Advice Part 98- If you like big butts

There are few things more positive for the self-esteem than receiving a sincere compliment from a random stranger. It takes considerable courage to approach somebody you don't know, and tell them that you like their hair/shoes/bag/new shirt.

But my advice to young players is that there are some things you should NOT comment on. No matter how admirable they are. And one of these things is a person's bottom.

How do I know this? Read on....

Yesterday, I was heading home after my yoga class. As I couldn't be bothered getting changed for the short train ride back, I headed to the station in my yoga attire (consisting of a very long, very unsexy T-shirt and saggy baggy pants-NOT like these).

I have done this at least a hundred times before with no issues, and I didn't expect anything this time, either.

Big mistake.

All was fine and dandy until I heard uproarious sniggering behind me. Looking around, I saw two guys in their early twenties laughing their heads off, and pointing at my backside. When they saw me watching them, one immediately burst into a rousing rendition of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby got back."

Sample lyrics- "I like big butts and I cannot lie" and "I want them real thick and juicy." The singing was sporadically interrupted by huge snorts of laughter and cries of "shake it", directed towards me.

I was FURIOUS. 

HOW DARE THEY MAKE FUN OF MY BUM?????!!!!!! MY bum! My BUM! MY BUM!!! (etc etc)

Certainly, it could be argued that Sir Mix-a-Lot (the Shakespeare of our modern age, perhaps?) presents a rather, err, positive view of round backsides. And by singing it at me, perhaps the young knights at Newtown station wished to convey their appreciation of my rump in the only way they knew how?

OK, I don't dispute this. However, what this comment fails to acknowledge is that Sir Mix-a-Lot's tale of booty is directed at women with VERY LARGE backsides. And I most certainly don't like strangers at the station pointing out to all and sundry that I have a fat bum. Even if I do. Comparatively speaking.

Instead of "shak(ing) that healthy butt", as my fans exhorted me, I promptly sat down to block their view of my notable posterior, and gave them my very own patented death stare.

That put an end to that.

All I can say is, if you do like big butts, you don't have to lie. But maybe keep your opinions to yourself at the station.

(P.S. This video is great. Check out the lady dancing from 2:46 onward!)

Advice Part 82- "So lovely to see you!"

If, like me, you are not exactly a star performer at starting or maintaining romantic relationships, then you may very well have an ex (or two) lurking in your past. And maybe it's just me, but I would like my past relationships to stay EXACTLY there.

In the past.

Not popping up for a "hello" in the present or the future.

If only things were that simple....

My advice for young players is that sooner or later, you are probably going to run into one of your exes (unless, of course, you or s/he moves to Antarctica/becomes an astronaut/or some other similarly unlikely event). And this meeting is likely to be rather uncomfortable, so you had best be prepared.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Last night, I finished work early, so I decided to relax by going to yoga at the studio I have been attending for the last four or so years.

I got changed into my "uniform" of sweaty, smelly pants, and horrible free T-shirt, removed my glasses, and headed up the back of the yoga room to collect a mat. Being semi-blind (and, I will admit, a bit self-absorbed), I didn't really notice any of the other students, until I heard someone say "Hello (insert my name here- not sure why I'm so intent on maintaining the guise of anonymity, as I think everyone who reads this blog knows who I am, but please humour me)."

I looked up to see who the speaker was. It was my ex, the famous Mr X, who I have mentioned previously here and here. Mr X looks quite different now, having grown a beard and some head hair. This only compounded my surprise.

I was absolutely mortified, and muttered a "hello." But (uncharitable though it may be) I was incensed- what the HELL was HE doing in MY yoga class?! OK, OK, it's a free country, and he's at liberty to go to whatever yoga class he wants. I accept that. But there must be at least 10 other classes within a 5 km radius of mine. Why didn't he go to one of them instead? Or even if he wants to go to my yoga school, there's classes on at other times i.e. 6am in the morning. Surely that would be an option? SURELY?

Humph.

Let's just say, having an ex that you REALLY don't like in your yoga class is not exactly conducive to relaxation.....

I spent the first half of the class studiously avoiding looking at him, and hoping that he wasn't watching me doing the downward dog pose with my backside in the air. The second half of the class was no better, as I plotted my best route for leaving the studio ASAP so as to avoid any further conversational opportunities at the communal shoe rack. Shudder.

Maybe I should be more like my mum, who loves socialising with her former fiancé and his wife. But at the moment, I'm just hoping that Mr X finds a new hobby that isn't yoga VERY, VERY soon.

Advice Part 22- "Heavy breathers" at yoga

If you're anything like me, when you hear the word "yoga", you probably imagine blissful scenes, where your body effortlessly moves into the poses, and you find yourself adrift on an ocean of endless tranquility, with the only sounds to be heard being sonorous "oooohhhhmmmmms."

Unfortunately, the reality is likely to be VERY different if you find yourself in a class with a "heavy breather."

This particular kind of yogic animal breathes normally before and after class. However, for some inexplicable reason, they insist on DELIBERATELY breathing with MAXIMUM sound effects throughout the duration of the lesson, just to let everyone hear how "in control of their breath" they are.

My advice to young players is that if there is such an individual in your yoga class, it is STRONGLY advisable to keep as far away as possible (or change your class) if you want to experience ANY peace.

How do I know this? Read on.....

This week, I decided to head to yoga to "de-stress" one evening. I set up my mat on my favourite carpet square, lay back, and prepared to relax......

But I soon realised that this was going to be IMPOSSIBLE, as I had a "heavy breather" opposite me.

Whenever the teacher directed us to "inhale", the "heavy breather" would make a loud whooshing sound, as though they was gasping for their last breath. It was even worse on the "exhales", which were accompanied by an earsplitting "aaaaahhhhhh", that would  have put tennis grunter Monica Seles to shame.

This continued for the ENTIRE CLASS.

And with every dramatic breath, I found myself getting angrier and angrier, and closer and closer to yelling out "For goodness' sake, can't you just breathe NORMALLY? We don't want to hear you huff and puff!"

Suffice to say, I left the class feeling more stressed than when I'd arrived.....

Next time, I'm taking my ear plugs.