Advice Part 57- "Granny trolleys"

Being the compulsive hoarder that I am, (see Advice Part 52 ), one of the major events of my week is going grocery shopping to stock up on EVEN MORE cans of tuna.

This would all be fine and dandy, apart from the fact that I don't have a car in which to carry my booty home.

But, gentle readers, I have discovered a solution to this problem.

My advice to young players is that if, like me, you lack an automobile and don't fancy online shopping/home delivery, I would STRONGLY recommend investing in a "Granny trolley." And to hell with your self-respect.

First, I should probably define my terms (spot the person who has written too many essays). By "Granny trolley", I mean one of those contraptions consisting of a large sack with wheels and a handle that are popular with elderly women (generally in former Eastern Bloc countries).

Here's a picture:

I obtained my "Granny trolley" somewhat unexpectedly, when a friend was moving overseas, and gave me hers. At first, I was slightly horrified at the prospect of walking down the main street of my suburb with such a creation. Despite the fact that the said trolley is bright red, with funky "off road" wheels and a streamlined shape, I couldn't help feeling that it was, perhaps, slightly "uncool" (yes, I know, I'm the last person who should be giving "coolness" advice, but stick with me....).

So I stowed the trolley away, and thought nothing more of it.

But then my father came to visit, and, upon seeing the trolley, was absolutely horrified. "What is THAT doing?" he exclaimed. "Surely you're not serious? You're not going out in public with one of THOSE?! Do you think you're 80 years old?!" He promptly threatened to disown me if I was ever seen with the trolley.

Needless to say, this was just the motivation I needed to start using it.

The next day, I trotted off to the shops, trying to affect an air of detached insouciance as I wheeled my red trolley along behind me. I was exceptionally embarrassed at first, but I soon realised that I actually quite LIKED it. I could buy as much as I wanted, without having to worry about carrying it all. It was easy manoeuvre. And I was able to sanctimoniously refuse the offer of plastic bags. Bonus!

I've now been using the trolley for 3 years, during which time they have become a bit of a hipster item (groan).

I better not need a new one anytime soon, as buying a replacement will send me broke.....

Advice Part 56- How to write a love letter

As many of you will know, I recently won a love letter writing competition. This was something of a surprise (to put it mildly), given that it was the first love letter I have ever written.

I have a strong suspicion that mine may have been the only entry in the contest. But let's not dwell on that.....

So, you may be asking, how did I pull off this miraculous feat? How do you write a (half-decent) love letter? My advice to young players is that provided you follow a few basic rules, you should be able to compose a romantic missive with considerable aplomb.

Guidelines for writing love letters

• Choose your medium of composition carefully. Typing out a letter on a computer, or (heaven forbid) sending it in the form of text message, DOES NOT create the right impression. Write your letter BY HAND! Pen and paper is good. Fountain pen and nice paper is better (although I must admit that I always associate fountain pens with rich bankers-if this is the impression you hope to create, go for it). Quill and parchment is best (but whatever you do, DO NOT use your own blood as ink- that is creepy, not romantic)

• Open your letter with a BANG. No beating around the bush. Take your hints from Mr Darcy's proposal (yes, I know this is a spoken proposal, but it is good advice): "In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.''

• Make your letter short and sweet. Whilst you may be able to write 17 pages on the precise way that the object of your desire ties his/her shoelace, leave it out. Two or three paragraphs is enough. DEFINITELY no more than a page.
• Check your spelling and grammar. OK, so I have a bit of a fixation on this. But come on, a love letter is the chance for you to show off your eloquence and way with words. And spelling "its" wrong is NOT going to create a good impression.

• Play to your strengths. If you have a fine line in self-deprecating wit, then use it. If you are the master of puns, then put some in. But don't go over the top- the recipient shouldn't think your letter is a joke.
• Do not rely on romantic cliches. DO NOT tell your beloved that she is like the sun, or that your heart skips a beat when you see her. This is BORING! Use your imagination. Tell her she is like a delicious persimmon or that the sight of her makes you sweat so much that your eczema breaks out. 

• Be honest. Whilst you certainly want your letter to be complimentary, DO NOT lie. "Embellishing the truth" is OK. So is "careful omission." But don't chronically exaggerate, as the recipient will likely question the authenticity of your sentiments.
• Finish with an equal and opposite bang. If you would like a reply, ask for one. If you'll chat to them at the cafe tomorrow, tell them. DO NOT just finish off by writing something along the lines of "Yeah, well, I've ummm, run out of things to say, so I guess I'll see you around, hey?"

So, hopefully this has provided a few hints for the romantics out there. Ladies and gentlemen, pick up your quills and get to it!

Advice Part 55- Is that a dog coat you're wearing? and other friendly conversation starters....

