Advice Part 7- Dating disasters (Episode 1)

Bad dates. Where to start?

I'm sure everyone has been on a few in their time. Or is it just me?

My advice for young players is that if you are picking up "warning signs" that your date may not be going all that well, it's best to cut your losses, and conclude said meeting ASAP.

Preferably whilst you still have SOME self-respect left.

My worst ever date (so far!) was with a guy I met at a costume party. I gave him my number at the end of the night, and he contacted me 2 days later, suggesting we meet up for a drink.

Promising. VERY promising.

But I ignored

• Warning Sign 1- his disclosure that "he had a lot on his plate and his mind at the moment" AND
• Warning Sign 2- the fact that I didn't even recognise him at the pub, because he wasn't in fancy dress (yes, it gets worse than this, though.....) AND
• Warning Sign 3- his disclosure that his mum had been married five times (although I guess the fact that she hadn't exceeded Elizabeth Taylor's tally was one thing in her favour....)

But I DID pick up

• Warning Sign 4 (although this wasn't a warning sign, so much as an emergency alert)- his declaration that he was "actually seeing someone at the moment", but not to worry, as he wanted to invite me to be his OFFICIAL BACK-UP OPTION.

My. God.

And, to make matters worse, he thought I may be SERIOUSLY tempted to be his " official second choice" girlfriend (I wonder if he had a few "unofficial" back-ups, too?).

The date ended soon after. VERY soon after.

Advice Part 6- Head massages

Who goes to a hairdresser just to get their hair cut? Certainly not me.

For me, a haircut is simply an accompaniment to the main event, namely the obligatory shampoo and HEAD MASSAGE.....

My advice to young players is that when choosing a hairdressing salon, consider not only their ability to cut your hair, but also their skills in the scalp massaging arena. And hell, do I know this from experience.....

I've been to the same salon for a couple of years, and am reasonably happy with the way they cut my hair. Well, as happy as I can be, given the curly mess on my head.

But all this changed when I met Apprentice Alex, the Head Massage King. My satisfaction increased a thousand fold.

I can honestly say that I have NEVER met a man or woman so skilled in the shampooing arena. Evidence:

• He made sure the water was the right temperature (!) by asking me (!!)
• He didn't "accidentally" squirt any down the back of my neck (!!!),
• He didn't engage in any inane conversation (!!!!)

And this guy's massage technique was FANTASTIC! Not too wimpy; not too tough; not too short; not too long (although I don't think it's possible to have a "too long" head massage).

I had found nirvana.... The human equivalent of the Orgasmatron....

I suddenly "needed" to get my hair cut every 4 weeks. Until Alex left the salon a few months later.

But I still hold out hope of finding his equivalent!

Advice Part 5- Coffee "dates"

An invitation to coffee....it seems innocent, right? Err, no....

My advice for all the single young players out there is that BEFORE you agree to meet up with someone for coffee, make sure that their definition of "meeting for coffee" is the same as your definition.....

When I invite someone to meet up for coffee, what this means is:

• I like the person's company
• I would like to engage in further conversation with them
• I think it would be a nice idea to share such a conversation over a hot beverage.

However, I have come to discover that some people interpret "meeting up for coffee" as meaning:

• I fancy the person
• I want to go on a date with them
• I am too shy to simply invite them back to my place, so asking them out for a coffee is my idea of a "come on"

Case in point. Last year, I was attending a seminar at work, and I began chatting to a 50-something man in the break. He seemed nice, and so I vaguely suggested we meet up for coffee sometime.

BIG mistake.

He obviously believed that I fancied the pants off him, and sent me an email asking me to the opera, and inquiring if we could "take our relationship to the next level."

Our RELATIONSHIP?!

The NEXT level?!

And the OPERA?!

I don't know which of these three things horrified me the most, to be honest.

There followed a very awkward email in which I informed him that I was NOT interested in a relationship with him, and that I had just wanted a coffee.

In future, I shall be drinking my caffeinated beverages ALONE.

Advice Part 4-Careers

(A big thanks to Anais for the idea of this post!)

My approach towards my "career" (if you can call it that) has been somewhat, err, shambolic. The idea of a 5 DAY plan, let alone a 5 YEAR plan, is enough to give me the horrors....

My advice to young players is.....it may be good to have SOME sort of plan for what you want to do. But if you don't, things can still turn out OK!

Case in point. How did I end up doing my PhD in philosophy?

• Did I have a fascination with the subject from the age of 3? Umm, no.
• Did I study the Mind and Morality unit for the HSC? Nope, 'fraid not.
• Did I read Aristotle's works for fun in high school (seriously, I know someone who did do this- although I must admit, I don't quite believe them)? No, no, no!
• Were my parents philosophy academics? Nope. Dad's a courier; mum's an accountant.

The way that I ended up in philosophy was much less romantic than that. Unfortunately.

