Advice Part 81- How NOT to complete your PhD

I am probably the LAST person who should be offering tips on completing a PhD, given that I was not exactly what you would call a "model student." However, my advice to young players is that if you're trying to finish your PhD, there's a few things you probably shouldn't be doing. Or at least not if you want to survive with your sanity intact.....

How do I know this? Read on.....

A few months ago, a new staff member (let's call him Edward) moved into the office next to mine. Edward told me he was nearing the final stages of his PhD, and that "if (he) didn't submit by July, (he'd) be kicked out of uni." "How long have you been writing it for?" I inquired, trying to be friendly. Answer: almost 10 years.

This didn't bode well.

However, Edward explained that he was now "REALLY committed" to getting things finished, because he wants to move to Greenland to be a "house husband" for his girlfriend (who met at a bar in Turkey whilst watching the Eurovision song contest- but I digress).

At first I watched Edward's progress with "interest."

Then I watched his "progress" with interest.

And now, I'm not watching at all. It's too depressing.

But with that in mind, let's just say, if you DO want to complete your PhD, you probably SHOULDN'T....

• Take on a full-time job, with a HUGE teaching and marking load, and expect to work full-time on your thesis as well;
• Decide, at 1 a.m. in the morning, that the Introduction chapter, which your supervisor was HAPPY with, needs a TOTAL rewrite;
• Realise, at 6 a.m. the next day, that rewriting the Introduction wasn't such a brilliant idea, and you need to change it back;
• Wait until 2.5 weeks before you hand in before sending your FIRST DRAFT to your supervisor; 
• Go out "relaxing" (i.e. massive drinking binge), and then expect to both start and finish your discussion section the following afternoon (well, at least it wasn't the next morning, I guess.....);
• Neglect to check the date that you're due to submit, and then realise that, hey, it's two weeks earlier than you thought;
• Listen to The Wu-Tang Clan so loud that the whole building shakes, and then maintain that you're "working really hard." 

Sure, everyone's different. And maybe Edward will produce a thesis which sets the academic world on proverbial fire. It will be great if he does. But all I can say is, I have NEVER been more glad that the thesis writing part of my life is done.....

Advice Part 59- Fortune Tellers

I like to think of myself as being a fairly open-minded person. So when a friend suggested going to see a tarot card reader, I thought "Sure, why not?" and gave it a go.

However, my advice to young players is that whilst clairvoyants may provide some rather interesting predictions, it's best to retain a HIGH degree of sceptism when consulting one.....

How do I know this? Read on.....

Five years ago, I was in a "difficult situation." I had decided to apply to do my PhD at Oxford, assuming I had a snowflake's chance in hell of getting accepted. Hence, I almost died of shock when a letter arrived, offering me a place.

"Great!" you may think. "Why was this situation "difficult"?" The answer is that because I didn't get a scholarship, I would have to pay full fees. And let me assure you, the fees at Oxford AREN'T cheap. My parents would have had to lend me the money, and I would have had to work for the rest of my life to pay them back.

But it was OXFORD, for god's sake! My mind was awash with fantasies of scarves, bicycles, old buildings, and gallant gentlemen named Rupert Humphrey-Wittingstall, or some such.....

I mulled for months and months about whether to go or not. And COULD NOT decide.

So, in desperation, I decided to go and see a clairvoyant, who had been recommended by a friend. Yes, I was a bit cynical, but hell, I had one week left to decide, and this was about the only option left.

When I arrived at the clairvoyant's lair, I realised I had made a BIG mistake. For a start, she wasn't in, as she "didn't believe in the concept of time." And when she did finally materialise, in a haze of blue eyeshadow and an aroma of patchouli, she was munching on her lunch, which she proceeded to eat throughout the duration of our session.

 Hmm.

In the course of the session, she hatched two predictions of note (and let me assure you, in an hour long session, two predictions is hardly extraordinary):

• One, that "in the next month, (I) would be undertaking a journey to a foreign land" (which I assumed meant that I would go to Oxford) AND
• Two, that I would meet and marry a "dark man in a long black coat"

Needless to say, she was TOTALLY wrong on the first count- I decided NOT to go to Oxford, and instead stayed in Sydney.

The second prediction is more intriguing. I haven't met any men in long black coats yet, and, judging from the clairvoyant's first prediction, I probably shouldn't get my hopes up. But I'm not going to deny that EVERY TIME I see a man in a black coat go past, I do tend to study him closely....Just in case.

Advice Part 36- Is there a doctor in the house?

Maybe it's just me, but I know that when I got towards the end of my PhD, I was TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, UTTERLY over the whole process.

The LAST thing I wanted to do was get up in the morning, and spend the entire day writing and re-writing chapters on a topic which had stopped being interesting for me after the first year.....

Seeing as I was bored to tears with my subject, I had to look for another source of motivation. And what could be a better incentive than getting to call myself "Doctor" at the end of it?

My advice to young players is that if, like me, your PhD is not exactly rocking your proverbial world, DO NOT try and inspire yourself by the "I'll get to call myself Doctor" idea.

How do I know this? Because in the 7 months or so that I have been a doctor, I have used the title ONCE. And when I did, I almost got laughed out of town. So I've never done so again.....

Picture the scene. It's a week after I've been awarded my title, and I STILL haven't used it. So I'm on the lookout for ANY opportunity (and I mean ANY .....).

When I received a letter from the gas company asking me to ring them to confirm my account details (my bills always arrived addressed "To the owner"), I thought this was my big chance!

So I called them.

• Gas guy: So, you want to set up an account in your name?
• Me: Yes, please.
• Gas guy: OK, no problems. I just need to grab a few details. What's your first name?
• Me:...............
• Gas guy: And your last name?
• Me:...............
• Gas guy: And so that's "Miss", right?
• Me: No
• Gas guy (trying to be suave): You're not a "Mrs"? You sound too young.
• Me (getting a bit cranky, as he clearly thought I was about 18 years old): No
• Gas guy (pausing): "Ms"?
• Me (starting to enjoy the awkwardness): Nope
• Gas guy (clearly getting worried): Err, you're not a man....Are you? "Mr"?
• Me: No. I'm a "Dr"
• Gas guy (silence, then....): You're joking, right?
• Me: No. I'm not joking. I'm a Dr.
• Gas guy (obviously believing I was mad): Yeah, right. Whatever you say.

After this little "incident", I decided that I wouldn't use the title. But I'm glad to report that my gas bills now arrive addressed to "Dr."