Advice Part 80- "Funny" T-shirts

I am probably the last person on earth who should be offering fashion advice, given that my usual "after hours" attire typically consists of a pair of filthy black tracksuit pants, an old jumper of my father's which is now too small for him, and ugg boots (no, not the designer type- rather, the cheap kind from the House of Targét).

But there is one piece of fashion wisdom which I feel I simply MUST impart to all young players out there, namely, that "funny" T-shirts (by which I mean shirts printed with "hilarious" slogans, typically of a sexist nature or related to alcohol consumption- note to self, must stop using " "s) are best avoided. At ALL costs.

How do I know this? Read on.....

This morning, on the way to work, I was waiting at the bus stop at Railway Square, when a youngish guy approached, wearing a slogan T-shirt. What exactly did this work of wisdom say? I present it below....

The guy wearing the shirt obviously thought it was pretty funny, as he had it proudly displayed. But maybe it's just me, but I tend to think that people who have to boast about a) their copious alcohol consumption, and b) their "high standards" in regards to potential partners, probably aren't a) drinking very much at all, or b) having much success with the ladies.

But today's shirt isn't by ANY means the worst of its kind. In fact, it hardly rates in the "hey, look at me! I'm such a wannabe playa" stakes. Those who are really playing to win would best consider a delightful "Game Over" shirt (see below- note heart location! Chortle, chortle...).

Or they could opt for my own personal favourite, the "F.B.I.- Female Body Inspector." If the slogan itself isn't bad enough, it comes emblazoned on a "wife beater" tank top, for the ultimate high-class look.....(sorry, the sarcasm is being dispensed with a trowel today).

I'm not trying to institute fashion policing- heaven forbid. But I REALLY wonder at the mentality of people who think that something like this actually looks good. All I can say is, never underestimate the appeal of a plain T-shirt.....

Advice Part 65 - Sexist rap?

I have always considered myself to be something of a “feminist”. Whilst I have stopped short of reading The Female Eunuch, and have yet to burn my bra or stop shaving my legs (sorry, had to chuck in a few clichés there....), I would describe myself as VERY committed to ensuring that women are treated equally to men.

But in the past month or so, I have come to realise that I have a MAJOR problem reconciling my feminist political views with my musical tastes.....

My advice to young players is that it MAY be acceptable to briefly suppress your moral outrage for the sake of a bit of enjoyment. But as soon as the fun is over, get back on your moral high horse lest it gallops away (I am going to wring every last drop out of that image...)

How do I know this? Let me explain....

It may come as a surprise for those of you who know me, but I have a rather unfortunate penchant for a particular "niche kind" of R&B, hip hop, and rap music. 

"A-ha!" you're probably saying. "That's no surprise at all. I bet you like nice, conservative R&B, like Boyz II Men, or Mariah Carey or Rihanna."

But if you thought that, you'd be VERY wrong.

Rather, my predilection is for blantantly sexist and misogynistic music which:

• objectifies women
• features near nude dancers gyrating in the video clips
• is full of lyrics about sex and the singer’s “performance in the sack”

 So, some tracks which I like:

• Gett Off- Prince
• Baby got back- Sir Mix-A-Lot
• Novacane- Frank Ocean (this is a KILLER track!)

 

The strangest thing about this is that there seems to be some sort of positive correlation between the sexism of the lyrics, and the amount I like the song- the more sexist, the more I’ll like it.

What really disturbs me is that if I heard these sort of sentiments expressed anywhere other than in music, I would be absolutely FURIOUS.

But, worst of all, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA why I like this sort of music. It seems to exert some sort of irresistible appeal for me. As soon as a sexist rap track starts playing, I can't resist.

This is one of those times that I wish Dr Freud was still alive, because I'm sure he'd have a field day with this sort of fascination.....

Advice Part 33- Attracting attention from the ladies

So, as readers of this blog would know, I do not seem to have a whole lot of success with men. I have had a couple of good relationships, but these have been few and far between.....

Yet whilst I have a LOT of trouble attracting romantic attention from the males of the species, I have no such problem receiving interest from ladies.

This would be great. Except from the fact that I am not a lesbian or bisexual.

My advice to young players is that if you receive advances from people of the gender that you are NOT interested in, it's best to take them as a compliment, rather than as a suggestion that your sexuality is ambiguous.

Case in point. On Friday night, my friend and I were out at a restaurant. We sat down, pulled out the menus, and I began discussing my cat. However, I soon became aware that our chat was causing A LOT of interest from two ladies at the neighbouring table....

After a few minutes of silently listening in, the woman next to me pulled out her phone, and showed me a photo of her cat (aka "The devil in a fur coat"). Then the OTHER lady produced HER phone, and started chatting away. The conversation continued for around 20 minutes, both ladies talking away furiously at me, and totally ignoring my friend.

When they FINALLY left, my friend remarked "Wow. The lesbian ladies certainly like YOU." "Ha ha ha!" I smiled nervously "Weren't they just being friendly?" "Err, no", my friend disagreed, laughing away.

I tried to shrug it off, but things took a further turn when we went to the bottle shop to purchase some wine, and the woman behind me asked what I was doing for the rest of the night, and if I'd like to join her to "party on" at her place.


WHAT THE HELL?!

I haven't been approached by three men in an entire year!!!! Yet three women tried to pick me up in a SINGLE NIGHT?! What on earth was happening???

Maybe I should take Woody Allen's advice, and play to my strengths. After all, as he rightly remarks, the good thing about being bisexual is that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night.

Advice Part 32- Eavesdropping for beginners

OK, I'll admit it- there are few things I enjoy more than secretly listening in on other people's private conversations.

However, my advice to young players is that if you, too, are an afficianado of eavesdropping, it is VERY important to do so with SUBTLETY, as there are few things more embarrassing than giving the game away.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Today, I was catching the train into the city, and had just pulled my book out of my bag, ready for a boring journey. But when we pulled into the next station, some people got on and sat near me. They started talking, and I immediately tuned in.

 

• Guy: So, will you be spending Christmas with your family?
• Girl: Yep. But my step-brother is overseas at the moment.
• Guy: How old is he?
• Girl: 19. The same as us.
• Guy: Step-brother....so that means you're not related by blood at all?
• Girl: No. His dad and my mum are married. She had me before they met, and my stepdad already had him.
• Guy: Interesting. But wait a minute......I just thought of something! If you're not related, then it would be OK for you to have sex with him, wouldn't it? Is he hot?

What the HELL?!

As soon as the guy uttered this statement, I couldn't help myself. I spun around, and gave him an incredulous look. But this let the proverbial cat out of the bag, as it was obvious that I had been listening in to EVERYTHING they'd said.

I seriously don't know who was more embarrassed- me, for being caught out eavesdropping, or them, for having a discussion about the ethics of sleeping with your step-brother.

Needless to say, they dropped their voices after that, and so I never did get to find out my fellow travellers' views on the appropriateness of step-sibling relationships.

But it certainly made the train trip a LOT more interesting.