Advice Part 82- "So lovely to see you!"

If, like me, you are not exactly a star performer at starting or maintaining romantic relationships, then you may very well have an ex (or two) lurking in your past. And maybe it's just me, but I would like my past relationships to stay EXACTLY there.

In the past.

Not popping up for a "hello" in the present or the future.

If only things were that simple....

My advice for young players is that sooner or later, you are probably going to run into one of your exes (unless, of course, you or s/he moves to Antarctica/becomes an astronaut/or some other similarly unlikely event). And this meeting is likely to be rather uncomfortable, so you had best be prepared.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Last night, I finished work early, so I decided to relax by going to yoga at the studio I have been attending for the last four or so years.

I got changed into my "uniform" of sweaty, smelly pants, and horrible free T-shirt, removed my glasses, and headed up the back of the yoga room to collect a mat. Being semi-blind (and, I will admit, a bit self-absorbed), I didn't really notice any of the other students, until I heard someone say "Hello (insert my name here- not sure why I'm so intent on maintaining the guise of anonymity, as I think everyone who reads this blog knows who I am, but please humour me)."

I looked up to see who the speaker was. It was my ex, the famous Mr X, who I have mentioned previously here and here. Mr X looks quite different now, having grown a beard and some head hair. This only compounded my surprise.

I was absolutely mortified, and muttered a "hello." But (uncharitable though it may be) I was incensed- what the HELL was HE doing in MY yoga class?! OK, OK, it's a free country, and he's at liberty to go to whatever yoga class he wants. I accept that. But there must be at least 10 other classes within a 5 km radius of mine. Why didn't he go to one of them instead? Or even if he wants to go to my yoga school, there's classes on at other times i.e. 6am in the morning. Surely that would be an option? SURELY?

Humph.

Let's just say, having an ex that you REALLY don't like in your yoga class is not exactly conducive to relaxation.....

I spent the first half of the class studiously avoiding looking at him, and hoping that he wasn't watching me doing the downward dog pose with my backside in the air. The second half of the class was no better, as I plotted my best route for leaving the studio ASAP so as to avoid any further conversational opportunities at the communal shoe rack. Shudder.

Maybe I should be more like my mum, who loves socialising with her former fiancé and his wife. But at the moment, I'm just hoping that Mr X finds a new hobby that isn't yoga VERY, VERY soon.

Advice Part 73- Fickle affections

For the past few years (let's not go into exactly how long, suffice to say, it's been a LONG time), I have been single. This has meant that I have spent many a dismal Saturday night staying at home, watching rubbish on TV, and eating ice-cream straight out of the carton.

Good times.

But recently, a miracle transpired. I met a gentleman (who actually LIKES ME!), and this heralded a welcome change in my relationship status.

Whoo hoo!

However, my advice to young players is that whilst it's all well and good to meet someone, it is best to exercise considerable caution lest they become the target of another woman's affections.

Particularly if the other woman is fickle, furry and feline.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Having departed the realm of Eternal Singledom, and managed to sustain a relationship for a few weeks (!!!!), I decided to invite my boyfriend (let's call him Ricardo) over to my house for dinner (and please, no comments about "dessert"- nudge, nudge, wink, wink....).

I was somewhat nervous about introducing Ricardo to my cat, Polly, who tends to be a bit of a relationship barometer. When she met one of my exes, she took one look and ran straight under my bed, where she stayed for the rest of the afternoon. She had the opposite reaction to another ex, refusing to let him out of her sight, and hissing threateningly whenever he approached.

Whilst loath to get all "new agey", I think Polly must have picked up some weird vibes from my exes. Both of them turned out to be BIG mistakes.

Consequently, this time, I resolved to pay more attention to my cat's reaction.

At the appointed hour, Ricardo arrived at my house, and I nervously presented him to Polly. Would she run? Attack? Hiss? Snarl?

Answer- none of the above. Because Polly promptly decided that she liked Ricardo.

This was all well and good, but in the subsequent weeks, I've started to realise that she seems to like HIM more than she likes ME. 

• She RUNS to the door when she hears him knocking (and let me attest, Polly NEVER runs!)
• She meows constantly at him, wanting to be patted. 
• She follows him around, to the extent of parking herself outside the toilet door when he goes in. 
• And when he leaves, she sits where he's been sitting so she can pick up his scent.

Whilst I was glad Polly "approved", I seem to have been usurped in my cat's affections.

And this is something I DON'T like. At the risk of sounding petty and petulant- I was there first!

All I can say is, I really hope Ricardo and I don't break up anytime soon, as I don't know how to cope with a heartbroken cat.

Advice Part 39- Breaking up: things to remember

As Neil Sedaka sang, "breaking up is hard to do" (and if that's not a good excuse to put in a cheesy video clip, I don't know what is.....).

My advice to young players is that whilst ending a relationship with someone is going to be hard, you can make things A LOT easier for all involved if you make sure you have reclaimed ALL of your possessions from them BEFORE you break up.

How do I know this? Read on.....

As you may remember from Dating Disasters (Episode 3) last month, I was, for a time, going out with a man who I shall refer to as "Mr X" (although, to be honest, "going out" is probably a bit too formal a phrase for describing our relationship....anyhow.....)

One day, Mr X came to my place to visit, and when he left, it was raining, so I lent him my umbrella.

Lent being the operative word.

I had totally forgotten about it, until the other day when I was walking through my neighbourhood, and came face-to-face with Mr X (who is now my ex) CARRYING MY UMBRELLA!

I was so discombobulated at seeing him that it was only afterwards that I realised that that was MY PROPERTY which he was nonchalantly toting about.

I was furious.

OK, so it was only a $5 umbrella. And I can easily get a new one. And, as a friend pointed out, a la "if you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it", being umbrella-less was a small sacrifice to make.

But this raises all sorts of confusing questions.....If a $5 umbrella isn't worth bothering about, what about a $50,000 crocodile skin one? And seriously, such a thing exists....

 

Plus, there's the problem of HOW a return of possessions could be accomplished if the two parties aren't speaking to each other....

Still, given my previous success at buying rubbish umbrellas, I expect it will spring a leak sometime soon....