Advice Part 100- Psychic coffee

I can hardly believe I have reached 100 posts on this blog, which started out as a way for me to fill in a Saturday night when I was home alone. I was going to do something "special" for the centenary, but a complete lack of motivation and creativity has unfortunately put paid to that. But hey, it's not every day you reach the big 1-0-0!

Anyway, enough of that....

Today's post sees us return to the psychic realm, a sphere I visited on a previous occasion. I would like to report that this particular visit was more illuminating. But that would be a lie. With this in mind, my advice to young players is that if you are offered a "psychic coffee cup reading", approach with a good dose of skepticism. If you approach at all.

How do I know this? Read on....

Yesterday afternoon, I was a bit bored, and so I decided to go on a little excursion to Newtown. I dandered along south King St, and resolved to partake of a coffee in a cafe I have visited previously, and rather enjoyed.

All was going well until I took a seat, and was approached by the psychic coffee cup reader, who apparently has a regular gig at the cafe on a Sunday afternoon. Said psychic offered his services. I declined. But...well....

• I was the only person in the cafe. 
• The psychic was bored. 
• So was I. 
• He was offering a cheap rate. 
• He has a 90% success rate (ho ho ho....I must have been in the other 10%). 
• And (perhaps most tellingly) Air was playing. On vinyl. Say no more.

One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was on the psychic couch, coffee cup upturned, spirit guides being summoned.

So. What did the psychic see? A variety of things....

1. That I work in a job "with a lot of paper and filing." Wrong. I USED to work as a filing clerk, but that was 8 years ago, and I'd hardly call it a "momentous experience."

2. I am "very close to my younger sister." Wrong. I don't have any siblings. The psychic tried to salvage this erroneous inference, by asking if my mother had had a miscarriage of a female foetus. Right.....

3. I am single. Wrong. Been in a relationship for 2 years. Although I guess the fact that I was in the cafe by myself on a Sunday afternoon might have given that impression.
4. I am a lesbian. Wrong again. Although he wasn't the first to make that mistake, as I've mentioned before. He tried to backstep here by saying that my partner must have "a lot of feminine energy." "Do you mean long hair?" I asked. This remark was not looked upon favourably.

5. My vitamin intake is inadequate. I didn't realise that spirit guides also offered medical advice! And there was I, stupidly consulting doctors for years!
6. I am going to marry a man called either James or Nick. I'm not sure how this fits in with me apparently being a lesbian, but I let that slide. The only Jameses I know are my uncle (let's NOT go there) and my friend's husband (or there, either). And I don't know any Nicks. But I do recall that a friend wanted to set me up with a guy of this name....Perhaps I missed my chance?!

So there you go. I am most intrigued to see what happens. And if your name is James or Nick, I would advise you to run.

Advice Part 61- "Witty" banter

There are few things I enjoy more than going down to the local cafe every afternoon to get my obligatory skinny flat white. However, since I have become a "regular" (i.e. someone who doesn't have to say their order, because the barista knows exactly what I'll be having), this pleasant interlude has taken on a more stressful vibe.

Why? Two words. Witty. Banter.

My advice for young players is that it is all well and good being friendly with your local cafe folk, but just be aware of the risks of venturing into "banter territory."

How do I know this? Read on....

A few months ago, I started working in a new place. And naturally, one of the first things I did was to find a purveyor of caffeinated beverages near my place of employment.

In choosing a new cafe, these are the criteria I used:

• Coffee tastes good i.e. barista actually knows what they're doing.
• Reasonable price. No more than $3 for take-away.
• No more than 5 minutes walk from work
• Attractive staff

Anyway, after a lengthy process which entailed my visiting four potential "locals", I made my decision.

All was fine and dandy at first. Until the regular barista decided that I was "banter-able."

The following conversation now tends to ensue with unfortunate regularity....

• Barista (grinning): Sooooooo, how's your day going, my dear?
• Me (pretending to be absorbed in the newspaper): Err, alright
• Barista: Only alright? That's not what I want to hear.
• Me (trying desperately to think of something witty): Yes, well.....(having a brain wave) How's your day going?
• Barista: Oh, you know. Better now you're here, ha ha!
• Me (trying to look "flattered"): Hmm. Yes. Well. Thanks (Frantically searching for smart quips in deepest depths of brain). Hey, why aren't you wearing your favourite hat today?
• Barista: I have to give the brain a bit of air. Do you like me better with my hat? I always like to please the ladies, you know (big wink)
• Me: Erm.....

This sort of "banter" occurs EVERY DAY now. Although it's even worse on Mondays and Fridays, when I have to endure some "witticisms" about my weekend.

And it drives me mental!

I'm all for a bit of small talk, but this sort of exchange leaves me totally floored. I have NO IDEA what to say, as my organ of wit seems to have shriveled and died.

If it ever existed in the first place.....

Advice Part 47- Coffee

As we all know, it is difficult to avoid the barrage of government advertising warning us of the dangers of consuming cigarettes and alcohol. Cigarette packets are emblazoned with such "subtle" messages as "smoking kills", whilst alcohol ads have the obligatory "enjoy responsibly" on the bottom.

But this got me thinking.....if the government is so concerned about preventing the imbibing of "dangerous" and "addictive" substances, then surely they should also be putting warnings on coffee shops....

Shouldn't they?????

My advice to young players is that you should approach coffee with caution, as you may soon find yourself with an expensive habit....

How do I know this? Read on....

I had my first cup of coffee when I was about 15, and HATED it. This was probably because it was instant coffee, brewed in my parents' abode, but whatever the reason, I loathed the taste, and couldn't understand what the fuss was about.

But 4 years later, I decided to try it again, and found it much more palatable. I subsequently developed a once a week coffee habit.

Then once a day.

Then twice a day.

Then (in the deepest, darkest months of thesis writing) up to four times a day.

Oh dear.

As I was purchasing all of my coffee at cafes, this habit was VERY expensive, and during the worst of my addiction, I was spending well over $50 a week on my caffeine consumption.

So I tried to give up. But after 3 days of headaches, jitters, and massive withdrawal symptoms, I was soon back at the cafe, gagging for my caffeine fix.

I'm now down to one or two cups a day, which is at least within the bounds of affordability. But if someone decides to invent caffeine patches, to wean oneself off the demon liquid, please let me know!

Advice Part 5- Coffee "dates"

An invitation to coffee....it seems innocent, right? Err, no....

My advice for all the single young players out there is that BEFORE you agree to meet up with someone for coffee, make sure that their definition of "meeting for coffee" is the same as your definition.....

When I invite someone to meet up for coffee, what this means is:

• I like the person's company
• I would like to engage in further conversation with them
• I think it would be a nice idea to share such a conversation over a hot beverage.

However, I have come to discover that some people interpret "meeting up for coffee" as meaning:

• I fancy the person
• I want to go on a date with them
• I am too shy to simply invite them back to my place, so asking them out for a coffee is my idea of a "come on"

Case in point. Last year, I was attending a seminar at work, and I began chatting to a 50-something man in the break. He seemed nice, and so I vaguely suggested we meet up for coffee sometime.

BIG mistake.

He obviously believed that I fancied the pants off him, and sent me an email asking me to the opera, and inquiring if we could "take our relationship to the next level."

Our RELATIONSHIP?!

The NEXT level?!

And the OPERA?!

I don't know which of these three things horrified me the most, to be honest.

There followed a very awkward email in which I informed him that I was NOT interested in a relationship with him, and that I had just wanted a coffee.

In future, I shall be drinking my caffeinated beverages ALONE.