Advice Part 41- Things to conceal from your guests

Aah, holidays! There are few things more pleasant than spending a couple of weeks taking it easy in a foreign land, enjoying new food, meeting new people, and seeing new sights....

And it's even better if you manage to find someone to rent your apartment while you are away. Bonus!

However, my advice for young players is that if you are having a near-stranger stay in your humble abode, it is prudent to make sure that you have a safe and secure place to hide your "more personal" items. Or else you run the risk of your guests doubting your sanity....

How do I know this? Read on.....

I am leaving for Spain at the end of the month, and am having a visiting academic (and her husband) stay in my place while I'm gone. So, on the weekend, I decided to do a bit of a clean up in preparation for my guests' arrival.

But as I went through my house, I realised that I have quite a lot of VERY embarrassing things hanging around that I don't want them to see, including:

• A T-shirt with a pink goblin smoking a "funny cigarette" on the front. I got this shirt in a (not so) lucky dip, and wear it when I'm cleaning the toilet.

• Two black wigs, one long and one short, which I bought for fancy dress parties.

• A special "nasal cleansing device" which my dad bought me when I was suffering from hayfever. Erm..

• And, last but not least, a collection of strawberry and chocolate ripple flavoured condoms, which I was given when a friend had an "adult piñata" at his 40th birthday party.

Dear god.

If my guests catch sight of my belongings, they will probably assume that my typical routine consists of me:

• inviting an "intimate friend" around;
• donning my goblin shirt;
• smoking copious amounts of "wacky baccy", followed by some "nostril cleansing";
• both of us getting dressed up in the wigs for some kinky role playing;
• and then putting the flavoured condoms to good use.

Bloody hell.

Consequently, I have decided to store these items in a locked trunk, safely out of my guests' reach. Still, at least they won't be able to accuse me of being boring.....

Advice Part 40- Fun things to do on Friday nights

I have recently finished a period of "temporary temperance", in which I have been avoiding imbibing any alcoholic substances AT ALL.

This has necessitated a few changes to my typical Friday night routine. Now, rather than heading to the pub, I am more likely to be found doing my grocery shopping.

Thrilling, I know.

My advice to young players is that this has NOT been a bad thing- rather, late night grocery shopping is often more fascinating that ANYTHING you'll see in a bar.

Case in point. Last Friday, at 9:45pm, I realised I had yet to do my shopping, and so I headed up the road to Franklins to buy some milk and eggs. I then joined the queue to pay.

All was fine and dandy.

But then a- how do I say it?-"somewhat inebriated" elderly gentleman entered the store. He lurched down the first aisle, and began a swerving journey towards the rear of the shop.

Five minutes later, I felt a shove in the back, as the elderly drunk pushed past me, and made a lunge for the exit. He had clearly decided that he couldn't be bothered lining up and paying, and had simply shoved a whole collection of chocolate bars down his T-shirt.

And he wasn't just stealing one or two. He must have had AT LEAST 20 in there.

Needless to say, this didn't go unnoticed, and the following conversation ensued.

• Cashier One (yelling to Cashier Two): Hey, Josh! Stop this guy! He's stealing stuff!

• Cashier Two (looking a bit frightened): Umm, sure. (Addressing the drunk) Excuse me, sir. Can I ask what you have up your shirt?

• Drunk (inaudible muttering, then....): Nothing!!!

• Cashier One (getting very excited): He's lying, Josh! He's lying!

• Cashier Two: Sir, I can see a chocolate bar poking out of your shirt. And why have you got your arms folded like that?

• Drunk: (expletives aplenty)

• Cashier Two (pleading): Come on, sir. Please. What have you got up your shirt?

• Drunk (triumphantly): Nothing! I'm having a baby! I'm pregnant!

• Cashier Two (shocked silence, then.....): I am so happy for you. And you have come to the right place-I'm a doctor, and I'm going to deliver your baby! Ooh, I can see it coming out now!

At this stage, he approached the drunk, who looked completely horrified. The light fingered gent promptly let go of his bundle, and made a run for the exit, as the chocolate bars cascaded out of his shirt.

I definitely know where I'll be going for Friday night entertainment in future.

