Advice Part 73- Fickle affections

For the past few years (let's not go into exactly how long, suffice to say, it's been a LONG time), I have been single. This has meant that I have spent many a dismal Saturday night staying at home, watching rubbish on TV, and eating ice-cream straight out of the carton.

Good times.

But recently, a miracle transpired. I met a gentleman (who actually LIKES ME!), and this heralded a welcome change in my relationship status.

Whoo hoo!

However, my advice to young players is that whilst it's all well and good to meet someone, it is best to exercise considerable caution lest they become the target of another woman's affections.

Particularly if the other woman is fickle, furry and feline.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Having departed the realm of Eternal Singledom, and managed to sustain a relationship for a few weeks (!!!!), I decided to invite my boyfriend (let's call him Ricardo) over to my house for dinner (and please, no comments about "dessert"- nudge, nudge, wink, wink....).

I was somewhat nervous about introducing Ricardo to my cat, Polly, who tends to be a bit of a relationship barometer. When she met one of my exes, she took one look and ran straight under my bed, where she stayed for the rest of the afternoon. She had the opposite reaction to another ex, refusing to let him out of her sight, and hissing threateningly whenever he approached.

Whilst loath to get all "new agey", I think Polly must have picked up some weird vibes from my exes. Both of them turned out to be BIG mistakes.

Consequently, this time, I resolved to pay more attention to my cat's reaction.

At the appointed hour, Ricardo arrived at my house, and I nervously presented him to Polly. Would she run? Attack? Hiss? Snarl?

Answer- none of the above. Because Polly promptly decided that she liked Ricardo.

This was all well and good, but in the subsequent weeks, I've started to realise that she seems to like HIM more than she likes ME. 

• She RUNS to the door when she hears him knocking (and let me attest, Polly NEVER runs!)
• She meows constantly at him, wanting to be patted. 
• She follows him around, to the extent of parking herself outside the toilet door when he goes in. 
• And when he leaves, she sits where he's been sitting so she can pick up his scent.

Whilst I was glad Polly "approved", I seem to have been usurped in my cat's affections.

And this is something I DON'T like. At the risk of sounding petty and petulant- I was there first!

All I can say is, I really hope Ricardo and I don't break up anytime soon, as I don't know how to cope with a heartbroken cat.

Advice Part 56- How to write a love letter

As many of you will know, I recently won a love letter writing competition. This was something of a surprise (to put it mildly), given that it was the first love letter I have ever written.

I have a strong suspicion that mine may have been the only entry in the contest. But let's not dwell on that.....

So, you may be asking, how did I pull off this miraculous feat? How do you write a (half-decent) love letter? My advice to young players is that provided you follow a few basic rules, you should be able to compose a romantic missive with considerable aplomb.

Guidelines for writing love letters

• Choose your medium of composition carefully. Typing out a letter on a computer, or (heaven forbid) sending it in the form of text message, DOES NOT create the right impression. Write your letter BY HAND! Pen and paper is good. Fountain pen and nice paper is better (although I must admit that I always associate fountain pens with rich bankers-if this is the impression you hope to create, go for it). Quill and parchment is best (but whatever you do, DO NOT use your own blood as ink- that is creepy, not romantic)

• Open your letter with a BANG. No beating around the bush. Take your hints from Mr Darcy's proposal (yes, I know this is a spoken proposal, but it is good advice): "In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.''

• Make your letter short and sweet. Whilst you may be able to write 17 pages on the precise way that the object of your desire ties his/her shoelace, leave it out. Two or three paragraphs is enough. DEFINITELY no more than a page.
• Check your spelling and grammar. OK, so I have a bit of a fixation on this. But come on, a love letter is the chance for you to show off your eloquence and way with words. And spelling "its" wrong is NOT going to create a good impression.

• Play to your strengths. If you have a fine line in self-deprecating wit, then use it. If you are the master of puns, then put some in. But don't go over the top- the recipient shouldn't think your letter is a joke.
• Do not rely on romantic cliches. DO NOT tell your beloved that she is like the sun, or that your heart skips a beat when you see her. This is BORING! Use your imagination. Tell her she is like a delicious persimmon or that the sight of her makes you sweat so much that your eczema breaks out. 

• Be honest. Whilst you certainly want your letter to be complimentary, DO NOT lie. "Embellishing the truth" is OK. So is "careful omission." But don't chronically exaggerate, as the recipient will likely question the authenticity of your sentiments.
• Finish with an equal and opposite bang. If you would like a reply, ask for one. If you'll chat to them at the cafe tomorrow, tell them. DO NOT just finish off by writing something along the lines of "Yeah, well, I've ummm, run out of things to say, so I guess I'll see you around, hey?"

So, hopefully this has provided a few hints for the romantics out there. Ladies and gentlemen, pick up your quills and get to it!