Advice Part 68- Allow me to introduce you to my bladder

Aah, conferences. They provide the opportunity to venture to far-flung locales, hear (hopefully) interesting papers, receive a fun-filled conference "show bag", and network your way to stardom.

My advice for young players is that conferences are all well and good, but it is best to exercise a considerable degree of caution when asking people about their "areas of interest", as you may get more than you bargained for. Or EVER wanted to hear.

How do I know this? Read on.....

Last Thursday, I attended a nursing conference on the Gold Coast. Armed with my newly minted stack of business cards, I installed myself behind the booth with my colleague, and prepared to recruit nurses for our study.

Too easy.

It was all going smoothly, until I said hello to a lady who was loitering slightly off to the side of our desk....

• Me: Hello, there. How are you going? Do you want any information about our study?
• Lady: Oh, I'm just looking. The study sounds interesting. 
• Me: Yes, we're looking to recruit people from a range of specialties. Can I ask you what area you work in? 
• Lady: Urogynaecology. I deal with women's bladder issues.
• Me (a bit surprised): Oh, that must be interesting! (trying to think of something to say.....) 
• Lady: It is. And how's your bladder going?
• Me (trying not to look too shocked): Oh, alright, I suppose. Nothing to complain about, ha ha ha!
• Lady: Are you sure? You've never had any problems down there? How do things go when you need to urinate?
• Me: Erm, they, umm, oh well, you know....Ha ha!
• Lady: No, I don't know. Come on- how's your bladder?

At this point, I was feeling VERY uncomfortable. The LAST thing I wanted to discus with a total stranger were my personal toileting habits, particularly considering that the room was packed, and our conversation could be EASILY overheard.

Realising that there was no way of excusing myself, I invited my new buddy to sit down at a side table, where she proceded to spend the next 30 minutes talking about my bladder, how I urinate, and which posture I should use to ensure that the whole bladder is emptied.

Dear god.

Eventually, the impromptu consultation finished, but then, the next morning AT BREAKFAST, I was approached by the bladder expert, asking if I'd tried out the new posture she'd suggested, and how my urinating was going this morning. I reported that it was "excellent", and that her new posture had completely changed my toileting approach (which was a bit of a lie, but I thought I should be enthusiastic....).

All I can say is, if you're a woman and you want any advice on your bladder, I know EXACTLY who you should be talking to.

Advice Part 17- Toilet wall graffiti

Today, I have been overcome by a wave of nostalgia.

And nothing makes me more nostalgic for the "good old days" than going into a toilet cubicle, and being greeted by a bare and boring wall.....

My advice to young players is that if you are fortunate enough in finding bathroom facilities which not only have graffiti, but where the graffiti is INTERESTING, then guard these cubicles with your life!

I remember when I was in first year uni, the graffiti on the walls of the ladies' toilets in the Holme Building was infamous. The cubicles were literally COVERED with writing, of the most scandalous kind. If you wanted to find out which academics were having "private tutorials" with their students, or other equally scurrilous gossip, there was no better place to go than the Holme Building. Even better, the graffiti was regularly updated, so you could read whole sordid sagas if you had the patience.

And trust me, I had enough patience to last a LIFETIME. In fact, my enjoyment of the Holme toilets graffiti was such that I used to regularly drop by just to read the updates, without needing to go to the toilet at all.....

Sad.

I know.

You can doubtlessly imagine my horror when the Holme toilets were renovated. Years of graffiti were replaced by boring, "easy clean", graffiti-proof tiles. I've been on the lookout for good toilets ever since, but aside from the Courthouse Hotel in Newtown (which SOMETIMES has funny drawings on the walls), I have had no success. My trips to the toilet are now boringly monotonous.

If anyone feels like redressing this problem, I can supply a permanent marker......