Advice Part 92- The perfect (office) companion?

There has been a bit of a lack of advice of late, hasn't there? But, as the cliche goes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder", so hopefully this extended hiatus has left you perched on the edge of your seat, quivering with enthusiasm now that there is a new post!!!

Or perhaps not.

Anyway, let us begin.....

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In three weeks, I am going to be unemployed. My contract is coming to an end, and, "times being what they are....indifferent" (to quote Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead), I don't have another job. This parlous situation means that I may have to consider either becoming a bus driver (don't laugh- I am actually seriously thinking about it) or temping.

Oh dear.

However, if there is one thing I've learnt over these past two years, it's that you should NEVER underestimate the importance of your office companion. And my advice to young players is that some will DEFINITELY be better than others....

Read on....

When I started my job, I was very excited to get my OWN OFFICE for the first time ever! But, due to a) a considerable absence of space, and b) my level of unimportance, it was soon decided that it would be good for me to share.

OK. I don't necessarily have a problem with that....

Most of the four different people who've shared the office have been on short term projects, so they've never stayed very long. But I can honestly say that I have MUCH preferred some to others, and so I've got a little list (to steal from The Mikado- note MULTIPLE literary references to give the pretence that I'm cultured!) of what makes a good office sharing companion (and yes, it's highly subjective).

• They talk to you about themselves. Maybe it's just me, but I WANT to know what someone does after work, what their partner is like, what they enjoy eating. There is nothing more dismal than trying to make a bit of small talk when you arrive in the morning, and the person exhibits as much life as a hibernating hedgehog (in fact, in one instance, I think the hedgehog would have been more lively....)

• That being said, there is a fine line between talking a bit and talking too much. No, I don't want to hear a blow-by-blow, scene-by-scene, line-by-line account of the new action film you saw on the weekend which holds precisely zero interest for me.
• They don't have loud, inane phone conversations to their partner/dog/baby all day. And yes, I have heard the back end of all three of these categories. The middle was the most sensible.
• They don't eat their stinky lunch at their desk. Friendly advice- not everyone loves sardines or their fetid odour. Fancy that!

• They have similar views about whether the light should be on/the fan on/the window open/the blinds shut. Divergent opinions can be a source of WAR.
• There is at least part of the day where you have the office to yourself. Even if it's for 10 minutes. (Random question- am I the only person who actually takes lunch outside the office nowadays?!)

I wonder what my office companions have thought of me sometimes. And I'm sure their evaluations would not be pretty, either....

Advice Part 55- Is that a dog coat you're wearing? and other friendly conversation starters....

I'm not sure why, but one of my talents (and there's not many) is that I seem to have a strong tendency to find myself unwittingly involved in rather unusual conversations with people I don't know.

My advice to young players is that whilst engaging in random conversations with strangers is all well and good, there are some people who are best avoided. And if you happen to find yourself chatting to such an individual, my best advice is to RUN.....

This observation was prompted by a series of events that happened on the weekend.....

So. Here we go.

One of my work colleagues, Jessie, has a dachshund, Fido, and on Saturday, Jessie had arranged for Fido to take part in the Dachshund UN, a piece of "performance art", where the dogs sit in a replica UN General Assembly.

I decided to go and watch (yes, I know that says a lot about my social life, but let's not dwell on that now....)

Arriving at the venue, I spotted Jessie. We were having a talk when we were approached by a rather presumptuous lady. I hate to appeal to stereotypes, but this woman was an "Eastern suburbs matron"- rich, rude and pretentious. She strutted straight up to us, and without so much as a "hello", pointed at Fido. The following conversation ensued:

• Lady (addressing Jessie): Your dog. Where is its coat?
• Jessie: She doesn't have a coat. She doesn't mind the rain.
• Lady (tutting loudly): Disgraceful! All dogs need a coat in the rain.
• Jessie (politely): I don't think that's true. Fido used to live in Sweden, and she went out in the snow without a coat.
• Lady (looking horrified): Oh! That is cruel! My Dasher has 3 little coats. He NEVER goes out without them. One of them has genuine fox fur lining (seeing my pained expression). I'm so naughty, I know, but it keeps him so warm. And it's from New York. The other is a rain jacket. And the third he wears around the house. It's a horrible, cheap imitation velour. Quite disgusting.

Here there was a big pause, and then.....

• Lady (grabbing hold of my jacket): Just like this. Yes, EXACTLY like this.

At this, Jessie burst out laughing, and the lady looked a bit taken aback. I just stood there gaping, and then said "Oh. Right. Thanks."

OK, so my jacket is a bit old and tatty, but I didn't particularly appreciate some random crazy woman telling me that EVEN HER DOG would be ashamed to wear such a piece out in public!

Still, I guess if I ever need a replacement coat, I'll know to stop by the pet store and check out their wares.....

Advice Part 34- How to survive Christmas lunch

It being Christmas Day today, and with the late afternoon lull upon me, I decided it may be an opportune time to update my blog with a festive-themed special (I can't be accused of not being topical!).

And what more difficult festive occasion is there than (insert ominous music here).....Christmas lunch?

My advice for young players is that Christmas lunches are events unlike any other, and you should expect typical rules of behaviour to be thrown out the door.....

Case in point. Today, my mum and I went for lunch at my cousin's place. We have been doing this for as long as I can remember, and EVERY year the following happen:

• Someone in the family has either lost or gained A LOT of weight, both of which tend to create an awkward situation. Do you tell the newly thin person that you used to think they were a bit on the large side? And should you acknowledge that someone has put on a bit of weight, or just ignore the proverbial "elephant in the room" situation (pardon the inappropriate figure of speech....oh hell, figure of speech?....I think I should stop there before my puns get any worse)? 

• Somebody brings up the "peanut butter sandwich" story. Again. This story centres around the fact that I ONCE refused to eat my Christmas turkey, and asked for a peanut butter sandwich instead. I was 4 at the time. The story has been told 27 times since.....Groan.

• The Christmas bon bons are rubbish. Every year, my cousin goes to a different place, hoping to FINALLY find some decent crackers. But they are always TERRIBLE. I mean, who really wants a plastic fish which ostensibly tells your fortune? And is it REALLY that hard to find some half-funny (or even a quarter funny?) jokes

• There is a "musical interlude". This is my FAVOURITE part of the day, and consists of my cousin's husband bringing out his melodica and playing a song while their dog howls an accompaniment. Generally after everyone has had a fair bit to drink, and finds a "singing dog" charming.

These sorts of things NEVER happen any other time of year. But I guess that's part of the appeal.....