Advice Part 50- Why you should go to the movies at midday

So, with the end of part time work (and all the pleasures that that entails) almost upon me, I have come to reflect upon what I will REALLY miss.

And, I hate to admit it, but top of my list is that I won't be able to go to the movies at 11a.m. or thereabouts.........

Sad, I know.

My advice to young players is that if you have the opportunity to go to the cinema during the week, in the middle of the day, avail yourself of this chance, as it is IMMENSELY more enjoyable than fighting the masses on the weekend.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Today, as I didn't have too much to do (besides a stats report and a whole lot of qualitative analysis- but we won't mention that at the present.....) I decided to go to the movies. I checked the paper, and there was a session showing at 1:15pm. Bonus!

What's so good about watching movies in the middle of the day? Where do I start?!

Because most people are at work, the cinema is likely to be pretty empty. 10 people is a BIG session. This means that you can sit where you want, and have lots of space to yourself.

Due to the fact that the midday movie demographic tends to be older, there usually aren't too many chronic texters in the audience (although that's not to say there's never any!)

• If you are clever in choosing your days, you can usually get cheap tickets.
• You don't have to line up for ages to buy your ticket/go to the bathroom/sample the delights of the "candy bar"
• If, like me, you often go to the movies BY YOURSELF (shock, horror!), you won't feel like a social pariah, as almost everyone else there is similarly solo. Unlike on Saturday night, where turning up by yourself is, err, rather rare.
• Maybe it's just me, but I tend to fall asleep REALLY easily when I go to the movies at night. But if I go at, say, 12 noon, I'm feeling full of verve and vigour!

OK, so I sound about a hundred years old writing this. And I'm not going to refuse an evening trip to the cinema. But I'm also not going to say no if someone wants to head off to see a film at 10a.m......

Advice Part 49- Rom Com clichés....

I would like to think of my taste in films as being sophisticated and worldly. But every so often, I engage in a bit of cinematic mind candy in the form of romantic comedies, or "rom coms."

Any credibility I may have had has just been obliterated, I know.

But in the process of my rom com watching, I have started to notice that many of these films have an eerie sense of similarity about them, and almost invariably contain a "Hotel Room Mishap".

My advice to young players is, if you are ever in the position of writing a rom com, whatever you do, DON'T include a Hotel Room Mishap scene!

So, you may be asking, what exactly does a Hotel Room Mishap involve? Ask no more!

• The rom com couple, let's call them Mr A (typically played by Ryan Reynolds, Jake Gyllenhaal, or similar) and Ms B (think Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, Meg Ryan), meet.
• Although they clearly fancy the pants off each other, there is some impediment to their getting together (such as- Mr A is dating Ms B's best friend; Ms B is Mr A's boss; Mr A is training for the priesthood).
• There is a significant amount of Unresolved Sexual Tension (UST).

• For some reason (work conference, friend's wedding), Mr A and Ms B are required to go to another city for a period.
• And stay the night.
• But when they rock up to the hotel, there has been a mistake (!). Instead of booking two separate rooms, they have been booked to stay in THE SAME ROOM (!!). And, surprise surprise, there are no extra single rooms available (!!!). And there's only ONE BED in the room (!!!!)

• Mr A gallantly offers to sleep on the floor or couch, but circumstances transpire (e.g. the bathroom floods and wets the floor; Mr A has too much to drink) so that he and Ms B have to share the bed.
• Sexual tension is resolved.

OK, so this set up can be "amusing", especially if a Shower Mishap Scene (where Ms B stumbles on Mr A in the shower, or vice versa) is included, too.

But SURELY there is some other way of getting the couple into a bed together than ENDLESSLY repeating this same old scene?

Or am I expecting too much?

Advice Part 48- Buying concert tickets

So, if you are anything like me, you will sporadically feel the urge to spend an insane amount of money going to see your preferred "artistes" perform. And there's nothing wrong with that. Far from it.

However, my advice to young players is that actually obtaining tickets to said concerts tends to be a torturous process, and that it is best to prepare yourself for hours of frustration.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Last week, I was thrilled to discover that PRINCE will be touring Australia this year. And, naturally, I was keen to go. Yes, I like Prince- laugh all you like, but who can resist a pint-sized gentleman in bizarre attire singing suggestive songs?

