Advice Part 27- Faux pas

Faux pas. I'm sure we've all made a few in our time.......Or, if you're anything like me, MORE than a few.

But whilst faux pas may be (somewhat) amusing when someone else has made them, there are few things more excruciating than making one yourself.

My advice for young players is that if you do happen to make a faux pas, the best thing to do is to try and extricate yourself from the situation ASAP, preferably whilst still maintaining an air of dignity.

How do I know? Read on.....

This afternoon, I gave a paper at a philosophy seminar. There were a number of people there who I didn't know, including an older lady, who I assumed was a mature age student.

So far, so good.

After the presentation, myself and some of the attendees headed to the coffee shop, as is routine. I found myself sitting beside the older lady, and decided to introduce myself:

• Me: Hi, I'm......Nice to meet you.
• Her: I'm .........
• Me: So, are you a post grad student?
• Her: No, I'm not.
• Me: You're doing an undergraduate degree?
• Her: No. I was just interested in the topic, so I decided to come along.
• Me: Great! It must be good having free time to come to these sorts of things. Why not do some study in philosophy? Perhaps an undergrad degree?
• Her: I've already done a fair bit of study in philosophy. I'm on a professorial fellowship.
• Me: (Stunned silence)

At this point, I wanted to shrivel up and die. I mean, fellowships are almost IMPOSSIBLE to get, unless you're a) exceptionally highly qualified;
b) well-known; AND
c) your work is excellent.

And there I was, asking if she was an UNDERGRADUATE? Or if she was just there because she had a free afternoon?

My. God.

If anyone has a "How to identify philosophers in their natural habitat" field guide, I would be VERY pleased to borrow a copy.....

I am keeping my mouth closed until then.

Advice Part 27- Heavy metal

Aah, music! The nectar of life! There are few things more enjoyable than going to a gig to hear some music that  "rocks your (proverbial) world."

My advice to young players is that going to hear new musical styles is all well and good. However, it is best to exercise some degree of caution, particularly if the "new styles" you are listening to are the ABSOLUTE opposite of your usual musical tastes......

Case in point. A few weeks ago, I decided to attend a friend's thrash metal gig at a pub in Sydney. And, as we all know, heavy metal is not exactly "my thing." (ha ha, yes, I know- MASSIVE understatement)

Sure, I've heard of Metallica. And Blind Guardian. And the Utopia Record Store. And I am even aware that Dave Mustaine recently released his autobiography (sorry, that's showing off a bit- although Mustaine is probably a bit "mainstream" for true metal aficionados). But that is the COMPLETE limit of my knowledge.

So let's just say I was a bit dubious about what to expect.....

Unsurprisingly, the metal concert was TOTALLY different to any gig I've attended. I have NEVER been to a concert before where:

• you are scanned with a "metal detector" (ho ho ho....) before being allowed in
• the bouncer won't let you take lollies into the pub "in case they contain illegal substances"
• the gig itself is held in a cold underground "bunker"
• the ability to dance, wave your hair around, and play your instrument simultaneously is a prerequisite for band membership
• there is a removal of shirts (and attachment of nipple tassels) at the end of the show.

Much to my own surprise, I quite ENJOYED the theatrics. Although I still think it's unlikely that you'll see me in the front row of metal shows any time soon.....

(Sorry, couldn't resist these pictures.....)

Advice Part 26- Avoiding photos when you're NOT photogenic

One thing I know only too well is that there are some people who always look AMAZING in photographs.

Even if you catch them from an angle which would be totally unflattering for any mere mortal, they manage to look great. The "camera loves them", so to speak.

I am NOT one of these people. 

Rather, if there was a contest for the least photogenic person on earth, the only serious contenders for the title would be me and my mother (sorry, Mum!).

No matter how hard I try (and trust me, I'm doing my best), in almost every photo I have:

• My eyes closed
• My mouth pulled into a horrible snarly grimace
• My hair flying crazily all over the place.

My advice for young players is that if you, too, are TOTALLY unphotogenic, it is best to develop some (not too) subtle techniques for avoiding the camera.

Here's a few examples from a wedding I attended recently. As we all know, weddings are one event where almost everyone is running around with their photography equipment. This provides a MAJOR challenge for the camera shy......But, as these photos "of me" show, it is possible to (almost) avoid having your picture taken! This can be accomplished by:

1.  Hiding on the edge of the photo (that's me in the pink spotty skirt....)

 2. Concealing yourself behind a tall gentleman in a purple shirt

3. Making good use of an umbrella (that's me closest to the camera).

However, if all this fails, and you simply CANNOT avoid having your photo taken, there is always the "back turning" option, as I am illustrating here at another party:

And no, I am NOT ready for my close up, Mr DeMille.....

Advice Part 25- Leg waxing

Aah, October. Summer is finally just around the corner.....

• Daylight saving is here. 
• The electric blanket and quilt have been put away.
• The "sweat towel" is now a necessary yoga accessory.
• And shorter skirts are looking like a very real possibility. 

But this can only mean one thing.....the dreaded LEG WAX!

