Advice Part 84- Visit to the vampire

Maybe it's just me, but visiting the doctor is something I view with great trepidation (sorry for any medicos out there reading this- it is not a personal offence to you!). Whilst I do enjoy having a chat with my GP, and checking out the cool giant microbe toys hanging around on her desk, I have noticed that after almost every visit, I am told to head to the pathology lab for a blood test.

This fills me with absolute horror, because I am REPULSED by blood tests. Yes, I do have diabetes, and I see my own blood every day. But taking a minute finger prick sample is VERY different to having your unfortunate veins assaulted and robbed of tubes of the stuff.

My advice to young players is that if, like me, a visit to the pathology lab makes you feel sick to the stomach, there are a few small tricks that you can use to survive this experience intact.

How do I know this? Read on....

This week, I wasn't feeling too well, so off I trotted to the GP to see if she could find out what was wrong. I explained my symptoms in great detail, and launched into a discussion of my tiredness and lack of will. The following conversation ensued:

• Her: Hmm. It sounds like it could be an iron deficiency.
• Me: Oh right. Should I just restart the iron tablets?
• Her: No, no. I'd like you to have a blood test first. Here, I'll write you a request. And we'll get a few other things checked at the same time.

These were just the words I didn't want to hear. Not only a SINGLE blood sample, but MULTIPLE TUBES would be taken. 

To steal Joseph Conrad's line "The horror! The horror!"

So, off I went to the pathology lab this morning. And here's my advice for surviving.....

• DO NOT go to the pathology lab as soon as it opens! It will be chockers with people who are doing fasting blood tests. Unless you have to do one of these, wait until later when there's less people.
• Try to minimise the amount of time you spend in the waiting room, as it will just make you nervous. Especially if there are children having blood samples taken, and you can hear their shrieking....
• DO NOT LOOK when the pathology person inserts the needle and takes the blood!!!!! I can't emphasise this enough!!!!!

• If you begin to hear your heart beating in your ears, this is a BAD SIGN that you are about to pass out. If you feel like you are about to faint, then ask the person if you can lie down.
• After the pathology collector (aka "the vampire") has taken your blood, you will have to look at the tubes, and potentially touch them, to check that they have your details right. I find this part particularly gross, especially if the tubes are warm from the blood (yuk, yuk, YUK!!!)

I'm going to have to stop here, because I am starting to feel ill just writing this stuff. 

All I can say is, if anyone can invent a machine that analyses blood without needing to take a sample, I will be your biggest fan.

Advice Part 72- Testing character in a few easy steps

Since I was three years old, I have had Type 1 (insulin dependent) diabetes. Just to clear up any confusion, T1 occurs when immune system attacks the pancreas, which stops producing sufficient insulin. It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with being overweight, eating an unhealthy diet, or not exercising enough.

Anyway. Rant over.

My advice for young players is that whilst there are few "bonuses" associated with having a medical condition like this, it can actually provide you with a REALLY effective way to judge a person's character.

How do I know this? Read on.....

A few years ago, I went to dinner with a "gentleman". As I wasn't sure when we'd be eating, I waited until we arrived at the restaurant and had placed our orders before I gave myself my insulin injection.

The insulin injection looks a bit like a pen. You attach a special needle to the top, dial up the dosage you want, and then inject it into your preferred body part (in my case, the abdomen, near my navel).

All up, this process takes about 20 seconds.

It's not a big deal.

Wanting to be polite, I mentioned to my date that I had diabetes, and I would be giving myself an injection under the table. I explained that (like the VAST majority of people with diabetes) I prefer not to inject in toilets, because they're generally not that clean. And it's a really minor procedure anyway.

Normally, people are fine with this. But my "date's" reaction was somewhat, err, different.

His expression was one of absolute horror. And repulsion.

"What the......?" he muttered. "You mean.....? You're not really.....? You've got DIABETES? I mean, err, umm......yuk......No, sorry, wow. And you have to give yourself an injection? That's disgusting. How can you do that to yourself? Really gross." And with that, he averted his gaze, and crinkled his nose.

Wow. Just wow.

Sure, some people are squeamish, and don't want to see me inject. That's why I warned him. And yes, I'd prefer it if I didn't have to inject at all. But it's a pretty simple equation- without injecting, I WILL DIE. I'm not doing this for kicks, for god's sake. So to say it's "disgusting" is REALLY, really insensitive.

I decided I wouldn't see him again after that. Which turned out to be a wise decision.

So now, when I meet someone I might like, I subject them to my own personal, copyrighted "Diabetes Reaction Character Test" ASAP to see how they respond. You've been warned! ;-)