I'm not sure why, but one of my talents (and there's not many) is that I seem to have a strong tendency to find myself unwittingly involved in rather unusual conversations with people I don't know.

My advice to young players is that whilst engaging in random conversations with strangers is all well and good, there are some people who are best avoided. And if you happen to find yourself chatting to such an individual, my best advice is to RUN.....

This observation was prompted by a series of events that happened on the weekend.....

So. Here we go.

One of my work colleagues, Jessie, has a dachshund, Fido, and on Saturday, Jessie had arranged for Fido to take part in the Dachshund UN, a piece of "performance art", where the dogs sit in a replica UN General Assembly.

I decided to go and watch (yes, I know that says a lot about my social life, but let's not dwell on that now....)

Arriving at the venue, I spotted Jessie. We were having a talk when we were approached by a rather presumptuous lady. I hate to appeal to stereotypes, but this woman was an "Eastern suburbs matron"- rich, rude and pretentious. She strutted straight up to us, and without so much as a "hello", pointed at Fido. The following conversation ensued:

• Lady (addressing Jessie): Your dog. Where is its coat?
• Jessie: She doesn't have a coat. She doesn't mind the rain.
• Lady (tutting loudly): Disgraceful! All dogs need a coat in the rain.
• Jessie (politely): I don't think that's true. Fido used to live in Sweden, and she went out in the snow without a coat.
• Lady (looking horrified): Oh! That is cruel! My Dasher has 3 little coats. He NEVER goes out without them. One of them has genuine fox fur lining (seeing my pained expression). I'm so naughty, I know, but it keeps him so warm. And it's from New York. The other is a rain jacket. And the third he wears around the house. It's a horrible, cheap imitation velour. Quite disgusting.

Here there was a big pause, and then.....

• Lady (grabbing hold of my jacket): Just like this. Yes, EXACTLY like this.

At this, Jessie burst out laughing, and the lady looked a bit taken aback. I just stood there gaping, and then said "Oh. Right. Thanks."

OK, so my jacket is a bit old and tatty, but I didn't particularly appreciate some random crazy woman telling me that EVEN HER DOG would be ashamed to wear such a piece out in public!

Still, I guess if I ever need a replacement coat, I'll know to stop by the pet store and check out their wares.....

Advice Part 54- How to avoid cooking

As those who know me well would vouch, one of my favourite passtimes is eating. There's few things I enjoy more than heading out to dinner at a new restaurant, and being presented with a veritable culinary extravaganza.

I'm getting hungry just writing this....

But whilst I have an enthusiasm for the consumption of food, I absolutely LOATHE cooking.

My advice for young players is that if you are like me, and the mere thought of cooking sends you into a veritable panic, it is possible to avoid this hated task without resorting to take away.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Confession- when I moved out of home, I didn't know how to cook a thing. I know, this is shameful, and I should have helped my mum out more when I was living in the nest. But that's all well and good in retrospect.....

I arrived at my new share house with pots, pans, measuring cups, and all manner of kitchen gadgets, which I fully intended to put to good use. I had visions of myself preparing sumptuous banquets of roast suckling pig with red wine jus and oil of truffles, followed by yak milk custard with hand-ground cocoa beans.

Accompanied, of course, with a healthy serve of pretentiousness.

Needless to say, this didn't happen, because I quickly discovered that I hated cooking. Every aspect of it. The chopping. The peeling. The slicing. The dicing. The frying. The baking. The burning.

All of it except the eating.

But that's when I came up with my GENIUS plan. And let me tell you, this knowledge CHANGED MY LIFE! (yes, this is beginning to sound like some self-help seminar, but relax, it's not)

I realised that all I had to do was cook up one HUGE batch of stew or casserole, split it up into 7 little containers, put these in the freezer, and my cooking was done for the ENTIRE WEEK.

Whoo hoo!

This way, I could still be healthy, legitimately tell my mum I was cooking my own meals, AND avoid spending hours in the kitchen. Perfect.

The only problem with this approach is that there, err, isn't much variety. But I guess that's a sacrifice that needs to be made.

Right?

Advice Part 53- Spending too much time in the shower

In my opinion, there are few things better than a nice shower. However, showers (or more precisely, the time spent in the shower) can also be the source of bitter disputes.....

My advice to young players is that IF you are in the unfortunate position of having to share your showering facilities with other individuals, you better hope that none of them are members of the "too much time in the shower is never enough" species, or your sanity-and cleanliness- will be SORELY tested.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Until I was 26 years old, I lived at home with my parents (yes, I know, I should have left the proverbial nest earlier, but I had neither the funds nor the inclination), whose house only has one bathroom.

"OK," you might say. "Three people sharing one bathroom- that shouldn't be a problem!"