My advice for young players is that if you MUST subject yourself to this experience, it is best to realise that it is likely to be both painful and VERY awkward.....

Case in point. Last Friday, it was about 30 degrees, and I felt very tempted to wear a skirt. However, glancing down at my legs, I saw they were covered with horrible, thick black hair.

NOT attractive.

Hence, I gathered my courage and rang up the beautician to book in for that afternoon.

For those who have never had their legs waxed, there are few things more humiliating. After removing (most of) your clothes, and donning the obligatory gown, you lie there on the bed, listening to the "soothing" music, whilst the beautician drips scorching hot wax on your thighs, then RIPS it off, taking the hairs with it.

This process continues for around 20 minutes.

But the most bizarre part of the whole waxing experience is that whilst you are being subjected to these indignities, you are also expected to carry on a "relaxed" conversation with the beautician about topics such as how busy you are at work, what you're doing at the weekend, and how your Spanish lessons are going.

This is almost IMPOSSIBLE when you're trying not to yelp in pain.

Winter, long pants, and radical feminism suddenly seem much more appealing.....

Advice Part 24- Job Interviews

If I were to construct a list of "things which scare the proverbial living daylights out of me", job interviews would be Number 1.

No contest.

My advice for young players is that if you are invited to a job interview, TRY to keep your nervousness under control.....And work out IN ADVANCE who you are going to look at.....

Case in point. A few weeks ago, I went to a job interview at a university. This was my first interview for an academic position.

To say I was anxious is putting it mildly. VERY mildly. And that was before I even reached the interview......

And, let me assure you, my nervousness was turned up to 11 (note Spin̈al Tap reference) when I entered the room to "meet the panel."

Perhaps it's just me, but I regard interview panels as the thumb screws of the interview torture chamber....(how's that for a creative metaphor?). My BIG problem is that I never know who to look at:

• the person who asked the question?
• the other panel members?
• no one?
• everyone?

Consequently, I found my head spinning around like a top. Or one of those clowns at the fun fair where you have to put the ball in their mouth.

And, to make matters worse, I was also trying to sound:

• intelligent
• interesting AND
• confident

Needless to say, I didn't get the job.

But at least my neck got more exercise in those 15 minutes than it has in years.

Advice Part 23- Dating a particular "type"

One thing which has ALWAYS puzzled me is the realisation that a lot of people tend to habitually go out with a particular "type" of partner.

Their current partner looks just like their former partner, who looks just like the person they went out with before that. And you can bet your bottom dollar that if their current relationship breaks up, it is likely that their new paramour will be a mirror image of the person they are with at the moment.....

My advice to young players is that if you are in this group, and have a particular "type", it is probably a good idea to expand your horizons (at least every now and again!)

How do I know this? Because I, unfortunately, am in the "type" group.

For some BIZARRE reason (and I quite literally have NO IDEA why), I tend have a strange fascination for men with:

• Brown hair
• Brown eyes
• Glasses

(Laugh all you like, but yes, I do think Greg Combet is attractive....)

This concerns me, because I don't like to think of myself as being shallow or appearance focused. But I do find that I am naturally drawn towards men who look like this.....(Although, let me just add, I very often change my evaluation of people after speaking to them- so never fear!)

And I don't think I'm the only one with such preferences. I have a friend who likes men with red hair. And my uncle's last three girlfriends were virtually identical.

All I can say is that I hope not everyone has a "type", as I think it is VERY unlikely that anyone's "type" is going to be women with short frizzy hair and glasses!

Advice Part 22- "Heavy breathers" at yoga

If you're anything like me, when you hear the word "yoga", you probably imagine blissful scenes, where your body effortlessly moves into the poses, and you find yourself adrift on an ocean of endless tranquility, with the only sounds to be heard being sonorous "oooohhhhmmmmms."

Unfortunately, the reality is likely to be VERY different if you find yourself in a class with a "heavy breather."

This particular kind of yogic animal breathes normally before and after class. However, for some inexplicable reason, they insist on DELIBERATELY breathing with MAXIMUM sound effects throughout the duration of the lesson, just to let everyone hear how "in control of their breath" they are.

My advice to young players is that if there is such an individual in your yoga class, it is STRONGLY advisable to keep as far away as possible (or change your class) if you want to experience ANY peace.

How do I know this? Read on.....

This week, I decided to head to yoga to "de-stress" one evening. I set up my mat on my favourite carpet square, lay back, and prepared to relax......

But I soon realised that this was going to be IMPOSSIBLE, as I had a "heavy breather" opposite me.

Whenever the teacher directed us to "inhale", the "heavy breather" would make a loud whooshing sound, as though they was gasping for their last breath. It was even worse on the "exhales", which were accompanied by an earsplitting "aaaaahhhhhh", that would  have put tennis grunter Monica Seles to shame.

This continued for the ENTIRE CLASS.

And with every dramatic breath, I found myself getting angrier and angrier, and closer and closer to yelling out "For goodness' sake, can't you just breathe NORMALLY? We don't want to hear you huff and puff!"

Suffice to say, I left the class feeling more stressed than when I'd arrived.....

Next time, I'm taking my ear plugs.