Advice Part 39- Breaking up: things to remember

As Neil Sedaka sang, "breaking up is hard to do" (and if that's not a good excuse to put in a cheesy video clip, I don't know what is.....).

My advice to young players is that whilst ending a relationship with someone is going to be hard, you can make things A LOT easier for all involved if you make sure you have reclaimed ALL of your possessions from them BEFORE you break up.

How do I know this? Read on.....

As you may remember from Dating Disasters (Episode 3) last month, I was, for a time, going out with a man who I shall refer to as "Mr X" (although, to be honest, "going out" is probably a bit too formal a phrase for describing our relationship....anyhow.....)

One day, Mr X came to my place to visit, and when he left, it was raining, so I lent him my umbrella.

Lent being the operative word.

I had totally forgotten about it, until the other day when I was walking through my neighbourhood, and came face-to-face with Mr X (who is now my ex) CARRYING MY UMBRELLA!

I was so discombobulated at seeing him that it was only afterwards that I realised that that was MY PROPERTY which he was nonchalantly toting about.

I was furious.

OK, so it was only a $5 umbrella. And I can easily get a new one. And, as a friend pointed out, a la "if you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it", being umbrella-less was a small sacrifice to make.

But this raises all sorts of confusing questions.....If a $5 umbrella isn't worth bothering about, what about a $50,000 crocodile skin one? And seriously, such a thing exists....

 

Plus, there's the problem of HOW a return of possessions could be accomplished if the two parties aren't speaking to each other....

Still, given my previous success at buying rubbish umbrellas, I expect it will spring a leak sometime soon....

Advice Part 38- Yes, you can be TOO interested

So, yet another story for the "unsuitable dates" file.....

But, in contrast to previous episodes, today's instalment DOES NOT centre around a man who was not interested enough. Rather, it concerns a man who was TOO interested.

My advice to young players is that if you like a person, it is generally advisable to show them that yes, you are interested, but that it is prudent to exercise at least SOME restraint in your pursuit.

How do I know this? Read on......

A few weeks ago, on the way home from a night out, I happened to meet a man. We got chatting, and he seemed nice enough. When he asked for my number, I gave it to him, not really expecting him to call.

Foolish, foolish me.

The next day, I headed off to the movies, and put my phone on silent. When I emerged from the cinema 2 hours later, I checked my mobile, and found that I had (wait for it) 10 missed calls.

All from this guy.

My god.

This disturbed me. What sort of crazy person calls 10 times in the space of 2 hours????!!!! And if he was so desperate to speak to me, why on earth didn't he do what any sane person would, and leave me a message? I decided then and there that I would NOT be calling him back, as his behaviour was rather frightening and obsessive......

He called another 5 times that day.

And 3 more times the next.

I didn't answer.

Finally, by Day 4, he seemed to have got the message that I wasn't going to pick up the phone and stopped calling. He hasn't called me since. Thank god.

All I can say is that meeting a man who doesn't call AT ALL looked very tempting in comparison.....

Advice Part 37- Why meditation and sleep-deprivation don't mix

To say that I am anxious and stress too much is a bit of an understatement. My mind seems to be always racing, hopping madly from one thought to another....

I would love one of those pensieve gadgets which Dumbledore has in Harry Potter. The said device allows him to siphon off excess thoughts, and stow them away for safekeeping. But I can't see mass-produced pensieves arriving at a supermarket any time soon.....

So, in an effort to slow the racing pace of my mind, I decided to do the next best thing to buying a pensieve, and took up meditation.

My advice to young players is that meditation is all well and good, but it is best to ensure you have slept well the night before. Or be prepared to face the consequences.....

Case in point. After finding a suitable meditation centre, I headed off to my first class.

At 9a.m.

On a Saturday morning.

After I had been out past midnight on Friday.

What the HELL was I thinking?

I somehow managed to drag myself from my bed, and arrived at the meditation centre in time. I set up my mat, "assumed the position" on the floor, and listened while the teacher explained what we would do. Easy, right? WRONG!

No sooner had I closed my eyes, than I began to realise that I was tired. VERY tired. I attempted to focus on my breathing, but I started feeling sleepier and sleepier....