Tickets went on sale this morning at 9 a.m.

In the good old days, if you wanted to ensure you got good concert tickets, you would sleep outside the ticket office overnight, ready to storm the counter the second it opened.

But the internet changed all that. And NOT for the better.....

At 8:55a.m. this morning, I jumped online, and prepared to buy my ticket. Easy, right? WRONG!

Because everyone else on the entire planet seemed to have the same idea, the server crashed, and I couldn't get on. Then, when I finally did manage to reach the website, I was put in a "ticket queue" for an interminable time (as I had to wait for other people to Gett Off- ha ha, note song lyric reference?).

When I eventually reached the correct page at 9:45a.m., a second show had just been announced, which meant a new flurry of activity, and the website slowing down even more. Bloody hell.

It was 10a.m. before bought my ticket.

Right up the back.

During this time I had gained another ten grey hairs, further reducing my chances of Prince one day asking me to be his back up dancer (that is a joke, OK).

But let me assure you, when I get to the concert, I'm going to party like it's 1999 (sorry, that was REALLY bad).

Advice Part 47- Coffee

As we all know, it is difficult to avoid the barrage of government advertising warning us of the dangers of consuming cigarettes and alcohol. Cigarette packets are emblazoned with such "subtle" messages as "smoking kills", whilst alcohol ads have the obligatory "enjoy responsibly" on the bottom.

But this got me thinking.....if the government is so concerned about preventing the imbibing of "dangerous" and "addictive" substances, then surely they should also be putting warnings on coffee shops....

Shouldn't they?????

My advice to young players is that you should approach coffee with caution, as you may soon find yourself with an expensive habit....

How do I know this? Read on....

I had my first cup of coffee when I was about 15, and HATED it. This was probably because it was instant coffee, brewed in my parents' abode, but whatever the reason, I loathed the taste, and couldn't understand what the fuss was about.

But 4 years later, I decided to try it again, and found it much more palatable. I subsequently developed a once a week coffee habit.

Then once a day.

Then twice a day.

Then (in the deepest, darkest months of thesis writing) up to four times a day.

Oh dear.

As I was purchasing all of my coffee at cafes, this habit was VERY expensive, and during the worst of my addiction, I was spending well over $50 a week on my caffeine consumption.

So I tried to give up. But after 3 days of headaches, jitters, and massive withdrawal symptoms, I was soon back at the cafe, gagging for my caffeine fix.

I'm now down to one or two cups a day, which is at least within the bounds of affordability. But if someone decides to invent caffeine patches, to wean oneself off the demon liquid, please let me know!

Advice Part 46- Taxi Drivers

On my Spanish sojourn, I have frequently had a large distance to travel from the bus/train stop to my hotel. Consequently, I have had ample recourse to make use of providores of personal automotive services.

Otherwise known as "taxi drivers."

My advice to young players is that taxi drivers are an unusual species, and are best approached with considerable caution.

How do I know this? Read on....

On Friday, I wanted to catch a taxi from Granada train station to the city centre, a distance of about 3km. I flagged down a cab, mumbled my destination in my (VERY poor Spanish), and off we went.

I imagined that it would be a fast and stress-free journey.

Not so.

My driver was one of those gentlemen who LOVE to chat. He opened by commenting on the hot weather, to which I gave a non-committal reply. Then he moved on to asking me about where I had been with my suitcase.

At this stage, I told him that I couldn´t speak (much) Spanish, which I assumed would stop the barrage.

But no. If anything, it just made him talk MORE. All I had to do was stay awake, and nod occasionally, and he seemed delighted. I guess having a captive audience, especially one who couldn´t disagree with him, was ideal.

Consequently, on the ten minute trip, I learnt about

• the Granada bullfighting season; 
• the best place to buy ice cream in town; 
• which architectural styles the driver particularly liked;
• why drivers of big buses are crazy; and
• that Granada is the best city in Spain.

When I tried to contribute, and tell him that the city was indeed beautiful, he became quite annoyed, and insisted I be quiet because he wouldn´t be able to finish talking before we reached our destination.

