fraternity take their sartorial choices VERY seriously.....

How do I know this? Read on.....

When I head out for a stroll, I like to wear clothes which are COMFY and easy to wash (given that I have an unhappy propensity to sweat more than the proverbial pig). Consequently, my walking "outfit" consists of....

• An old T-shirt I was given for free when volunteering at the Sydney Writers' Festival in 2011. Said T-shirt is BRIGHT ORANGE, with Volunteer emblazoned across the back, and a picture of a typewriter on the front

• A pair of saggy, baggy black shorts which are now a rather disturbing shade of grey (pun intended)
• An ancient bra which has lost most of its elasticity
• Some runners which smell so bad that I can't keep them in the house
• A brown straw hat, with a huge sweat stain across the brim
• Some sunglasses that I bought on sale five years ago. Amusingly, said sunnies are now favoured by hipsters for their "ironic cool." But they were decidedly NOT cool when I bought them.

Needless to say, thus attired, I usually exercise early in the morning or at night when people can't really see me.

Everything was fine and dandy (another pun! I'm ON FIRE today!) until recently, when I became aware of a bit of movement in the exercise world, and an increased focus on "looking good" whilst working out. Now I see people walking past in....

• MATCHING T-shirts and shorts, generally from some exclusive boutique
• Expensive "compression tights". Sure, these might be helpful if you're competing in the Olympics or a professional sportsperson, but I'm seriously doubtful that they're going to improve the performance of somebody strolling along the footpath
• Shoes designed by Stella McCartney or similar
• Impeccably coiffed hair 
• Ridiculously pricey designer brand sunnies
• Full face make up (ladies only so far, but I'd be quite interested to see a similarly painted gentleman)

Sure, it's great to be proud of your appearance, but I honestly don't understand why someone would bother getting all dressed up for a bit of a dander around the park. I actually find it quite liberating to KNOW that I look shocking, but not care. But I think I'm probably in the minority here.

Still, if anyone has any old T-shirts they are too embarrassed to wear any more, and want to give them to me, I might be tempted to expand my walking (NOT walk-in) wardrobe......

Advice Part 55- Is that a dog coat you're wearing? and other friendly conversation starters....

I'm not sure why, but one of my talents (and there's not many) is that I seem to have a strong tendency to find myself unwittingly involved in rather unusual conversations with people I don't know.

My advice to young players is that whilst engaging in random conversations with strangers is all well and good, there are some people who are best avoided. And if you happen to find yourself chatting to such an individual, my best advice is to RUN.....

This observation was prompted by a series of events that happened on the weekend.....

So. Here we go.

One of my work colleagues, Jessie, has a dachshund, Fido, and on Saturday, Jessie had arranged for Fido to take part in the Dachshund UN, a piece of "performance art", where the dogs sit in a replica UN General Assembly.

I decided to go and watch (yes, I know that says a lot about my social life, but let's not dwell on that now....)

Arriving at the venue, I spotted Jessie. We were having a talk when we were approached by a rather presumptuous lady. I hate to appeal to stereotypes, but this woman was an "Eastern suburbs matron"- rich, rude and pretentious. She strutted straight up to us, and without so much as a "hello", pointed at Fido. The following conversation ensued:

• Lady (addressing Jessie): Your dog. Where is its coat?
• Jessie: She doesn't have a coat. She doesn't mind the rain.
• Lady (tutting loudly): Disgraceful! All dogs need a coat in the rain.
• Jessie (politely): I don't think that's true. Fido used to live in Sweden, and she went out in the snow without a coat.
• Lady (looking horrified): Oh! That is cruel! My Dasher has 3 little coats. He NEVER goes out without them. One of them has genuine fox fur lining (seeing my pained expression). I'm so naughty, I know, but it keeps him so warm. And it's from New York. The other is a rain jacket. And the third he wears around the house. It's a horrible, cheap imitation velour. Quite disgusting.

Here there was a big pause, and then.....

• Lady (grabbing hold of my jacket): Just like this. Yes, EXACTLY like this.

At this, Jessie burst out laughing, and the lady looked a bit taken aback. I just stood there gaping, and then said "Oh. Right. Thanks."

OK, so my jacket is a bit old and tatty, but I didn't particularly appreciate some random crazy woman telling me that EVEN HER DOG would be ashamed to wear such a piece out in public!

Still, I guess if I ever need a replacement coat, I'll know to stop by the pet store and check out their wares.....

Advice Part 51- When choosing your animal companion....

I know I'm not the only one out there who shares their humble abode with a member of the feline persuasion. And whilst I am inordinately fond of my cat, Polly, I have also come to realise that owning such an animal has a number of VERY bad side effects.

One in particular.

My advice to young players is that IF you are going to obtain a cat, and IF you also have a penchant for only wearing clothes of one particular colour, it is best to make sure your cat's fur is the same shade as your gear.

How do I know this? Read on....

A few months ago, it was unseasonably cold, so I decided I would wear a jumper. As those of you who know me would attest, the VAST majority of clothes in my wardrobe are black, and this sweater was no exception.

So I chucked it on, not really looking too closely, and headed to the station.

I was sitting on the seat, waiting for my train, when the random man next to me started to chat:

• Man: What's the name of your cat?
• Me (a bit suspiciously): Pardon?
• Man: Your cat. What's his or her name?
• Me (cagily): Polly. Why? How do you know I have a cat?
• Man (looking smug and self-satisfied): It's not exactly difficult to tell. She's got a lot of white on her, hasn't she?
• Me (starting to get a bit worried): Well, yes, she has. How did you know?
• Man (laughing uproariously): I know because you are absolutely covered in white cat hairs!

At this, I glanced down at my jumper, and sure enough, he was right. There was a veritable forest of white fur ALL OVER IT.

My new buddy thought this was hilarious- "Don't worry, I'm covered in hairs, too!" he laughed, proudly holding out his arm, which was populated with ginger cat fur.

Hmm. Great.

After that day, I've been maniacally brushing my clothes to try and clean off the cat hair, but with little effect. But let me assure you, the next cat I get will DEFINITELY be black.

Or hairless.....

Or I guess I could start a little enterprise like this.....