Advice Part 13- Big bottoms

And so this blog descends to an even lower level (literally AND metaphorically)....

One thing I have ALWAYS been aware of is that I have a big backside. A VERY big backside.

My advice to young players in a similar predicament to myself is that if you, too, are "blessed" with a "bootylicious" rear end, it's best to accept it sooner rather than later.....As it sure as hell won't be vanishing anytime soon.

I first became aware that my backside was, err, "larger than average", when I bought a mail order T-shirt many years ago.

The shirt was WAY too tight, and when I walked out of my bedroom, the following exchange occurred:

• Mum: "OK, it's too small, but what's that you've stuffed up the back?"
• Me: "Nothing. I haven't put anything up there."
• Mum: "Don't be silly. What is it?"
• Me: "Umm, it's my bum."
• Mum: "Oh. Oops."

Oops. EXACTLY.


Over the years, I have tried EVERYTHING to minimise the "junk in my trunk", including:

• Diets. BIG failure. I only seem to lose weight off my top half, whilst my rear remains obscenely large. This leads to me having no breasts, but an even more out-of-proportion bottom. 
• Exercising. Similarly unsuccessful. The "junk" just won't be shifted.
• Special "curvy" jeans. Amusingly, these aren't curvy enough for my rear. Quite an achievement.

Still, I guess it's not ALL bad.

I might one day run into Sir Mix-A-Lot, who did, after all, write an entire song devoted to big backsides.....