At this stage, I realised that resistance was futile, and just shut up.

Unfortunately, this isn´t the first "unusual taxi driver" incident I´ve had. In fact, it pales into insignificance compaired to some of the trips I´ve taken in Sydney (but that´s another story entirely.....)

All I can say is, thank god it was only a 10 minute trip. And I guess I should be glad it wasn´t Robert De Niro driving....

Advice Part 45‐ Why you shouldn't trust your guidebook

If you are anything like me, when you go to a place that you´ve never been before, you may find yourself heavily relying on your mass produced tourist guidebook, which amusingly promises to reveal all the secret places “off the beaten track” which no one has ever discovered before.

No one, that is, apart from the other million or so people who have also bought the book.


Yes, Lonely Planet, I'm looking at you.

But my advice for your players is that you shouldn't bother trusting your guidebook, as most of the advice given is pretty unreliable anyway.


How do I know this? Read on.....


Last week, I was in Jerez, and I decided to go on a day trip to Cadiz. I took my guidebook along with me, and got it out on the train.

I soon realised that the couple sitting opposite me were quite interested in what I was doing, and the lady asked if she could have a look at the guide.


“Sure, no worries” I replied, and handed over the book.


The woman then opened up the page on Jerez, and had a look at the restaurant and cafe recommendations. 


And burst out laughing.


The following conversation ensued....

• Lady (reading from guidebook): “Visitors to Jerez should first visit Restaurant X on Y street”
• Man: “Ha ha ha! NO ONE would eat there.”
• Lady: “I know! But then it recommends Restaurant Z if you want a romantic night”
• Man: “Romantic? That's ridiculous. Do they mention Restaurant A?”
• Lady: “No.”
• Man: “Restaurant B?”
• Lady: “No.”
• Man: “This book is terrible” (turning to me). “I've lived in Jerez for years, and no local would ever go to those places. Only tourists. Who've read this book." 
• Me: “Hmmm. Thanks.”

To be honest, this didn't exactly strike me as a surprise. I've followed a few guidebook recommendations before, and found them totally unsatisfying. But it was good to have confirmation of what I had long suspected.


Next time I leave my hotel, the guidebook is NOT coming with me.

Advice Part 44- Male flamenco dancers....and their fashion

So, I am currently in Spain for a holiday. And as we all know, one of my secondary goals for the trip is to bring home a hot male flamenco dancer. That´s a JOKE, by the way! But, what the hell, here´s an opportunity to put in a picture of Israel Galván....

However, in the days I have been here, I have reached the unfortunate conclusion that many men who dance flamenco are somewhat lacking in sartorial splendour.


Hence, my advice to young players is that if you are

• tempted to go to Spain; 
• enrol in a flamenco dancing class, and  
• you are on the lookout for a hot male flamenco dancer

then prepare yourself for some rather interesting fashion....

How do I know this? Read on.....

On Sunday, I started my first flamenco dancing class. And when I saw the males in the room, I was seriously concerned that I had accidentally crashed a dress up party....

Leading the charge was the teacher.....He was wearing tracksuit pants, but over the top, he had put on a pair of voluminous purple pantaloons, of the kind you would wear to a pirate soiree. I assumed maybe these pants were integral to the teaching of flamenco, but no- that was just the way he rolled, so to speak.

But the teacher´s fashion seemed positively conservative compared to that of two of the male students....

Student Number One was continuing the "costume party theme", and had attired himself in a tight set of black overalls, a la Super Mario, but without the moustache.

But Student Number Two took the cake. He also had the pirate look going on, but he had taken it up a notch, and crossed it with that of a porn star. He had on a V-necked T-shirt, whose V reached down to his navel, meaning that everyone was forced to look at his chest for the entire class. On his bottom, he had on tight trousers, that he had tucked into knee high socks. But the coup de grâce was that said pants had a HUGE hole in the centre of the backside meaning that we all got to see his underpants.

Oh. Dear.

I´m beginning to think that my goal of marrying a male flamenco dancer may have been misjudged.

But I´d be happy to be proved wrong... And if Israel Galván is currently single, well, I wouldn´t say no!