Advice Part 62- Babies

Having reached the ripe old age of 31, I have started to notice a disturbing trend. Many of my peers are forming relationships (!!!!), getting married (!!!!) and having children (!!!!). This means that I am now having to interact with babies on a (semi-) regular basis.


This would all be well and good. Except that babies HATE ME.

My advice to young players is that if, like me, you have a rather negative effect on younger citizens, then this provides you with a great opportunity to revel in your single and childless status.

How did I reach this conclusion? Read on.....

In the last two weeks, I have had two eerily similar experiences at my local cafe (yes, the one with the "witty banter"), where I have run into acquaintances from yoga who have recently had children. The same near identical conversations ensued....

• Me (approaching yoga buddy and child): Oh! Hi there! Haven't seen you at yoga for a while! How are things going?
• Yoga buddy: Yeah, good. I've been pretty busy with this one (indicating offspring) so I haven't had time to go.
• Me (sympathetic face): Of course. (Awkward pause, whilst realising that I must acknowledge the elephant in the room). So. This is the baby, eh? What's his or her name?
• Yoga buddy: It's a her. Her name's Lola.
• Me (trying to delay the inevitable): Wow, great name. She's very cute.
• Yoga buddy: Here, you should have a hold! Lola, meet my friend.....
• Me (starting to panic): No, no! She looks very comfy there. Don't disturb her.
• Yoga buddy (thrusting baby at me): Oh, you must!
• Me (beginning to get very shrill): Look, babies hate me. I'm not good with them. You hold her.
• Yoga buddy (grinning away): You just need a bit of practice. And Lola loves EVERYONE. Here she is!

With this, the seemingly happy baby was thrust at me. I tried to do some "amusing baby things." I smiled at it. I pulled funny faces. I tried to "coochy coo". I pointed at its mum and grinned.

But all to no avail.

It began screaming and shrieking and waving its tiny fists in the air, whilst I hastily handed it back to its parent.

• Yoga buddy (looking a bit shocked): Wow. She's never done that before. She really didn't like you, did she?
• Me (triumphantly): No. But I told you that!

The thing is, I have NO IDEA why babies hate me so much. Are they like horses, and can smell my fear? Is it something to do with my hair and glasses? Do I emit a "childless and loving it" odour which puts them off?

God knows.

All I can say is that sometimes being eternally single does have its rewards....