I was enrolling in my BA, with the intention of becoming a psychologist. I had one spare first year unit, so I figured "What the hell?", and opted for philosophy. I liked the subject, but I was never AMAZING at it- I always did MUCH better in psych. It was only when I was doing psych Honours, and enduring lectures on such fascinating topics as multiple linear regression (trust me, it's as fun as it sounds....i.e. not very) that I realised that I missed philosophy.

I missed it terribly.

Really, really, REALLY terribly.

Such that my entire psych Honours year was spent planning my escape.

After that, I accepted that resistance was futile. Philosophy was "the go", so to speak.

And I don't regret it for a second.

Advice Part 3- Dancing

Aah, dancing.

The bane of my existence....

My advice to young players is to start early and often. And make sure you learn dances which are actually useful. Otherwise, you run the risk of looking like a monumental berk the second you "hit the dancefloor". This is NOT a good thing. Trust me. I know.

My first experience of dancing was in primary school, when we were obliged to practice the "heel and toe polka" every week. Being typical 5 and 6 year olds, contact with the opposite gender was a definite "no go", and I remember putting on  gloves so that I wouldn't have to touch a boy's hands and get "boy's germs" (no returns).

In high school, we moved from polkas to ballroom dancing. And the awkwardness level moved up a notch (or two....or three....) as we tried to keep out 16 year old infatuations to ourselves when choosing a dance partner. In a bizarre twist of fate, I was asked to dance by not one, not 2, but 3 guys in the first lesson. But I expect this had more to do with the fact that there were twice as many guys as girls in my class, rather than because of my "irresistable sex appeal" (stop laughing, it's not THAT funny!).

Unfortunately, the school syllabus did not include learning how to dance at a bar, club or party.  Consequently, whilst I may be able to whip out a mean polka or waltz, these skills have not exactly come in handy when socialising. So next time you see me at a nightclub (ha ha ha!) and I've suddenly "sprained my ankle", you'll know why. But take me to the polka club....and there's no stopping me!

Advice Part 2- Costume drama drama

(Or why the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice should be R-rated...My advice to young players- if you are prone to excessive romantic fantasies, DO NOT WATCH!)

Colin Firth has A LOT to answer for.

I was a mere 15 years of age when the BBC released the definitive televisual version of Pride and Prejudice, starring Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth. Having no experience of costume drama (and even less of the "art of love"), this particular production knocked my proverbial socks off.


I would sit breathlessly, waiting for Sunday night and the next episode to be shown (look, this was before the days of internet downloading!). I taped each episode on my parents' VCR (yes, yes, laugh all you like- technological dark ages, here we come), and watched it repeatedly throughout the week.

I was obsessed. That's putting it mildly.....

Unfortunately, excessive exposure to costume drama may have a negative impact on the adolescent mind. More precisely, watching Colin Firth

• riding around on a horse
• casting sultry glances over the piano (sigh!)
• making declarations along the lines of "allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you" (double sigh!) AND
• emerging from a pond in a dripping white shirt (triple sigh!)

has REALLY affected what I look for in a potential partner.

Sadly, there are very few horseriding gentlemen in my circle. But if you know of any, please inform them that I would be glad to make their acquaintance, and invite them over for tea and cucumber sandwiches....

Advice Part 1- Drinking

It will not come as a surprise to many, but in my 30 years of life, I have managed to gain ample experience in the consumption of alcoholic beverages. In the course of my indulgences, and after a few too many "what on EARTH happened last night?" moments, I have compiled the following pieces of drinking advice....

1. Do NOT, I repeat NOT, mix your drinks! This can only lead to disaster. Beer + wine + cocktails = massive mess. If drinking wine, do not mix red and white if possible.
2. Avoid cocktails. Especially if said cocktails are made by a friend with limited bar tending experience, and a liking for exotic ingredients.
3. If drinking cocktails, do not catch the bus home! Particularly if the bus route is long and windy and the driver is veering all over the road.
4. If drinking cocktails, and catching the bus home, make sure you have a bag handy in case you feel ill. Preferably NOT your handbag.
5. If drinking cocktails, and catching the bus home, and having had an accident with the handbag, do NOT put said hangbag and its contents (including mobile phone) in the washing machine.
6. If drinking cocktails, and catching the bus home, and having had an accident with the handbag and the washing machine, do not then take handbag to the dry cleaners. Or tell your mum what happened.

Welcome!

So.
This is my first attempt at writing a blog. And why am I doing so?

• Because I'm bored at home on a Saturday night? Well, yes.....(This song is eerily apt-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7yZH-SZKdg)
• Because the best thing on TV at the moment is "The Great Food Truck Race"? Well, yes to that, too....
• Because I have a conference presentation to write for next Monday, and I can't be bothered doing it?OK, OK, I admit it!

Anyway, hopefully this will be fun, and maybe someone else will get something out of it! Please feel free to comment and email me if you do/don't like it.