It was only when my somnolent form started tilting precariously towards the floor that I woke up with a start, and realised that I had committed the number one meditation faux pas, and fallen asleep.

Consequently, I spent the rest of the class silently intoning "Don't fall asleep.....DON'T fall asleep.....DON'T FALL ASLEEP!" in an effort to keep my sleep-deprived body upright.

Fortunately, I didn't doze off again. But I think I left the class more stressed than when I arrived.

Advice Part 36- Is there a doctor in the house?

Maybe it's just me, but I know that when I got towards the end of my PhD, I was TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, UTTERLY over the whole process.

The LAST thing I wanted to do was get up in the morning, and spend the entire day writing and re-writing chapters on a topic which had stopped being interesting for me after the first year.....

Seeing as I was bored to tears with my subject, I had to look for another source of motivation. And what could be a better incentive than getting to call myself "Doctor" at the end of it?

My advice to young players is that if, like me, your PhD is not exactly rocking your proverbial world, DO NOT try and inspire yourself by the "I'll get to call myself Doctor" idea.

How do I know this? Because in the 7 months or so that I have been a doctor, I have used the title ONCE. And when I did, I almost got laughed out of town. So I've never done so again.....

Picture the scene. It's a week after I've been awarded my title, and I STILL haven't used it. So I'm on the lookout for ANY opportunity (and I mean ANY .....).

When I received a letter from the gas company asking me to ring them to confirm my account details (my bills always arrived addressed "To the owner"), I thought this was my big chance!

So I called them.

• Gas guy: So, you want to set up an account in your name?
• Me: Yes, please.
• Gas guy: OK, no problems. I just need to grab a few details. What's your first name?
• Me:...............
• Gas guy: And your last name?
• Me:...............
• Gas guy: And so that's "Miss", right?
• Me: No
• Gas guy (trying to be suave): You're not a "Mrs"? You sound too young.
• Me (getting a bit cranky, as he clearly thought I was about 18 years old): No
• Gas guy (pausing): "Ms"?
• Me (starting to enjoy the awkwardness): Nope
• Gas guy (clearly getting worried): Err, you're not a man....Are you? "Mr"?
• Me: No. I'm a "Dr"
• Gas guy (silence, then....): You're joking, right?
• Me: No. I'm not joking. I'm a Dr.
• Gas guy (obviously believing I was mad): Yeah, right. Whatever you say.

After this little "incident", I decided that I wouldn't use the title. But I'm glad to report that my gas bills now arrive addressed to "Dr."

Advice Part 35- Dating Disasters (Episode 3)

Last week's "Find me a date" post was a bit random....But I'm pleased to say that it did have the desired effect of raising interesting dating possibilities. And that, after all, was the aim!

But let's not forget that the "Find me a date"- a-thon was prompted by a particularly negative incident on the so called dating merry-go-round (or "not so merry-go-round", in this case)

Still, I think I can offer some advice from this latest dating disaster, namely, if you are going to date MULTIPLE people at once (which I DO NOT recommend), it is generally prudent to take ALL STEPS not to get caught out....

So, here we go....

On Boxing Day, Hispano-phile that I am, I decided to wander down to Circular Quay to watch the new Almodóvar film. After watching said movie, I headed back to the train station.

I was idly glancing around (as you do), when I noticed a familiar looking bag go past. "Gee, that looks like Mr X's bag" I mused to myself (Mr X being the "gentleman" I had "being seeing" for the past month or so, and who had told me he was "busy" doing "family things" over the Christmas period (this sentence must set some sort of record for the most sets of inverted commas.....)).

Then I took a closer look: "Gee, that IS Mr X!"

I took an even closer look: "He's with a woman. Interesting. Maybe it's his sister?" (naïve, yes)

I took my closest look ever: "Oh, he's PUTTING HIS ARM AROUND THE WOMAN'S WAIST!!!! It's NOT his sister."

Classy.

I was (how do I say this politely?) ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS! So I promptly sent Mr X a message, saying that I had seen him at Circular Quay with another woman, and that I didn't want to hear from him again.

Needless to say, I haven't. But I can REALLY recommend the Almodóvar film. And that, at least, is something.