If only.

My mum and I tend to be pretty speedy with our showering. No issues there. But my dad was (and, by all reports, still is) another kettle of fish ENTIRELY.

One and a half hours is the typical duration of his daily libations, and anything less than an hour is considered akin to sacrilege.

God help you if he manages to nip into the bathroom ahead of you.

But my dad's extensive showering repertoire pales in comparison to my cousin, who is VERY vain about his appearance. When said cousin was staying with my grandfather, he once clocked up OVER TWO AND A HALF HOURS in the shower.

Bloody. Hell.

My unfortunate grandfather thought my cousin must have had an accident in there, and was starting to get very worried. But no- he eventually emerged around midday, amidst a mist of steam, a wave of cologne, and an elegant swishing of designer suit.

It was like that scene in As good as it gets when Jack Nicholson's character spends a couple of hours having a wash. Except Nicholson's character had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And was going on a date with Helen Hunt's character.

My cousin has no such excuses.

All I can say is, I hope I never have to share a bathroom with my father and cousin, or I will NEVER be getting a shower.

Advice Part 52- Being a hoarder

Of late, I have started to realise that I have a major problem. Actually, change that.....

Of late, I have started to realise that I have yet another major problem of which I had previously been unaware. That's better.


The issue of which I speak is hoarding, or a complete and utter inability to throw ANYTHING out.

My advice to young players is that if you start to develop a hoarding habit, take action immediately! Otherwise, in a couple of years, your house and office will be full of stuff you REALLY don't need, but which you simply can't bear to throw away.....

How do I know this? Read on......

Around 2 weeks ago, I left my previous job, which meant that I had to clean up my desk. This initially sounded pretty easy- after all, I hadn't been there all that long, and I had only been working part-time.

WRONG! 

Once I started, I realised that it was going to take an absolute eternity to sort through all my stuff, because, in my infinite wisdom, I had decided to hoard ALL of the drafts of EVERY article I wrote, along with each of the journal articles I had cited in the papers.

Given I had written 9 articles, each with at least 6 drafts, and around 30 citations per paper, this gave a total of over 300 documents floating around.

Bloody hell.

"So what?" you may be saying. "Just toss them in the bin!" Aah, but there's the rub! When it came to disposing of the papers, I couldn't do it. "SURELY I must have kept them for a reason" I mused. "And I don't want to throw out something important....." So I left them there, in a huge pile, for the new occupant of my desk.

I bet that person was thrilled.

When I got home that night, I realised that I have a serious problem with hoarding.....

• In the drawer under my TV, I keep EVERY SINGLE RECEIPT that I get so that I can "keep track of my spending." 
• My pantry is full of cans of tuna, "just in case I run out." 

• In my wardrobe are a pile of singlets with holes and tears in them that I simply can't bear to throw in the rubbish
• And let's not even start on the big pile of newspaper articles which I've ripped out at one stage or another, and have never got around to reading.....

Let's just hope I never have to move again....

Advice Part 51- When choosing your animal companion....

I know I'm not the only one out there who shares their humble abode with a member of the feline persuasion. And whilst I am inordinately fond of my cat, Polly, I have also come to realise that owning such an animal has a number of VERY bad side effects.

One in particular.

My advice to young players is that IF you are going to obtain a cat, and IF you also have a penchant for only wearing clothes of one particular colour, it is best to make sure your cat's fur is the same shade as your gear.

How do I know this? Read on....

A few months ago, it was unseasonably cold, so I decided I would wear a jumper. As those of you who know me would attest, the VAST majority of clothes in my wardrobe are black, and this sweater was no exception.

So I chucked it on, not really looking too closely, and headed to the station.

I was sitting on the seat, waiting for my train, when the random man next to me started to chat:

• Man: What's the name of your cat?
• Me (a bit suspiciously): Pardon?
• Man: Your cat. What's his or her name?
• Me (cagily): Polly. Why? How do you know I have a cat?
• Man (looking smug and self-satisfied): It's not exactly difficult to tell. She's got a lot of white on her, hasn't she?
• Me (starting to get a bit worried): Well, yes, she has. How did you know?
• Man (laughing uproariously): I know because you are absolutely covered in white cat hairs!

At this, I glanced down at my jumper, and sure enough, he was right. There was a veritable forest of white fur ALL OVER IT.

My new buddy thought this was hilarious- "Don't worry, I'm covered in hairs, too!" he laughed, proudly holding out his arm, which was populated with ginger cat fur.

Hmm. Great.

After that day, I've been maniacally brushing my clothes to try and clean off the cat hair, but with little effect. But let me assure you, the next cat I get will DEFINITELY be black.

Or hairless.....

Or I guess I could start a little enterprise like this.....